Thursday, 29 September 2011

Corned Beef Awareness Day

Here in the UK, we have a massive culture divide splitting our country in two.  The South is fully stocked with trendy people whose fluorescent cardigans get caught in the spokes of their mini BMX's as they ride around their office.  Their work is squeezed into the margins of the latest fashion magazines, and they all own flashing pinball machines instead of desks.  By contrast, us Northeners shit in fields and nothing but eat moss and bracken for dinner.

Despite this obvious difference in lifestyle, I never realised the gulf was so wide until I saw a news report on BBC Breakfast.

You know those fuzzy, warm early morning non-stories which take a bemused look at weird things of the world?  Well, I was surprised to discover that corned beef had been selected as that day's topic.  Cue lots of Southern news readers crowding around a plate of corned beef with expressions of confusion and astonishment.  Anyone would have thought they had been presented with a plate of freshly sliced unicorn meat.  They even carted in a token Yorkshire man to profess his love of corned beef, and they quizzed him on it as though it were a filthy perversion of nature.

Things took an even more surreal turn when an "expert" came into the studio to talk about his corned beef exporting business, which ships these fatty tins of minced cow across the world.  "And you send this to other countries!?" inquired the presenter, obviously deeply troubled by what this export will do to our national identity.

As a boy who grew up eating corned beef sandwiches for nearly every meal (in fact I was weaned from the breast straight onto tins of reconstituted bovine chunks), this blew my mind.  Why aren't our Southern cousins aware of this product?  In fact, why doesn't the whole world sit down and enjoy a good corned beef sarni? 

So that's it, I'm declaring today to be World Corned Beef Awareness Day.  I don't care what other holidays get in the way, this is something which demands urgent attention.  Whatever the hell day it is today, just go outside and buy tin of corned beef for a loved one.  The beauty of this foodstuff is the number of ways in which it can be prepared.  Here are some sample recipes to help you prepare your first romantic Corned Beef Awareness Day dinner:

Corned Beef Sandwiches

You will need:  Corned beef, bread, butter/margarine, tomato sauce

Simply place corned beef between two slices of bread, add butter and tomato sauce, and enjoy!  Replace tomato sauce with mayonnaise, if you're a filthy pervert.

Corned Beef Cobs

You will need:  Corned beef, butter/margarine, bread cobs.

This dish goes by many names.  It can also be called Corned Beef Baps, Buns, Bagels, Rolls, Breadcakes, Barm Cakes, or Stotties, but everyone knows the correct term is Cob.

Corned Beef on a Plate

You will need:  Corned Beef, plate, knife

Preparation time is cut down to a minimum with this one.  Get some corned beef, then a plate.  You can figure out the rest of the instructions for yourself.

Corned Beef Hash

You will need:  How the hell do I know.  Do I look like I've been on Masterchef?

Friday, 23 September 2011

Diet/Fitness Apps

As you should know by now, I am an idiot.  Not just a slightly under achieving doofus, I mean a hand-slapping, honking like a lobotomised seal kind of idiot.  True to form, I occasionally reply to spam emails in the hope that comedy will ensue.  I received this a few days ago from someone who wanted a bit of advice on her diet/fitness app:
Hi Addman,

I was reading your blog today and wonder if I could get your opinion on a diet/fitness app I am working on?

For me, I think the main problem with being fit and eating healthy is motivation. It's an abstract, overwhelming goal. I think the best way to counter this is to turn it into winnable games and small victories.

So... my app makes living healthy, and fitness into a RPG game, where users earn points, "level up', and earn badges as they accomplish their health goals. Everytime they add something healthy like veggies to their diet, they earn points. Everytime they complete a workout, they earn points. As they achieve more and more, they'll level up and unlock badges, and discounts/coupons to rewards like spas, health foods, maybe even sweet and semi-healthy things like raw chocolate.

