Monday, 29 August 2011

Digital Fame

The digital switchover is here! If you live in an area surrounded by a channel Five reflecting force field like me, then that means all you need to do it retune your set, and you’ll have caught up with the rest of the English speaking world!

The last time I saw Five was back in the days when it was the go to channel for soft core porn and sharks. I wondered if anything had changed (no porn or sharks anymore), so in my curiosity, I ended up watching an episode of everyone’s favourite camera-laden fame pit, Celebrity Big Brother.

The ‘Celebrity’ moniker was always a loose one when it was on Channel 4, but I’ll be damned if I could name more than three housemates this year. The rest I had to look up on Wikipedia, a decision I came to promptly regret. These people are easier to hate than the Klu Klux Klan after an annual puppy-skinning contest. Here’s a list of the housemates, along with irresponsible, knee-jerk opinions on the whole bally lot of them:

Jedward – The human equivalent of two erect penises balancing Dairylea triangles. In spite of this, Jedward are still the most likeable housemates so far, and at this stage are my hot tip to win the whole thing. What does intrigue me is if the producers will let us vote off either John or Edward separately, which would cause a hilarious inferiority complex in the twin who gets voted off first. Either way, neither of them have any personality, but come across as childish and naïve enough to pull it off. Vote Jedward!

Tara Reid – Wearing the constant expression of a seal watching her own pups being clubbed into a pulp, Tara should be the dullest person in the house. After a short row over food, Tara began to cry because she could ‘feel trouble brewing’ in the house. In honour of her future-sensing abilities, native Indians have christened her ‘Shitting Bull’. Despite this, her expression of wild confusion whilst watching Essex dullard Amy liberally applying Ronseal to her body was amusing, and that is the only reason to keep her in. For now.

Kerry Katona – From what I’ve seen, this ex-fish finger saleswoman does nothing but sit around looking depressed. The only time she said anything was when she performed a chilling rendition of eating her own children (“Awwww om nom nom nom”). Perhaps since the lucrative frozen food deals have fallen through, this is what she has been reduced to; giving birth just for something to eat. So far, she seems utterly boring.

Sally Bercow – The hardest housemate to judge so far, but she seems to be the most intelligent, although that’s a glittering achievement on par with being the largest chunk of corn in the turd. Sally seems difficult to dislike, but it turns out that she’s an MP (or has been caught fornicating with an MP), so there’s no chance of her winning. Back another horse instead.

Amy Childs – Amy is a failed Jordan prototype who has done little apart from apply fake tan, have a fake wedding with Jedward, and apply more fake tan. She describes fake tan application as the most popular pastime in Essex, and she genuinely believes this to be the sport of queens. Amy is dull beyond belief and is probably the least deserving member of the house considering her claim to celebrity is an appearance in The Only Way Is Essex.

Pamela Bach-Hasslehoff – Primarily known as The Hoff’s ex-wife, Mrs Hasslehoff resembles a fire damaged La Toya Jackson waxwork. Quite what Sir David of TightTrunks saw in her, and what she saw in him (they probably crashed into each other while drink driving) remains a mystery. Pamela has so far managed to cause a row about her choice of food dressing, and has devoured the soul of every living creature in a ten mile radius. Watching her is like watching The Ring in eerie silence, when suddenly the main characters stop what they’re doing, stare into the screen, and slowly start to masturbate at you. I don’t know how much of her I can stand, but I suspect I’ll be dead within seven days anyway.

Bobby Sabel – Bobby looks like Bear Grylls trying to survive a Covent Garden coffee shop. As a rule I dislike male models on principle, but this is probably down to innate jealousy. I resemble a chewed lego man left out in the sun. However, Bobby just grates on me like a barbed wire oven glove. He swaggers around as though he’s too good to be there, which, even though no one deserves to be in there, instantly makes him appear big headed and spoilt. He undoubtedly makes women’s ovaries clang together whenever he appears on screen, but his whining will soon erode any goodwill shown towards him and he’ll be out.

Paddy Doherty – Paddy shot to fame by appearing on Big Fat Gypsy Weddings and comes across as The Don of all Pikeys. The man has had a bare-knuckle boxing career and looks like an extra in a Ross Kemp documentary on ‘Britain’s Hardest Public Loos’, yet he seems to be an amiable sort. By that I mean he hasn’t upended a table and bent Jedward into balloon animals yet. Apart from that, there’s nothing to say about him.

Lucian Laviscount – The best description of him would be ‘Lewis Hamilton, The Work Experience Years’. Lucian is so bland that I instantly forgot he was in there as soon as he wasn’t on screen. On at least three occasions when he wandered into shot, I thought he was a new housemate I hadn’t seen before.

