Monday 23 June 2014

The Food Of Love


As a promiscuous man with an appetite for seduction, I find that there is a distinct lack of sexy recipes and cooking shows to satisfy my desires.  Food is sexy.  Not as sexy as sex, but it can be rather hot.  Unless it’s served cold.  The culinary world is so confusing.

What I do know is that food can get me into all sorts of terrible trouble.  All it takes is a good ploughman’s lunch and I’m anybody’s.  That’s why I decided to come up with some dishy new dishes to get your blood boiling:

Jerk-Off Chicken

12 chicken thighs

1 bunch of spring onions

1 sprig of ginger

3 garlic cloves

3 scotch bonnet chillies

2 tbsp of vegetable oil

3 tbsp of semen

Firstly, create your marinade by chopping everything above minus the chicken, then throwing it all in a pan and bringing it up to a simmer for 20 minutes.  Continue to stir the marinade, remembering to vigorously masturbate into the sauce at regular intervals.  Then, spread the marinade over your chicken thighs (and your own thighs), and rub any residual residue onto the chicken for extra flavour.  Cook in the oven for 45 minutes until the chicken is nice and shiny.  Serve on a bed of chickpeas.

Phoooarrrr...weerrgghhh....uuuuhhhhh..mmmmm...
Cock Au Vin



Chicken Breast

1 bottle good-quality red wine (preferably a lovely Merlot)

1 tbsp redcurrant jelly

1 small onion, chopped

2 sticks celery, chopped

1 carrot, chopped

4 garlic cloves, un-peeled, bruised

1 ribbed 12” strap on “Dominatator”

Fry your chopped veg for 10 minutes, add a quarter bottle of wine and simmer gently, stirring regularly with your plastic dildo.  Add the chicken and finish off by adding the redcurrant jelly to the helmet.  Don’t eat with a knife and fork, use the dildo as a utensil.

Beef Stroke-her-off



350g/12oz pork fillet

Freshly ground black pepper

2 tbsp sunflower oil

25g/1oz butter

1 onion, finely sliced

225g/8oz button chestnut mushrooms, halved

5fl oz/140ml carton soured cream

1 tbsp chopped fresh parsley

Cook all that stuff above until it’s done.  Once ready, smear this all over your greasy palms like a feral child who hasn’t been taught how to use utensils.  When your hands are suitably smeared like a gloveless murderer, begin to touch your significant other in rude places.

(Note:  This dish must only be prepared by men.  If women would like to prepare a similar dish, see my companion recipe for Rub-atouille)

Reggae-Reggae Intercourse



1 pot of Reggae-Reggae Sauce

1 willing participant

Simply smother a jar of Reggae-Reggae sauce over a naked partner and let the lovemaking commence.  Serve on a bed of suitable springiness.  Bonus points if you film it and send the footage to Levi Roots.

 
 
I think that with these recipes, we have established that music isn't the food of love. Food is actually the food of love.  Bon appetit!

20 comments:

  1. Is there a special ejaculate I need for the Jerk-Off Chicken? Won't it affect the taste if I use the semen of a seaman versus that of a mountain climber? I prefer a semen reduction sauce over a taint cheese ragout.

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    Replies
    1. Most brands are reliable for this type of dish. However, unless you want a wispy, vague, powerless ejaculate, I would suggest that you avoid using politician semen.

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  2. And this is why i just drink beer for sustenance.

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    Replies
    1. I could teach you how to brew your own beer in your own rectal cavity. Hit me up for details.

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  3. I haven't yet discovered an appropriate adjective to describe your recipes.

    I think you might have ruined food for me.

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    Replies
    1. Oddly enough, people who eat my cooking tend to spontaneously lose weight over the next few days. I'm thinking of marketing my recipes as diet dishes.

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  4. Do these come in microwaveable versions?

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  5. I think a dildo would actually make a surprisingly good eating utensil. There's a fetish for this I know there is. All you need now is a willing participant.

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    Replies
    1. I'd like to see you eat soup with a dildo. For entertainment and fetish purposes.

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  6. I find that the best way to create a zesty Jerk-Off Chicken is to eat nothing but cayenne pepper, curry powder, and pineapples for a week. The preparation is far more difficult and pianful, but the added oomph of the spicy, pineapple-laced semen really brings the dish together. Will you be starting a cooking show using these recipes?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm going to do a Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares style show where I go into restaurants and shout at people. As the show goes on, the audience learns that I'm so cranky because I have cayenne pepper coming out of my jeb end.

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  7. So I made the Beef Stroke-Her-Off, and I greased up my hand, but I think it's TOO greased up because now I'm wearing my lady like a hand puppet and I can't get my arm out. Help?

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    Replies
    1. Why? You're living the dream my friend! I hope you were holding your phone at the time. I'll be checking your Twitter feed for interesting photos.

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  8. That first recipe really grabbed my attention. I would have made it except for that last ingredient. Not real big on chickpeas.

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    Replies
    1. I'm sorry, I forgot that some people might be chickpea intolerant. I'll chuck in a few extra pubes to sweeten the deal.

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  9. The only truly sexy food I know is squirty cream in those aerosol cans. Who can resist sticking one of those in ones mouth and gently squeezing the top. . . . . .

    Not that I would do such a thing I am a nice chap.

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    Replies
    1. It's alright Rob, this is a safe place for you to reveal your darkest fantasies.

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  10. I just can't find a decent wholefoods that stocks organic semen x

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    Replies
    1. It's a terrible shame isn't it? I only buy it if it's from cornfed stock.

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