Tuesday, 24 April 2012

U – Um Bongo


Um Bongo, Um Bongo, they drink it in the Congo.  Or so I have been reliably informed.

Um Bongo is a fairly mediocre juice drink which attained mild popularity in the UK around the mid to late nineties.  It’s probably still available for all I know, but I haven’t noticed it on supermarket shelves for many years.  Now I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking “What’s for dinner?” or “I wonder, if I were to throttle a Smurf, what colour would he turn?” but in between these important ponderings, you may also wonder why I’ve chosen to write about a relatively unimportant juice drink.

They (i.e. The Um Bongo Marketing people) are responsible for reprogramming my brain.  It was like MK Ultra, only with tropical blended fruit instead of mind altering substances.  My prepubescent brain decided that it craved Um Bongo, solely based upon the catchy advertising jingle.

Drink a carton down, and you’ll feel unremarkable.  This is ultimately a bad thing, so I suspect the manufacturers put more time and effort into their promotion campaign, which consisted of various jungle animals juggling fruit and singing about it.

It completely sucked my childhood self in.  So much so, that when my brain is idle (essentially 93% of the time), the Um Bongo theme plays on a loop, like a mind screensaver.  I believe that I have been brainwashed by advertising execs, and am considering legal action.

In a desperate bid to expel this from my mind, I tried to imagine another advert from my childhood.  I came upon the equally infuriating Wiggly Worms song “Wiggly Worms, you just can’t catch ‘em”, which has become an alternate screensaver and is driving my adult self wild with a mixture of frustration, and extreme nostalgia.

The bastards at Um Bongo HQ tried to rush my demise through earlier with the advent of a spin off drink named Um Ognob.  Those of you with eyes will have noticed this is Bongo spelled backwards.  They even had a spinoff advert in which they declared “UM OGNOB?!” in an obnoxious and startled manner.  When I was ten, shouting “UM OGNOB?!” was a way of declaring mild surprise.

Congo representatives have been unavailable to comment as of publication time.  Regardless, might I point out how deep my psychological scarring is by asking you to read the first word of every paragraph I’ve written so far?  Yes, that infuriating jingle even permeates my writing.  However, let me leave you with a YouTube video of the offending article:


20 comments:

  1. I remember Um Bongo but wiggly worms? Childhood adverts that scarred me were - coco pops and fudge, that one is always in my mind..a finger a fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat, its full of...

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    1. Have you seen that newish Coco Pops advert with the gay lispy ostrich?

      "Ooooh, there's a spanner in works!"

      Delete
  2. any drink called Um Bongo is worth a try!!

    Cheers.

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    1. It's quite an unremarkable drink, so don't expect much.

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  3. That's funny. I've never heard of Um Bongo. In fact, I thought you were cheating from the title, thinking you were posing a confused question, "Uhm, I don't know, Bongo?" But no, you were in the right and I mistakenly prejudged. I'd love to try this MK Ultra equivalent. Especially if it's so powerful it alters your brain to carefully craft each paragraph like that.

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    1. The government have been reprogramming children with it. It's a conspiracy I tells ya!

      Delete
  4. The jingle is probably riddled with subliminal messages. Have you ever tried playing the song in reverse?

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    1. I did, actually. It summoned up a rhinoceros in a grass skirt who proceeded to dance while juggling fruit. Unfortunately, it tripped over my coffee table and caused a lot of damage, which I'm trying to claim back from the Um Bongo corporation.

      Delete
  5. !!ognoB mU !looc skool tcudorp siht woW

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    1. Argh, you're speaking in tongues! Devil! Oh wait, I see what you did there.

      Delete
  6. LOL! Love your brainwashing theory and scarily enough, I think you're onto something. ;)

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    1. I think most advertising is rudimentary, legal brainwashing. Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist or anything.

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  7. Damn I can remember that tune. Do you remember the Trebor Mint advert..."Hey Mister Soft, why don't you tell me why the world that your still living is so strange!". Shit gonna have that in my head for ages now!

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    1. I used to love that Mr Soft advert. I feel a YouTube coming on...

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lL6hkpJveM

      Delete
  8. Do they milk pregnant drums to make that drink?

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    1. Pregnant drums, AND sterile trombones.

      Why yes, I have had a lobotomy recently. Why do you ask?

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  9. Not gonna lie, that advertisement made me really thirsty. I've never hear of Um Bongo, though.

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    1. I think it may be a British thing, to be honest. That might explain it.

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  10. I never heard of Bongo, but my ex called me wiggle worm. It's because I am gross, slimy, and can't stop wiggling.

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    Replies
    1. Is it because you also eat soil, and if you get cut in half, both parts will continue living?

      Delete

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