Darryn Lyons – Congratulations Big Brother! You’ve found someone who I can detest more than Piers Morgan! Darryn’s Wikipedia entry simply describes him as ‘Paparazzo’, and it turns out that he’s the man responsible for Rebecca Loos! And if that isn’t reason enough to vote him off, just look at him. The man has had a six pack grafted onto to his mountainous glut, which makes his torso resemble an aerial shot of turtles rutting on a beach. Top that off with his pink Mohawk which makes him look like a rebellious Snorlax and you've got a combination to persuade anyone to kill themselves. If there is a God, he’ll take Paddy Doherty’s luxuries and hide them amongst Darryl’s things. Then he’ll hand Paddy a cricket bat whisper the words “You know what to do”.

So yes, I’ve written a whole piece about how much I hate Big Brother. Will I tune in again? I’d say it’s more than likely. I’ll be interested to see if my predictions come true (victory for Jedward). I won’t be watching it ironically either as I am an ocular sadomasochist, so this is like Disneyland for me.

Friday, 26 August 2011

Much Adele About Nothing

There are many unexplained phenomena in the world. The Bermuda Triangle, Area 51, and the weird scrolling barcode that appears on TV just before an advert break. However, I want to focus on the most baffling of modern mysteries; the continued success of Adele.

For those not in the know, here is a 6 minute inspirational video on what you're thankfully missing out on. Adele has assaulted the ears of the British for a couple of years now, but her latest album was at number one for 11 weeks earlier this year. A remarkable feat for someone who sounds like a teenage boy trapped down a well.

Just what are the definable qualities that make her so unbearable? The ineptitude of her voice is a large contributing factor, making her sound like she's on a motion simulator with her mouth full. This is especially awful when you couple it with a ballad that would make even Chris Martin feel a little embarrassed at such maudlin tones. Multiply this with her inability to articulate and you've got yourself a stinker in the works. Her diction is about as clear as Stig Of The Dump's bathwater.

Adele is a graduate of the BRIT school academy; a building dedicated to laying siege to the music industry with their diabolical weapons of mass shit. Previous Alumni of BRIT school include Jessie J (speaks out against capitalism, then wears designer gear), Kate Nash (sounds like she's dislocated her jaw), Leona Lewis (didn't she win X Factor? Strange...), and Dane Bowers (do you really need me to come up with a reason to dislike him?). You'd think this would be enough to get the school closed down, but it must generate a lot of money off of the back of these people.

Considering how successful she's been, someone out there must like her. Critics have been climbing over each other to finger her for a job well done, but then, critics have been a bit starved of decent music lately. There's only so many times you can report on Lady Gaga's clothing before you have to actually write about some music for a change, and decent music is rather thin on the ground at the moment. Since she's flavour of the month right now, most of those critics will be lining up to shit on her shoes by the time her third album is out, as they'll surely be taken with the latest BRIT school graduate that's been popped out in time for Christmas. To say that she's peaked at 23 would be a bit premature, which is a lower career expectancy than a footballer with a sponsorship deal with Nandos.

If it were only the critics hailing her as the second coming of Jesus Lennon, I'd understand. However, there seems to be several members of the public who have got on board with Adele. Here are some of the comments from the YouTube clip posted earlier on:

"what a powerful woman! i hope she never looses weight.." - Yeah. In the same way that Samson looses his power he has a hair cut, Adele would be destroyed if you gave her a gastric band.

"hilarious  adelle //.. stunning voice" - Hilarious? This is no laughing matter! People are buying this!

"Adele is just... so, amazing. Everytime I listen to her songs I get the chills." - Same here. The same chills I get when I watch The Ring.

"She's so beautiful and so talented. I can't believe people can't see past her weight" - It's strange that only her fans ever seem to mention her weight at all. Even the trolls don't bring it up.

For a woman who sings about wanting to chase down slabs of concrete underfoot, it's hard to criticise her for her success. Regardless, I'll give it a good try: piss off back to your finishing school for berks you soulless sack of flesh.

Monday, 22 August 2011

I'm 25 And I -

- Still use the words "cool" and "awesome" in casual conversation.

- Haven't learned to whistle correctly. I manage to maintain the façade, but I can only whistle whilst inhaling. I cannot whistle whilst blowing air outwards.

- Secretly regret giving away my old consoles.

- Still haven't graduated from drinking pop and orange to tea or coffee.

- Find websites such as Manbabies more fun than I should for a man who has lived for a quarter of a century.

- Gain immense amusement from the antics of monkeys.

- Believe that news readers have to change their names to make them more giggleworthy, such as Dermot Murnaghan, Ricky Salmon, and Fenella Fudge.

