Mother's Day

The day is almost upon us where we pay homage to the ones who birthed us.  As children, we cause nothing but pain and regret for our mothers during our formative years through teething, detentions, and tantrums.  As adults, very little changes in that respect.  Although, when we reach that state of self awareness known as maturity, it is nice to show that you appreciate the feminine half of your parentage by celebrating Mother’s Day.

This year, rather than just getting a few petrol station flowers and a card, perhaps you should think about getting a really worthwhile present.  Why not go out of your way this time and get something thoughtful, something meaningful, or something unexpected?  I’ve decided to list a few ideas, so feel free to use them.  No need to thank me.  Your satisfied postal cheques are thanks enough.

A typical, hard working mother

A String Of Garlic

When you tell your Mum that you’ve bought her some cloaves this year, there’s no chance that she’ll be disappointed or mislead.  You could always get her a Cloaves Voucher from your local supermarket, allowing her to purchase as much garlic as she could possibly imagine.

Two Bags Of Self Raising Flour

Because one bag would be far too frugal.  Your mother will appreciate being bought flours on Mother’s Day, because nothing says that you appreciate the way in which you were “raised” than some formative baking products.

A Smoked Cat

This delicacy is very simple to prepare.  Simply find a cat (preferably a neighbourhood one that no one likes), skin it, then slowly chargrill it for 24 hours until it is as black as Mitt Romney’s heart.  Once done, wring out any excess juices and bottle them.  Smells good huh?  Give your mother the bottle and watch her sample the delicious aromas of the purr fumes.

A Stripper

Don’t make the mistake of getting a male stripper, because quite frankly, no one likes to see a man in the nude.  Your mother is sure to enjoy a little bit of Candy. (P.S. always check the name of your stripper before purchase.  This pun doesn’t work if your stripper is named Chantelle or something)

50 Shades Of Gray

Because I’m sure everyone will be as pleased as punch to see their mother reading this book.  Then again, if you’ve already taken the previous idea and ordered her a stripper named Candy, this probably won’t disturb you in the slightest.

Now that we’re all a little bit wiser in the ways of mothers, I hope that you all get her something she truly deserves.  If you have any other ideas on what mothers want, please feel free to comment and make suggestions below.  In fact, I implore you to.  Not because I need ideas or anything.