Brain Shits - The Voices Strike Back

By the cock of Zeus (thanks Chiz), its been a while since I've done a Brain Shit.  For those who've never read a Brain Shit before, it's a series in which I just post the first things that pop into my head.  Aside from spelling and grammatical corrections, this is unedited.  For more Brain Shits, see previous postings here:

Brain Shit 1

Brain Shit 2

Brain Shit 3

Today's Brain Shit:

Of all the food groups, one of the most versatile is toast.  Toast shares virtually no characteristics with the bread it was forged from.  It’s brittle, doesn’t fold, and improves with jam.  But what about toast that always lands butter side down?  Scientists reckon that if you butter both sides, then toast is unable to touch the floor and stays suspended in the air.  

Well I think we can take this a step further.  We could butter the crusts of the toast, then try and roll it on the ground like a hula hoop.  The buttery properties of the toast would leave it spinning in the air, unable to land for all time.

Brown toast.  Get it?

I want to harvest this resource in order to make the world’s first flying cars.  Just replace the wheels with buttered toast (applied to the correct areas), and you’ve created an antigravity device.  I can see a bright future full of people zipping around in their breakfast cars, soaring majestically through the skies thanks to crispyfied bread and Lurpak. 

I often wonder what will happen when I’m gone.  Well, I know there will be a funeral, but I mean in the future.  What kind of technology will we have?  I think mankind will have reached its peak when everything in our everyday lives can be done from the comfort of our own beds.  Our beds will hover (thanks to toast) to the bathroom so we can relieve ourselves.  A robot hand will come out of the wall and brush your teeth for you.  Then, the bed will automatically take you to work.  It’ll slide through the doors of your office and dock into your specially crafted desk.  A pull out monitor will hover over your head to stop you having to sit up.  Unfortunately, I have a tendency to sleep naked, so people in the office better get used to seeing an abundance of flesh.  Due to such a lazy lifestyle, I’d probably be really fat as well, so people end up getting more for their money.  Not that people would pay to see me working naked in bed.  Or would they?

I saw a news article today about a man who had a bionic eye fitted.  He’d been blind for two decades, but they installed a microchip just behind his eye, and now he can see shapes in black and white.  In few years time, they might have technicolour eyes, then digital, then HD, then 3D, and you get where I’m going with this.

Google:  Coming in your eyes

Google invented some goggles recently that give you live information about what you’re seeing.  They also display maps for you, and I assume give you directions as you’re walking around.  Right before your very eyes!  That should be the tagline.  I’m waiting for Google Trousers, which give you up to the minute inside leg measurements for an impromptu trip to the tailor, measure seat humidity, and fold into shorts if it becomes too hot.  They could also constantly compare penis size for those insecure people out there.  The trousers could also have routes programmed into them, so they force you to walk a certain way to work (past an open window at the ladies gym), or stand at the back of guided tours so you can pretend you’ve already paid.

There are lots of benefits for Internet enabled clothing.  One thing I would like to see though, is food with GPS capabilities.  You could log onto a website and see how far along your digestive system your cupcake has gone.  This would enable you to plan your toilet trips in advance, making you the most productive member of the office.  Everyone would love you for it.  You’d get promoted instantly because of all the extra productivity.

Also, if you could virus scan potential sexual partners, that would be rather useful.

“I’m sorry, the date was going great, but then I scanned you and noticed Herpes.exe running in the background.  Call me when Dr Watson sorts that shit out.”

If you think this is a geeky post, that’s because I’m a geek.  I’m sorry to disappoint you.  I know you imagined me as a hunky rock idol who constantly rips an awesome guitar solo every time he posts on the Internet, which I do in between saving puppies and breaking hearts, so I’m sorry to let you all down.