- Haven't been to a music festival. The closest I've come is listening to an iPod in a tent.

- Cannot help but think of puns during the course of any conversation.

- Have yet to come up with a genuinely funny pun during the course of any conversation.

- Have revived an article I wrote nearly two years ago, so deal with it.

Friday, 19 August 2011

Your Children Are Cunts

Stop reading this and look at your kids for a second. Go on, give them a cold, hard stare. Finished? No doubt they are hooded, hunched over with a brain melting gadget in one hand and picking their arse dry with the other. These teenage troglodytes will doubtlessly transform into murderers in a best case scenario, and there's nothing you can do about it. If they use their riot-inciting websites to form chain gangs together, you'll be helpless against them. That is, unless the government takes control and does something about them.

This is where David Cameron steps in. A snakes piss salesman knows when to strike, and Super Dave's campaign against young people has started in earnest now that teenagers have been successfully identified as the cause of the riots. Bravely speaking from a youth centre in his home constituency (a youth centre on the verge of closure, might I add), the Prime Minister set about his well planned, totally rational ideas to turn the lost generation around. This includes:
  • Forcing all 16 year olds into compulsory community service to "give back to their communities".
  • Closure of Facebook or Twitter during riot situations. This also extends to a nationwide ban on social media if it is used to organise criminal activity (such as a water fight).
  • Turning around the lives of exactly 120,000 families. Presumably, this is to be achieved by cutting benefits and kicking people out of council housing for participating in, living near, or mentioning a riot.
  • Buying a metric shitload of bullshit polyfiller to fix "Broken Britain" and our "Broken Society". In fact, Cam's so good a fixing things, I'll invite him round to see if he can fix "Broken Astra"
  • Handing out overzealous sentences for riot-based incidents such as four years for talking on Facebook, and facing prison for stealing a Lucozade from Poundland.
Even as he laid out these marvellous plans for the rebuilding of our society, a bunch of puss faced serfs had the nerve to heckle him. This was probably because he'd accidentally spilt some of his fine, Tuscany foie gras down his slacks as he flew back from holiday just in time to see the riots come to an end.

Demonisation of the young is an old Tory fallback when things start to get hairy. What is surprising though, is just how draconian Cameron has become. Whilst in opposition, Cameron had a tendency to play to the younger demographic. Every press event, camera opportunity, and public event would see Cameron surrounded by more children than a chocolate covered paedophile dressed as Buzz Lightyear. Teenagers were always purposely positioned behind him at press conferences, and he spent more time in youth centres than the staff (especially now they are out of work). All of a sudden, when young people have realised that Cameron's crew are working around the clock to make sure that they can't get jobs, can't get into university, can't find a house, and won't have anything to live for, Cameron has started a hate campaign against them to keep them in line.

After spending so much time trying to be a Progressive Conservative (which makes about as much sense as char grilled ice cream), and having dinner dates with dirty-mouthed rappers, it has to be the most head spinning change of tack for a politician in recent history. He couldn't have turned coat into a more Thatcherite politician if he had started eating fox chunks drizzled in plebian tears.

It was obvious that this was just a mask all along. However, turning so dramatically on the very people you pandered to is just poor form. If children are the future, Cameron is walking in an apocalyptic wonderland.

Cameron can't wait until little Hugo kills his first fox.

For David Cameron's latest speech, see here.

Friday, 12 August 2011

I Predict A Predictable Title (Or A Riot)

Isn't nostalgia great? Conservative governments and riots go together like crackers and cheese, or Torvil and Dean. Considering the Tories have been in power for over 12 months, it was only a matter of time before the anarchists took to the streets once again for a sell out reunion tour of the capital's boroughs.

Only this time, it's not anarchists. It's not disillusioned masses trying to smash the system or stick it to the regime. It's a few chavs trying to get their hands on a new phone.

This violence originally stemmed from a peaceful protest against the police shooting of a young man named Mark Duggan. By the second day, Mark had turned out to be the most popular man in London as thousands of his best mates took to the streets to steal bikes from Halfords, possibly to make themselves feel better about his demise. Either that, or this is all a big excuse to get a new mobile phone.

At the time of writing the looting has spread to the North, including the centre of Birmingham, a Selfridges in Manchester, and someone did a shit on a scarecrow in the Lake District. Hundreds of rioters have been arrested and not a single one of these people have attacked a government building, bank, or regimental institution (excluding Nottingham where they firebombed a cop shop). Not that I'm saying their actions would only be excusable if they turned parliament into a blazing inferno, but it's obvious that these people care more about having an iPad than pushing for political change. Although the experience must have been an eye-opening, monocle-shattering occasion for Britain's elite, I doubt they would feel that unsettled by the destruction of a copy centre.

