Tuesday, 11 September 2007

Speed Blog #1

In order to increase my blog output ratio, I've decided to set myself a little challenge. Every now and then, I will set myself a maximum of five minutes to write up a blog, and the topic can be anything that immediately springs to mind. Here's the first in what may become a regular feature around here, so please be gentle on me, I know not what I do.


I'm not a big fan of breakfast, but if I was forced to eat it at gunpoint by someone who is extremely concerned about my dietary needs, I'd have to choose Ready Brek. Ready Brek is just like any other porridge really, but a dollop of jam or some chocolate buttons really sets the thing off. It's delicious.

Alternatively, I must be the only person I know who can still stand the taste of Cornflakes. Most people say they taste bland, but a sprinkle of sugar, and waiting a moment for the flakes to become limp and soggy in tasty milk is divine. I enjoy the odd bowl of Cornflakes, but I usually eat it in the evenings like some sort of bizzarro person. I also enjoy the sensation of brushing my teeth then drinking orange juice, so I must hate everything that normal people love. I don't love loosing however, so maybe that theory should go on the pile of failed theories I occasionally come up with, like the Theory Of The Elderly. Basically, the closer you are to an old person, multiplied by the desire to walk around them, usually results in the OAP becoming slower and slower, and also the number of old people that will appear just to randomly chat in front of you. However, this theory has been abandoned due to those disabled buggies (or OAPMobiles), as this makes the infirm much more efficient in their daily travel requirements. Of course, the amount of toes that get crushed due to speeding buggies has risen dramatically.


Phew, well that was fruitless, pointless, and frankly, a damn waste of time. I'll have to do these more often! I'm quite gutted at just how little I actually managed to write, but I decided that what I wrote up first wasn't good enough. It was a thesis on organised religion being conversely relational to the volume of global yoghurt consumption, and was simply too overwhelming for such a small time constraint, and therefore I deleted it. And now I've forgotten it. Easy come, easy go I guess...

Friday, 7 September 2007

A Special Message

I'm afraid today's blog is a little more on the serious side than usual, as I have a solemn subject to touch upon. I'm here to tell you about the poor conditions, and cruel treatment, given to one of natures most overlooked creatures. Now I know you're thinking "But Addman, since when did you care about the environment? Aren't you solely responsible for melting a large chunk of the Northern Glaciers?" but I have turned a new corner, and I am offering refuge to a certain type of mistreated animal. I am, of course referring to the Bobbing Bird.

Bobbing Birds have been living domesticated alongside us for many years now, but I am shocked by just how many terrible people place them in terrible conditions and don't take care of them correctly. This type of mistreatment has gone on for much too long, and I plan to wrong this right (or right this wrong, I get confused with turns of phrase) by opening my very own Bobbing Bird Sanctuary, right here in England. But in order to do that, we at Muppets For Justice need your donations.

You may not realise just how many of these birds are illegally sold into the rare trade market, to owners who merely want them as a status symbol. Bobbing Birds are a rare species, and as such, highly sought after in these materialistic times by collectors. We checked on eBay, and found thousands of birds for sale, which shows you the scale of this barbaric poaching operation.

This is Bobby. Bobby was found balanced precariously on a richety bookshelf, bobbing away to ease the pain. He was forced to drink stale water from a stained cup continously by his twisted owners. His feet were covered in dust and had obviously been left to his own devices for months by a callous carer. With your donations, as you can see, we can raise the money we need to keep their drinking water fresh, and the clean glasses they need to stay healthy.

This is Mona and her daughter Lisa, mother and daughter, who were found crammed into a small drawer along with broken electronic goods and other waste. They'd been left there like some sort of unwanted, disposable, consumer good. We questioned the child who was supposed to take care of these loving creatures, and he said they were a Christmas present which he didn't like. Mona and Lisa had been so used to not having enough room to bob their heads that they have virtually forgotten how to do so. With your help, we can pay our team of animal experts (with PHDs in Birdology and Bobistics) to give them the physiotherepy they need to bob their heads once again, like nature intended.

This is Darrell being reintroduced to fresh water once more. His previous owners left him on top of a toilet and treated him as though he were a toy! Darrell is well into our recovery program and is nearly ready to be put up for adoption. If you wish to adopt a Bobbing Bird such as Darrell, please leave your contact numbers as comments in this blog, and we'll send you a brochure of the work we do, along with the forms you need to help us save them from their torturous owners. Darrell needs the love and attention of someone who truly cares for him. Could you be that person?

As you can tell, this is obviously serious work that requires a lot of funding. Funding which we severely lack, and we can only do so much for these little miracles of nature on pure love alone. We need your donations. For only £10 per month, you will recieve a care pack every month with information on our operation, a special note from your selected bird, and a pamphlet detailling what you can do to save the Bobbing Bird population.

Thank you, and remember, a bird bobs for life, not just for Christmas.