Of course, to appeal to people's need for achievements/progress, I'm also adding charts, and graphs to show their progress... I think people love that sorta stuff. The whole idea is to shift people's attitude towards healthy living as fun, achievement, and winnable. We're missing that sense of "win" in fitness. That feeling we get when we finish checking things off a list, or cleaning up a room.

What's your opinion on this idea? Would you want to know when I'm done with it? If this sounds too silly, or absurd, just ignore what I just said, hehe =)


Despite my brain screaming at me to stop, I simply had to reply:

Hi Christine!

As you've read my blog, you'll no doubt understand how important diet/fitness is to me.  I simply cannot get by without a daily dose of diet/fitness.  Naturally, a diet/fitness app would suit me like water wings on a bumblebee, but I have a few questions about it?

1)  Would the app be available on Tuesdays and Thursdays?  I tend to perform most of my diet/fitness on these days.
2)  Would the app be free, or would you keep it caged up?  I only download free range apps.
3)  Do you need a smartphone to download the diet/fitness app?
4)  When you level up in this diet/fitness app, do you learn fireball spells?  This is crucially important.

Thanks for informing me about this and rekindling my love affair with diet/fitness.



She responds:

Thanks for the feedback, I'm glad you like the idea :) Hehe, the app will be for smartphones so you can use it 24/7. But there will be a website version so everyone can use it.

But no fireball spells unfortunately =(

I'll let you know when the site/app is done, so you can check it out. It won't be until later this year when I'm done with it. Creating an app and a website is very challenging, but creating something new that will help others is very exciting! ^_^

My response:

This is all very exciting!  A diet/fitness site/app available 24/7 would be a dream come true!

I understand how challenging it is to make a website.  I once created a website about my brother, it was called "FUCK YOU CONRAD!".  I knocked it up very quickly after he smashed my batman glass by accident/on purpose, and it all ended very badly when the police made me take it down.  I'm not allowed to see him anymore.  Anyway, if you need help on designing your website, I can give you a few pointers if you like.

I'm sad to see the lack of fireball spells, but I think you could redeem this by putting in a +1 Mace Of Corruption, or a Magic Missile.


 No further response from her yet.  I guess people aren't as easily lead these days...


Something for the weekend?  In honour of R.E.M.'s recent split, how about a quick rundown of my top three of Stipe's finest?

3.  Stand

2.  Man On The Moon

1.  The Great Beyond

Monday, 19 September 2011

Musicians Are Lying To Us

Let's start with a hypothetical situation.  Imagine if I released a product which was essentially a handgun covered in razor blades which shot rounds of exploding, venomous bullets.  Then imagine what would happen if I named this product "Cure-All" and all pharmacists stocked it.  Do you think I'd be arrested for false advertising?  Actually, false advertising is probably the least serious charge I'd be facing for being such a reckless, psychopathic bastard.

Anyway, if I can't do that, then why do we accept such blatant lies from our biggest recording artists?  We should expect them to stand up for what they claim to represent.  Still not sure what I'm getting at?  Here are a few examples:

The Pixies - All members of The Pixies can be officially classed as humans, not pixies.

The Killers - Not a single murder has been committed by any member of this band.  It's a disgrace!

Coldplay - Chris Martin's crew have done sod all towards the upkeep of recreational facilities for Inuit children, so how can they claim to stand up for Coldplay?

Rage Against The Machine - The average office worker displays more anger towards technology than these guys.  In fact, RATM seem much more disgruntled by the establishment, so they should call themselves Rage Against The MPs.

Snow Patrol - During last year's deep snowfall, I never saw a single report of Gary Lightbody clearing people's driveways or helping old ladies to the shops.

The Jam - Simply not spreadable at all, and tastes awful on toast.

The Smiths - The irony of Morrissey being to forced to make pointy, steel weapons of death would be so delicious it would keep me fed and satisfied throughout the winter.

We Are Scientists - No You're Not.

As you can see, the music industry is abundant with examples of downright dirty liars.  So I'll pass the mic.  Can anyone think of any other examples?