The most illuminating moment of rioting has to be when looters raided the ticket office for Tottenham Hotspur FC. This tells you everything you know about the people involved, especially as only the ticket office was attacked rather than the rest of the grounds or stadium.

This YouTube video shows the local T Mobile store after the looting. Now if only they could find a way to loot some credit they'll be on easy street. As for robbing Vision Express, surely stealing lens that aren't prescribed to you is about as much use as running down the high street to loot some prosthetic limbs.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that MPs have returned from their summer break to solve this problems, and not a moment too soon! Except for the fact that the rioters have now become bored and don't fancy stealing fancy new clothes in the rain.

Monday, 8 August 2011

Kate Winslet Is Sick Of Being Typecast As A Woman

At a recent press conference, mutli award winning actress Kate Winslet sent tinsel town into a spiral as she announced that she was sick of being typecast, as a woman.

The 35 year old English actress accused Hollywood bosses of "inherent sexism" by pigeon holing her into only accepting female roles.

"As an actress, I want to take on greater challenges. For my gender, there is no greater challenge than to play the lead role in a James Bond movie, or perhaps The Fast And The Furious" she said.

"The movie business is the last bastion of sexism. These days, a woman can hold any position that a man can from a coal miner, to a chief executive. Except, it seems, in Hollywood, where certain parts are always given to men".

The news comes as a shock to movie producers who had lined her up for a number of 2012 releases with Winslet expected to play the female roles. A spokesman from Columbia Pictures has declared the studio is "disappointed" with her announcement, and that they are "preparing legal actions" should Winslet try and back out of the role, or take testosterone supplements during shooting.

When challenged about the lack of men taking up female roles on screen, Winslet put one hand on her hip, held her other hand in a slightly camp manner, and declared "oooohh errrr!"

For those who are thinking of hiring her as a man, there is an added incentive. The actress has promised to levy the fee for any studio "brave enough" to hire her for this kind of role. She declared this to be a pivotal point for female actresses everywhere, and hopes to be leaping through the air during an explosion and firing two handguns on our screens in the near future.

Shortly after the news broke, showbiz blogs and columnists around the world were driven to insane acts of violence against each other in order to secure rights to interview Kate Winslet first. An underground wrestling syndicate has been set up, with the next match to include Gordon Smart wrestling Marina Hyde. My own bout against the 3AM girls is scheduled for this afternoon.

Now with added beard

Friday, 5 August 2011

Phone Hacking: The Public's Verdict

With the recent phone hacking scandal starting to die down, we at Muppets For Justice decided to be incredibly behind the times and ask members of the public their thoughts on this matter. That's provided they can remember what we're talking about. For those who need a reminder, read this. Once you've read that, read the words below. And once you've finished those words, you might want to go and read an interesting book or something while I write some more:

Gemma Driveway - Dog Walker

These newspaper journalists have got some nerve to be hacking people's phones like that. I'd be traumatised if they hacked my phone and heard me slagging off my friend Jane and her fat ankles and annoying kids. What a fucking bitch! Anyway, I'm glad they've been caught so that we can gossip behind people's backs without fear of being found out.

Alaister Pidgeon - Lion Man

Good riddance to the News Of The World, and hopefully the rest of News International. Since I found out that I can get tits and uninformed opinions off of the Internet for free, there was no longer any room for a 30p newspaper. The fact is, those rags are so far behind the times they might as well be etched onto a Furby. It's about time someone put a boot up the arse of the Murdoch empire, who I didn't care about until I heard what a monopoly they held. What a disgrace!

Barry Shogun - Velodrome Maintainer

The worst part about the closure of News Of The World is the amount of people who are going to be laid off. That means a lot of journalists will be competing for jobs out there, and since I run a small column in my college campus newspaper, my part time job is now under threat. As a result, I shall be locking the door of my office and firing staples at anyone who is holding a notepad, camera, or wears a pork pie hat.

Stuart Pourer - Soup Kitchen Reviewer

I can't believe that these celebrities have the nerve to take a job like acting, singing, politic-ing, or shagging around, then tell us that we can't listen to their conversations or rummage through their bins for pregnancy tests. Hello! If you don't want the attention, then don't take the job, jerk! Someone ought to show these celebrities that they aren't immune from the public eye, and that's why I suggest that we all stand outside Sienna Miller's flat and silently stare through her windows all day and night. We need to send a message like this! Also, shotgun on peering into bathroom!

