My Inbox Is Spam

Long time readers might recall that I have a penchant for replying to spammers.  In a similar fashion to playing the lottery, you know that the one Ugandan millionaire who you fail to reply to will be the one who is genuine.  I'll be damned if I'm missing out on that opportunity.

Naturally, I tend to get a fair amount of spam because I have the tendency to reply.  Most of it doesn't tend to go anywhere, but recently I've had a couple that have led to amusing exchanges.  I thought I'd post them here so that they aren't a complete waste of time.  Today's post focusses on Nenny, a Swiss lady who has more money than healthy breast tissue, as you'll soon find out:

BELOVED,

GREETINGS DEAR BLOVE ONE. I AM MRS NENNY WILLIAMS FROM SWITZERLAND,BUT BASED HERE IN UNITED KINGDOM LONDON, A WIDOW TO MR ANDREW WILLIAMS I AM 55 YEARS OLD,SUFFERING FROM LONG TIME CANCER OF THE BREAST, FROM ALL INDICATION MY CONDITIONS IS REALLY DETERIORATING AND IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS THAT I WONT LIVE MORE THAN MONTHS, ACCORDING TO MY DOCTORS, THIS IS BECAUSE THE CANCER STAGE HAS GOTTEN TO A VERY BAD STAGE.MY LATE HUSBAND DIED LAST FIVE YEARS HERE IN LONDON,WE WERE MARRIED FOR ELEVEN YEAR WITHOUT A CHILD .MY LATE HUSBAND WAS VERY WEALTHY AND AFTER HIS DEATH, I INHERITED ALL HIS BUSINESS AND WEALTH. THE DOCTORS HAS ADVISED ME THAT I MAY NOT LIVE FOR MORE THAN 2 MONTHS, SO I NOW DECIDED TO DEVIDE THE PART OF THIS WEALTH, TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE CHURCH IN AFRICA, AMERICA ASIA,AND EUROPE.AND I SELECTED YOU AFTER MY PRAYED OVER IT.

I AM WILLING TO DONATE THE SUM OF ( 2.800.000.00.) TO THE LESS PRIVILEGED. PLEASE I WANT YOU TO NO THAT THIS FUND IS LYING IN THE BANK HERE IN LONDON. ONCE I HEAR FROM YOU, I WILL FORWARD TO YOU ALL THE INFORMATIONS YOU WILL USE TO GET THIS FUND RELEASED FROM THE BANK AND TO BE TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT.

I HONESTLY PRAY THAT THIS MONEY WHEN TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE SURE FOR THE SAID PURPOSE, BECAUSE I HAVE COME TO FIND OUT THAT WEALTH ACQUISITION WITHOUT CHRIST IS VANITY. MAY THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF GOD BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.YOUR SISTER IN CHRISTMRS NENNY WILLIAMS

Poor Nenny.  I'd feel sorry for her if it wasn't for the fact that she's an utter fabrication.  In good Christian spirit (why do they always assume that you're religious?), I decided to write back:

Dearest, beloved Nenny,

I am so happy that you contacted me in caps.  We only get a limited time on this Earth, so I'm pleased to see that you are using the small time you have left to pass your wealth over to random strangers via the Internet. 

It seems that you are a good christian woman, and I am a good christian man.  I would happily use the money to build several African schools, churches, church schools, and schurches.  It would be the least I could do after receiving such a generous sum of money.  I would have to take some money myself for my general living, expenses, mortgage, speedboat, and a fleet of suicide geese, but the rest would go to Africa.  Honest

Also, you failed to mention the currency of the 2,800,000.00.  Is that in pounds, rupees, or 'favours'?  I'm severely in debt in 'favours', so this would go a long way to clearing that debt.

Thanks
Me

Nenny seems to mix her business with religion rather a lot.  It's like Jesus is her own personal financial advisor.

BELOVED

PLEASE FORGIVE THE HASTE OF THIS MESSAGE.  I AM RUNNING ON TIGHT SCHEDULE AND THE DEADLINE IS SHORTCOMING AND ONLY SEVERAL DAYS REMAIN. THE BANK REQUIRE SOME OF YOUR DETAILS FIRST IN ORDER TO TRANSACTION THIS.FIRST THEY WILL NEED YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER.  SECOND THEY NEED THE NAME OF YOUR BANK.  THIRD THEY NEED YOUR SORT CODE.  PLEASE PROVIDE AND WE CAN PRESS ON THIS.

MY HEARTEST THANKS GO TO YOU FOR THIS.  I HAD HOPED IN GOD THAT I WOULD FIND A MAN TO HELP ME CONTINUE MY AMBITION.

Can you imagine my joy at receiving this email?  After a heartest breakfast, I decided to reply:

Dear Nenny-Wenny,

I am pleased that I can make your dreams come true.  This means that I am no longer lying on my Match.com profile.

My heartest goes out to you in the heartest fashion over your breastest condition.  By the way, have you considered using the money to go private and get some treatment for your illness?  Never mind.

As for the bank details, I'm afraid I'm having a few problems finding them.  I went to see my bank (i.e.Tony "The Shark" Tickett who works in a warehouse near the docks), and he said that he wouldn't give me my bank details over a "crazy scam".  I insisted that God was guiding our transaction, but he wouldn't believe me.  He did kindly lend me the bus fare home though, which is set at 1200% APR, which means that my manageable monthly repayments will be £14,972 a month.  I don't earn that much , but since I'm such a shrewd financial person, I'll just take out another loan to pay it off.  Anyway, is there another way I can find out these details for you?

Yours heartestly
Addman

Apparently, going to my bank wasn't such a great move:

BELOVED 

YOU DO NOT REQUIRE YOUR BANK MANAGER FOR THIS TRANSACTION.  IF YOU HAVE A STATEMENT THE DETAILS WILL BE ON THERE.  YOU CAN SCAN DOCUMENT IF YOU HAVE SCAN OPTION.

I PRAY FOR YOUR SPEED AND UNDERSTANDING IN THIS MANNER. I MAY SAY THAT THERE WILL BE A SMALL PROCESSING FEE BUT DO NOT WORRY FOR THIS.  PAYMENT WILL FOLLOW SHORTLY AFTER.

What could possibly go wrong?

Dear Nenny McPhee

I'm afraid that Tony "The Shark" Tickett doesn't tend to give paper statements.  He just usually carves the figure you owe into your forehead with a shard of glass, before washing the wound with a litre of phlegm.  I've tried scanning my face so you can have the details, but the bright lights blinded me and I knocked over the coffee table in a daze.

Upon hearing about our transaction, I'm afraid that Tony has also frozen my account for fear that I'll get "ripped off again".  I explained that I haven't ripped off before, I just haven't received those cookies from that hairy, 6ft tall, bearded girl scout yet.  She also said she'd send my credit card back too.  Regardless, how can I convince Tony that you're a genuine, Christian person?

Yours BleedinglyAddman

Oddly enough, she failed to reply after that.  Yet again I've missed out on a fortune thanks to my backstreet bank manager.