What I mean is, it’s time for all the parents out there to
take control of their kids. That’s why
I’ve decided to give out some much needed parenting advice online. I am fully versed on the subject of
childcare. I’ve watched enough 80’s Hollywood
movies in which self made bachelors end up caring for a child in unlikely
circumstances, too many in fact. In other words, I
reckon I know which end of a child to wipe (answer: both). Anyway, here are some hapless parents who
need some tender loving advice:
Gemma Driveway – Calorie Counter
Dear Gemma,
I always tell my children (well, not my children, but ones on opposite tables in restaurants) that for every pea they fail to eat, a rabbit who could have eaten that pea, will die. Children love rabbits, so if they think their actions might go towards the harm of rabbits, they’ll swiftly change. If your child is particularly stubborn, you can buy some pet rabbits and skin them alive, hanging them about the place like a Turkish butcher’s window. Children need visual reinforcement, you see. Failing that, sitting down to eat a fresh rabbit pie should teach her the error of her ways.
Alaister Pigeon – Haemorrhoid Farmer
Dear Addman,
My son’s birthday is coming up soon. What should I get him as a present?
Dear Alaister,
Barry Shogun – Heavyweight Cardboard Boxer
Dear Addman,
Dear Barry,
Easy, buy some mutant, electrified guard dogs. Next!
Stuart Pourer – Head Tester
Dear Addman,
Dear Stuart,
Kids are always a bad idea. I don’t know who it was who invented kids,
but I’d force him to revise his blueprints.
Basically, they are stupid, miniature versions of yourself who are
protected, by law, from being forced to perform simple tasks for your own
profit. The only useful thing about kids
is that they provide a vessel through which you can pass your neuroses onto the
next generation. I hope that my
crippling fear of bananas will live on in my children, and my children’s
children, until one day, an army of my descendants rises up to destroy the
banana republic.
Anyway, the best way to put your spouse off is give her a
long list of made up congenital defects that are prevalent throughout your
family tree. Tell her about your great
grandfather who had an exploding spleen.
Regale her with tales of your uncle Norris who tragically passed away
after a severe case of eyelash cancer.
With enough horror stories like these, she’ll probably decide that inflicting
your children on the world is an unnecessary evil.
Nicole Papa – Cigarette Dispenser
Dear Addman,
My youngest child is fast approaching the age where I
have to give him “the talk”. Although
I’ve given this talk eleven times before, it never gets any easier. Are there any tips you can give me on this
matter?
Dear Nicole,
Brian Herbie-White – Professional Playa Hater
Dear Addman,
Dear Brian,
Alison Packard – Chief Designer Of Chiefs
Dear Addman,
I’m a busy woman who juggles a high powered business career and two
children. Both my daughters want to
start gymkhana, but I have trouble even spelling it, let alone having the time
to take them to one every week. How can
I let my princesses down gently?
Dear Alison,
If there's one thing I know about little girls, it’s that they hate riding horses with a passion. I don’t know what your
daughters think a gymkhana is, but I think you should set them straight. Then they’ll take up more appropriate girl
hobbies, like running up gigantic phone bills, fantasising about teachers, and
learning dance moves in the hopes of getting laid at the school disco.
Marissa Duracell – Child Photographer
Dear Marissa,
I think I saw a movie that was about this once. Do her symptoms include masturbating with a
crucifix, and an aversion to Holy Water?
If so, I think you might find the answer in an old, yet rather
controversial movie.
I think the movie was called Big.
In it, Tom Hanks wishes he was older, which comes true overnight,
leaving him in an adult’s body. I think
that your little girl is becoming a woman, and her terrible behaviour is a
result of the growing pains of adolescence.
You need to sit down and have a talk with your daughter, explain to her
about the changes her body will go through, then slap her repeatedly until she
stops being so repellent.
That’s all for now. Join me next
time when I’ll be teaching people how hitting your kids is bad as you might
hurt your hand, and how to handle a toddler who has set fire to himself. Good bye!
OMG!TFF! I'm sure you'll piss off child welfare services. They may show up at your door.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok, I'm prepared for them. I've trained some guard-toddlers to attack anyone who rings my doorbell.
DeleteAll sound advice... especially the Tenacious D link. That's a life lesson that shouldn't take a lifetime to learn.
ReplyDeleteYes, there's a lot that can be learned from the D, especially on how to treat the ladies.
DeleteWasn't the movie where Tom Hanks masturbates with a crucifix called Joe Versus the Volcano? Or was it the Burbs?
ReplyDeleteAnytime you can give out Tenacious D as advice is a good time.
As for the guy who's kid is being bullied, why waste time learning to wrestle and the odd molestation? Jump right to teaching him how to light things (people) on fire.
Tom Hanks has been in so many movies where he degrades himself with a crucifix, it's difficult to remember them all. It has become his trademark.
DeleteDogs hump each other as a sign of domination, so next time Junior's getting bullied, he should throw down his bully and pretend to hump him in front of the whole school. Everyone will have a good laugh, Junior will feel better, and the bully will kill himself in humiliation. It's the balance of life, or something like that.
ReplyDeleteGood point. Perhaps junior should carry a strap-on in his satchel too, just to make sure he hits the point home.
DeleteOh, when I saw the word 'spanked' in the title, I thought you were on about something else...my bad. (dejectedly puts away whips, chains and gag)
ReplyDeleteSorry to disappoint you Lily. Maybe next time.
ReplyDeleteI know you do not want the children. The children take years off a person's life, but it's clear to me that you would make an excellent father. And if you want to plant your seed in my little garden, I would be proud to pop out your baby. Just make sure the head is small. I could just take care of that by smoking throughout the pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the offer, I'll bear you in mind if I ever need some miniature versions of myself for some reason. Perhaps if I decide I need a small task force, your offer may come in handy.
DeleteShoot I grew up in the days when parents could legally whoop some ass. Shoot back then they even sent you to bring in your own switch. We had to do something really bad before it came to that. I turned out relatively ok, unharmed and unscathed. Loved reading this funny posting.
ReplyDeleteAnd now, in a twist of fate, it is the children who can legally whoop their parent's ass.
Deletelol this is great
ReplyDeleteWow Jesus reads my Blog! And I didn't even need to go to church! Thanks!
DeleteI'd love to learn a move or two from that Grainger fella if you ever discover where he currently resides.
ReplyDeleteBut if that's not possible, maybe you could assist me with an inquiry. I'm kind of in the middle of babysitting for a neighbor's child, and I've seemed to accidentally locked him in the oven. Is there an emergency release valve or should I just buy a replacement child?
Or you could just not turn the oven on. Looks like you'll be living off microwave food from now on.
DeleteSound advice - I know where to come for some no nonsense parenting advice in the future
ReplyDeleteDamn right. They were going to hire me for Supernanny until that unfortunate incident where that kid got 85% burns, then they went with that Jo Frost woman.
DeleteAs a parent of nineteen children, (ten of whom are still living) I have to commend you on your excellent advice. Maybe I'll just send you a couple of mine and you can put your theories to the test.
ReplyDeleteThanks, but last time someone sent me some mail order children, they mysteriously got lost in the post.
DeleteI don't have any kids, but perhaps I'll try your advice on other peoples offspring. People don't mind when you do that, right?
ReplyDeleteOf course not. A maverick nanny who spanks ass and takes names is just what the world needs right now. Be sure to film your exploits and upload them to youtube.
DeleteAll wonderful advice. I have raised two children and had great fun warping their little minds.
ReplyDeleteI'm pleased to speak to such a wonderful who has managed to raise two playthings- I mean children.
Delete