Nicole Papa - Cactus

It's such a shame that the press won't be tapping into the phones of tragedy victims any more. I had an idea for a pay-per-listen answerphone service, where I'd leave voice messages ready to be intercepted, but I'd change the PIN number every day and sell it to The Sun for a premium. This would be an entrepreneurial venture, but it would require someone to actually steal my child in the first place so I don't end up like Karen Mathews. But hey, I could advertise for someone to swipe her on Craigslist.

Brian Herbie-White - General Serviceman

Hey, thanks a lot Britain! Now that your media has gone to shit, our Wall Street Journal has done nothing but report on it. I'm sick and tired of hearing about some fog-guzzling limey bastard who got a bit upset that someone listened in on them. Here's the news people, the government are watching you at all times anyway, so who cares if some journalist does the same? Oh and, Hugh Grant, get the fuck out of the way! No one cares about you since the 90's dude.

Alison Packard - Child Wrangler

I'm a busy woman who juggles a high powered career and two children, so obviously I know a lot about this. A child went missing in my son's class recently, and the press were all over the school like fish on stilts...I'm no good with similes. Anyway, they were putting up missing child posters all over the town and on milk cartons, and full page adverts in the paper. It's disgraceful! Rather than advertising such a tragic event, they should be trying to do something about it!

Marissa Duracell - Fisherman's friend

I work in the media myself, and this whole scandal has got my bosses worked up into a frenzy. They have nothing to worry about as they've never hacked anyone's phone. The worst they've done is bugged celebrities homes, put a camera in Graham Norton's toilet, and killed off all the Royal Family's guards and replaced them with paid informants. So, nothing too bad. Besides, I thought it was common knowledge that phone hacking was so prolific in the press? If not, then I probably shouldn't mention our tendency to pay off BT engineers to bug phones and record conversations. But what you don't know can't hurt you, until everyone else knows. Peace.

Monday, 1 August 2011

Forget Norway

David Cameron has been quite relieved this week that something has finally taken the focus off of the phone hacking scandal. In light of the recent massacre in Norway, he has taken the opportunity to speak out strongly against terrorism, and has ordered a review on homeland security and terrorists. Good thinking David! I doubt anyone has tried to come up with methods of combating extremism before. If only the government had considered this back when 9/11 happened. Or the 7/7 underground bombings. Or the 2004 Spanish train bombings for that matter. Regardless, the government needs to act now! They need to capitalise on this handy diversion from all the bad press they've been getting lately.

On the subject of the press, now that Anders Behring Breivik, a blue-eyed, blonde, white, conservative, Christian nutjob has been charged as the brains behind the recent violence in Norway, do you think we can stop blaming Islamic terrorists?

The news coverage of this tragedy has been almost as appalling as the atrocities themselves. The media expected this to be a revenge attack in for Bin Laden, but why would Muslim extremists want to target Norway of all places? Even BBC news has been stating categorically that "police have been unable to link him to Al Qaeda", which to me shows an ingrained Muslimophobia in the British media. Even after the shooting episode on Utoya, the news coverage still couldn't quite believe this wasn't the work of Jihadists. Despite the fact that suicide bombers tend to do just that, and blow themselves up rather than open fire in a crowded summer camp, didn't deter the newsrooms.

A great deal has been made out his white Christianness as if it is unheard of for a Christian to commit acts of violence. This is a great shift from the nail bombs and Sinn Feins of the 90's and earlier when it was impossible to think that anyone other than a Christian could commit genocide.

So what has caused this fundamental change in our perception of terrorism? You can point to 9/11, you can point to growing right-wing extremism such as the English Defence League, but the largest proponent would have to be anti-immigrant journalism, peddled by the likes of the Daily Mail. This kind of journalism promotes the nonsensical conclusion that all Muslims are coming over here to claim benefits, take advantage of our council housing, and then blow us up. If people believe that, there's no wonder they are prejudiced! But will an event like this cause some of these people to take stock of their own prejudices? It's doubtful, and I think that simply by belonging to a particular religious background will be the cause of friction for some time to come.

Religious background doesn't really have much to with what has happened here, as religion is just a mask used by these people to justify their actions. They aren't going on killing sprees because that is their religion, it's because they are predisposed to it. If religion never existed, they'd find some other cause to rally behind such as politics, gang violence, or the lack of decent gardening shows on TV. The point is that they'll always find a reason, no matter how ludicrous. What could possibly be more insane than being told to kill by a magic man in the sky?

This was obviously Mr Breivik's motivation. He wrote a 1,500-page dissertation before the attacks which detailed his hatred for multi-culturalism and Muslim immigration. If brown people caused him to flip out and nip off for a quick massacre, you can't imagine what would have happened if he had watched this.