Friday, 16 September 2011

Jeepers Creepers

An open letter to the creeper plant growing on my house:

Dear Creep,

I understand that you hate my guts.  Considering that I have to use the sheers on you every couple of days, it was inevitable that we wouldn't get along from the start.  You don't like being chopped to pieces as much as I don't like doing it to you, and yet, you grow larger and stronger with each snip.

You have used to summer months to "Hulk Out" at every opportunity, extending your tendrils to the boundaries of reality.  You have a longer reach than Stretch Armstrong on stilts.  As you rapidly expand across the windows and doors, trying to entrap me like a fly in a matchbox, I'm sure that you're working your way underneath the house as well.  Undoubtedly, you're mutating into Audrey II six foot under my foundations, only you don't need blood in order to grow, yet...

Yesterday, I noticed you growing under the guttering and into porch.  This infringement on my property was a declaration of war and I was forced to react to your uninvited intrusion.  I hope that my crazed attack in which I hacked at you whilst screaming "Die, motherfucker!" wasn't taken as an insult, but you have to admit, you have driven me to this.  As a result, I had to spend several hours up a step ladder in the wind and rain, flailing around like a bicycle streamer in a jacuzzi.  My therapist says this experience has left me physically and mentally exhausted, and the crash caused when 50% of your bulk came down has left me needing treatment for shell shock.  My girlfriend thinks I'm being theatrical, but she weren't there man, she weren't there.

Even after this intense battle has been fought, I know in the long run that you still have me over a barrel.  As we have both taken up residence in/on a rented house, the contract for the house states that I must "maintain" you, and that any major changes have to be cleared with the landlord.  This means that we are stuck trying to co inhabit the same space.  I wish we could manage to get along, although you are more unmanageable than Naomi Campbell suffering from roid rage.  Also, if you could stop throttling all of the other plants in the garden like some sort of serial strangler, life would be so much easier on us both.

Yours desperately,


Monday, 12 September 2011

The Twin Towers: Hope And Achievement

We've come a long way since the World Trade Centres were attacked.  The defining event of modern times which also defined the now famous question of "where were you when..." is now over a decade old.  Many other people will be pointing out how society has changed, how religion has re entered the political arena, and how different war has become since the attacks, so I won't be adding another article to the deluge.  As we reach this tragic anniversary, it somehow seems apt to focus on the ways in which positive improvements have been made, rather than dwelling on the negative.

Instead, I would rather focus on the amazing achievements and discoveries that we have made over the last ten years.  Looking back, it's amazing how many of our daily habits have been radically altered by the advent of new technologies and discoveries. 

2003 - The Human Genome Was Mapped

Possibly one of the greatest medical breakthroughs of our time, the human genome was only successfully mapped out eight years ago.  The physicality of 25,000 genes was confirmed and, although work still continues to establish what each of these genes controls, we're getting closer all the time to discovering all the building blocks that make us human.  There are constant stories in the papers saying how scientists have found a fat gene, a clever gene, a lazy gene, or a dastardly super villain gene.  These discoveries are helping us to understand how to cure genetic diseases, meaning that degenerative conditions like alzheimer's could potentially be eradicated.

2005 - Civil Partnerships

2005 was the year when the UK finally decided that gay people weren't the disease-spreading, fire-breathing souls of the damned they were first thought to be.  As a result, the Government created the Civil Partnership and allowed them to effectively marry for the first time.  Civil Partnerships serve as a great litmus test to how our society has embraced gayness, but not embraced it in a gay way you understand!  Although same-sex marriage is still distinct from a civil partnership, with changing attitudes as they are, it can only be a matter of time before this changes.

2008 - Large Hadron Collider

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is simply a modern miracle.  This giant underground facility is designed to test for the hypothesized Higgs Boson, an elusive particle which, if discovered, will ultimately prove our understanding of physics to be accurate.  More interestingly though, if the Higgs Boson is not discovered, it would mean that the Standard Model would have to be rewritten entirely.  Either way, the fact that this 27 Kilometre laboratory was even built in the first place is nothing short of an achievement.  What it finds will tantalise for years to come.

