Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Swine Flu - Opinions From The Virus

Greetings to you human folk. My Name is H5N1, but you can call me Harold if you so choose. I am a particularly infamous strain of influenza who is often found chilling with my buddies in the bodies of pigs, warthogs, and Mexicans. You've probably already heard of me on the news, and I believe that your human media is depicting me in a really negative light, so I thought I'd pop on here to set the record straight.

As you no doubt already know, my brothers and sisters are preparing to move out of our fleshy, bacon smelling apartments, and move into some prime Homo Sapien real estate. We've worked long and hard to reach this point of our lives and believe that we deserve a wonderful, luxury retirement home to reflect our hard work. Of course, you humans might not see this from our perspective, but please, consider it a compliment. Afterall, your bodies are considered to be the pinnacle of the viri property market. Look at those luxorious Beverly Hills houses that you and your populace aspire to live in. That is an adequate metaphor for how we see you. Also, your bodies immune systems have been so devasted by your dependance on antibiotics and other paraphenalia that we'd be stupid to miss such a chance to secure our ideal Place In The Sun.

I was saddened and disappointed to see that most of your population is in a uproar over our emergence. Britain has gone, what they would call, "Snooker Loopy" over our plans, and is doing everything in it's power to put a spanner in the works. They even have a website dedicated to making us obvious in public and discriminating against us, with a questionaiire inviting people to check for our arrival. I thought that they were a tolerant society too. According to their popular newspaper "The Daily Mail", they let in tons of immigrants that take up a lot more room than we do.

Being a spokesperson for my kind, I mean it when I say that we wish you no harm. Sure, when we share your bodies with you, there might be some teething problems until we achieve domestic harmony, but this will only be temporary. For example, I understand that garbage collection is not very efficient in humans, and moving causes so much clutter, so we will probably begin by fumigating the place to clear out all the rubbish. I believe you Homo Sapiens refer to this as "sneezing" and "coughing", but don't worry, this is all to be expected as we get settled in. Please don't be alarmed if we hold house warming parties for all of our friends either. I know it's a bit of a headache for you when you have to live near someone who is holding such an event, but if you'd just bought such a lovely place, wouldn't you want to invite people over to see it? Your colon looks so inviting...

Do not seek treatment when we arrive; we do not need eradicating. Remember what your Mr Hitler did to all those Jews? Terrible wasn't it. The awful lies your media perpetuates about us is akin to racial discrimination on that scale. My auntie and uncle moved into a stunning couple in New York, and everyone around the globe began to panic and take steps to kill us for it. This is unfair considering that you don't seem to care about the 3 million people who contract the malaria virus in the Third World, yet you don't do anything to help them at all. Malaria is a very destructive houseguest too, and probably won't even pay rent.

I'm pleased to have had this chance to speak up for all of the viri out there who are unfairly treated in your society. I only hope that this heartfelt plea will have taken over your mind and body; something that we would never do ourselves. Honestly, I'm just searching for a wonderful retirement castle with plenty of room to stretch my membranes. I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want you to hurt yourselves worrying about me and my buddies. Take care, and stay healthy.


H5N1 (Harold)


Please don't fumigate your livestock, like these people:

Monday, 27 April 2009

Holding Out For A Hero, or something

Where has the security gone
When terror's all around?
Towel heads are coming here
To bomb the London Underground
Who is gonna plunder
Foreign oil depositories?
Late at night I wet my own bed
Is our country safe yet?

I need a Squaddie
I'm holding out for a Squaddie 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be spacky
And he's gotta kill Iraqis
And never question why he has to fight
I need a Squaddie
I'm holding out for a Squaddie 'til the morning light
His head's gotta be shaved
And he'll listen to rave
And he's gotta drink lager for life

Somewhere in Dallas
November 1963
Someone shot the president
From the Texas book depositary
Although he was called Oswald, he could have changed his name
Conspiracies run deep my friend, Al Qaeda is to blame!

I need a Squaddie
I'm holding out for a Squaddie 'til the end of the night
He's gotta endanger himself
Without thought for his health
And never question why he has to fight
I need a Squaddie
I'm holding out for a Squaddie 'til the morning light
He'll blow up your larder
Whilst playing Escada
Because that is the British way of life

Up where the Squaddie shoot the civvies above
Out where the tank shells split the sea
I would swear that there's terrorist cell
Laughing at me

Out where they never feel the chill of the rain
Out where the we plant WMD's
They would be guilty of something naughty,