1) YOLO – When medical science advances to a point where everyone gets a free extra life through their healthcare plans, no one will understand this archaic adage.
2) The thrill of conker season – When horse chestnuts are declared extinct in the year 2033, our children will be deprived of the majesty that only conkers can provide. Nothing compares to the joy of threading a shoelace through a particularly hefty conker, varnishing it for extra hardness, then twatting someone across the knuckles with it.
3) Cat videos – When cats are finally linked with causing autism in our children, and they are unilaterally wiped out, the next generation will not be able to understand why we allowed evil felines to live in our homes. They will be further confused by our insistence on filming the little blighters and posting the resulting clips on YouTube.
4) DVDs/Blu Ray – “So it’s like a small silver food tray that you stick in your TV?” Can you remember the first time you saw a DVD? It was magical. High quality movies compressed down onto a shiny disc were so popular that people bought them in massive quantities and displayed them to others in order to show their taste in films. Streaming services are killing off our insistence on purchasing piles of non-degradable plastic and displaying them on bookshelves, which is a damn shame for everyone outside of Greenpeace.
|A great use of the Earth's finite resources, I'm sure you'll agree|
5) The concept of family – When families are finally outlawed in 2019 because of their inclination to screw up your development, our children will know nothing of their biological parents, but will instead turn to the robot nannies that take care of them. They will know nothing of their mothers and fathers as they grow up in an orbital sky crèche with all of their needs attended to.
6) Gangster rap – With the advent of Gunby music (where musicians smack a hurdy gurdy with a live salmon), the world will collectively forget about the hood. Snoop and Dre will be revered in the same manner as Mozart and Verdi as examples of fine culture, but kids will largely dislike their classical stylings.
7) Physical activity – Why walk anywhere when you have a flying chair to take you where you need to go?
8) Porn bushes – I was at least 20 years old before I realised that porn didn’t grow naturally on bushes. Aged 10, we used to go porn hunting in the woods with a big butterfly net, trying to snag an interesting growler in the undergrowth. We felt like intrepid 19th century explorers attempting to catalogue new, exotic species. I learned a lot about the female form from reader’s wives sections, which gave me a much more realistic picture of what to expect. The children of the future will be used to seeing airbrushed, hairless porn stars parading around on their screens like Persian cats. It’s just not the same!
9) Um Bongo – This delicious tropical drink is in danger of going extinct, unless we act now! Please send your donations so that I buy more Um Bongo and try to breed it under laboratory conditions.
10) List Articles – If we want to leave a lasting legacy for future generations, we need to start producing more list articles. Our children may never get to read Cracked.com, Buzzfeed, or Muppets For Justice, and that would be a damn shame.