2008 - Election Of A Black President

Barack Obama assumed presidency of the largest economic superpower in 2008, and since then he's systematically started changing the way in which the rest of the world sees America.  He started peaceful, considerate talks with previously alienated Middle Eastern countries, he closed Guantanamo Bay (the biggest torture camp of modern times), and instigated a healthcare policy which will lift millions of Americans out of poverty.  Not bad for three years on the job.  To see these changes made in a country who's previous foreign policy made it look like a xenophobic, paranoid state is as symbolic as the racial heritage of it's President.

2010-2011 - The Middle East Uprising

When discussing the protests in countries such as Egypt, Syria, and the rebel takeover of Lybia, I hear a lot of people say "I wish they would stop fighting".  I don't.  Not that I want people to be hurt, but because I want them to throw off the shackles of their oppressors and stand up for themselves.  These countries have been ruled by unelected despots and dictators for years, so it is heart warming to see these people marching for change and taking the power back.  To think that these countries will finally be able to set up stable governments that will listen to the people may be something of a pipe dream (God knows, we don't tend to get that in the most established of Democracies), but it's one step closer to liberation.

That's my top five anyway.  If there are any important, positive achievements that I've missed, feel free to suggest them.

Oh and, if you happen to be wondering "Where is the Addman who usually writes nothing but bile and hatred?", I'm sure normal service will resume as soon as a famous person annoys me.

That's you that is.  That's your mum.

Friday, 9 September 2011

Tory Hatemail

Today, I am pleased to announce that Muppets For Justice has seen a recent surge in popularity!  Huzzah!  So why has this blog been getting more hits lately?  Is it to do with the elegant writing style, or the unique witticisms?  No.  It seems that the recent spike in traffic is to do with the fact that Tories have taken it upon themselves to criticise me. 

A few weeks ago I wrote a rather antagonistic piece with a rather rude title.  This also included a few childish insults against the UK government which were immature, but good fun to write.  Anyway, the piece has attracted a few comments from Cameron supporters, and they've sent me a few emails about it too.  I thought I'd take a moment to respond to those people who took time out of their busy schedules to communicate with me:

Anonymous said...
so how do you think we should treat criminals in this country? i suppose you think we should just let them off!

Thank you for this wonderfully punctuated response.  No, I don't think criminals should be let off, but I expect them to be treated appropriately for the crimes they've committed.  I don't expect someone who steals a bottle of Lucozade to end up in prison longer than someone guilty of child sex offences.  I'm such a softy!

Joshy said...
What's all this lower class snobbery about serfs tears and fox hunting? Narrow minded insults such as these take a lot away from your article, and while I don't agree with it, I don't think you have managed to get your point across either. You sound angry at the establishment. Is this because you are one of these particular youths?

Good point, but you're wrong about one thing.  I'm 25 now, so according to the Census forms, I'm in a completely different age bracket.  This gives me the legal right to sneer at teenagers because, hahaha, they're all spotty and angry, right?  As for the other point, you're completely correct.  It's a good job I write a comedy blog and not for Newsnight then.

Anonymous said...
The riots were nothing to do with the government. they were to do with kids wanting new shoes and watches. dont beleve everything you read.

I'm so glad you got in touch just to tell me something which I wrote about all of two weeks ago.  Would you like a job on our writing team?  We can only pay you in smacks-round-the-head-with-a-shoe, but the work is rewarding enough.  Now, on to the emails:

Ben Jameson
Don't be ignorant!  Things wouldn't be any better under a labor government!  Ed 'spineless' Miliband doesn't do anything and just complains about everything.  Only a stupid fuck would support him and he doesn't have any ideas of his own.

Marvellous response here.  So, just because I didn't slag off Ed Milliband you automatically assume I'm a supporter?  If you had more than a slender grip on politics, you'd understand that there are more than two political parties to support.

Lyle King

I wanted to point out in your David Cameron story that you've left out a crucial piece of information.  The riots started because of the brutality of the police when they murdered yet another black youth in London and failed to follow it up with any kind of investigation.  If the police are not going to investigate instances of fatal force, then who can we rely on?

Lyle (I hope that's a fake name), I think me and you could get on like a Lidl on fire.  Indeed, Mark Duggan's death was the spark that started it all.  Let's not forget Operation Trident, a police initiative designed to reach out to the black community about guns and violence, but has been involved in a number of unexplained deaths.  Alright, Lyle's message wasn't hatemail, but I wanted to include it to show that at least not all comments I get are hateful.

If anyone knows where I can get a Tory Filter from, please let me know.


Bonus content:

Do you want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?  Click here and wonder what they put in the water in Detroit.  This is the results of an unholy union betwixt Jack White and Insane Clown Posse.  This unlikely matchup (coupled with the even more unlikely sampling of Mozart) has produced the most turgid piece of music I have heard for ages, and I recently listened to the death rattle of a howler monkey in a cement mixer.

The track samples the forgotten Mozart classic "Lech Mich Im Arsch" (you won't need a translator, trust me.  It means exactly what you think it means), but features everyone's favourite dynamic dunces, Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J doing what they do best.  Actually, what they do best is dribble and look in astonishment at magnets, but they attempt to rap and admit "I don't know shit about Mozart".  I know I say this everyday, but if this isn't a surefire signal of the looming apocalypse, I don't know what is.

I had a near death experience, and it looked like this.

Monday, 5 September 2011

Just Give Me 24 Hours

Television, bloody television! As many channels as you can wave a handheld infrared device at, and absolutely nothing to watch.

One of my many idle fantasies is to own my very own television station. Can you imagine the wonders of having your very own channel dedicated to your own tastes and whims? Mine would probably just repeat old comedy shows ad nauseum and everyone else would be bored brainless (like Dave, but without as much Top Gear). However, I wondered if I could think of enough original programming to make this justifiable.  I've drawn up a schedule of what an entire station would look like if I was given free reign for a whole 24 hours:

5:00AM - 9:00AM: Jovial Morning Happytime

Easy, light entertainment breakfast time show with inane banter and cutesy morning stories about kittens and shopping. This will be interspersed with images of gnarled, knuckleheaded horror masks propped up in abandoned warehouses, which will flash on the screen sporadically at random intervals. If this doesn’t wake you in the morning, nothing will.

9:00AM - 10:00AM: Slumquest

Obnoxious, sanctimonious talk show in which council estates are ravaged for participants, who are then dragged into a TV studio and forced to air their problems over a heated debate and an inevitable lie detector test.  If used a barometer for how well your life is going, you'll always great in comparison to these people.  Even a bluebottle slowly drowning in a pint of sick feel better about its existence after watching this.

10:00AM - 12:00PM: Homies Under the Hammer

Two back to back episodes of a Pimp My Ride and Relocation crossover.  Two urban families go head to head to see how much they can increase their property value through adding racing stripes, blue neon lighting, and a massive speaker system in the garage.

12:00PM -12:30PM:  Lunchtime News

Standard news bulletin, apart from an expert is bought into each story who declares "Now is the time to panic!"

12:30PM - 1:30PM:  Come Whine With Me

Four vaguely recognizable middle aged women sit around and slag off their husbands for an hour.  At the end of the show, the viewer is rewarded by seeing them being rolled up into carpets and thrown off the tallest nearby tower block.

1:30PM - 5:00PM:  Children's TV

Children deserve more TV.  And not that moralistic crap they often get fed.  I'm talking about anarchic, yet hilarious programming that doesn't talk down to children and strives to entertain rather than be preoccupied about teaching them lessons on life.  Failing that, run repeats of Cow and Chicken, Ren and Stimpy, and Earthworm Jim.

5:00PM - 6:00PM:  Tea Time: LIVE

Interactive quiz show in which the host asks viewers at home to text or ring in with what they are having for their tea, then berates them on their poor choices.  He also asks recipe related questions and becomes unreasonably angry if anyone uses a microwave.

6:00PM - 7:00PM:  Evening News

Longer news bulletin which is much more serious.  All presenters must have furrowed brows deep enough to irrigate crops.

7:00PM - 8:00PM - EURGH!  IS THAT A WART!?

Dr Chiseled McGorgeous presents this makeover show where hapless uglies are given £5000 and the name of a good plastic surgeon.  If their appearance has not dramatically improved in seven days, they are stripped naked in front of a mirror and laughed at until their body confidence improves.

8:00PM - 9:00PM - Sex Before The Watershed

Documentary aimed at empowering people through being naked masquerades as an enlightening look at body issues, but serves as little more than an opportunity to gratuitously gawp at naked people.

9:00PM - 10:00PM - Sex After The Watershed

Same show, but with more swearing and the occasional full frontal shot.

10:00PM - 11:00PM - Don't Snog, Marry, Or Start Living Off The Bride's Mum

Hilarious expose of cossetted teenagers and how woefully inept they are at simple tasks.  A sample collection of young idiots are removed from their parents for the first time, then put into a house where they are expected to get along flawlessly.  A voice is boomed into the house which mercilessly mocks them for every mistake they make, and also tries to persuade them to dress more appropriately.  The parents get to vote off the weakest members of the house, and the final two are forced to marry each other at the end.

11:00PM - 12:00AM - Animated Comedy

Two episodes of a new cartoon by Seth Macfarlane, or the writers of friends.

12:00AM - 5:00AM - Closedown

That's it.  The channel has effectively shut it's doors for the evening.  The next five hours are to be filled with elevator music, and a rolling slide show showing the network staff's holiday photos.  For extra fun, celebrities have been photoshopped into the background of each one so viewers have to find them and guess who they are.  If you find the celeb, you are encouraged to text in, where your message will be displayed on a news ticker across the bottom

Good, wholesome, family fun all round, I think.  Every demographic has been catered for, so advertising revenue would be through the roof.  Only, any Go Compare adverts would be instantly banned.  If only dreams came true...

Friday, 2 September 2011


I have a confession to make. I love rolling news channels. I love the sense of gravitas bought to every titbit of news as though it is epoch-shattering, life-ending information. Every time I see the banner "BREAKING NEWS", I read between the lines and a tiny television executive in my head screams "PLEASE DON'T STOP WATCHING!".

Why does everything have to be BREAKING NEWS anyway? I'd like to see a bit more variety in the form of more specialised headlines. This would surely keep viewers more entertained and engaged than boring old BREAKING NEWS everywhere. Here are a few ideas that those folks in Tellyland can keep, for free!

BRAKING NEWS - News about the auto mobile industry or traffic incidents

RAKING NEWS - Weekly gardening feature presented by Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimmock's breasts.
SHAKING NEWS - News relevant to those suffering from Parkinson's Disease.

BREAKING PEWS - News relating to civil disorders inside religious buildings.

FAKING NEWS - For stories which haven't been verified yet (would mainly be used on Sky News).

MAKING POOS - For when rioters do a dirty protest, or celebrity drunks shame themselves in public.

BAITING MOOS - News relating to widespread outbreaks of cow tipping.

DRINKING BOOZE - To be used for celebrity alcoholism stories, or when the news anchor goes mental due to the terrifying incidents he has to witness on a daily basis, and finds solace in the bottle.

This is so much fun that it'd be rude to hog it all for myself. Go ahead, I encourage you come up with your own taglines.


Since this post was a little shorter than usual, here's some bonus content. Here is my new favourite chocolate bar:

Jive bar: Now in Turkey Flavour!