Y - Yummy

Music?  Pah!  Modern music is destroying the fabric of our society, what with it's hip hops, bitches, and atonal cadenzas.  There's no wonder that our kids are turning into porn-wielding, mass-murdering, turnip-molestering thugs.

Back in my day, we didn't have this problem.  Mainly because songwriters back then had the decency to cover up any smut with a thin layer of ambiguity.  Sure, those songs sound innocent enough at first, but under that pretty veil lies the face of a rotting zombie-bride, and you've already said your vows!  Erm, I mean you've probably not noticed the erotic and violent subtexts of some of the classic oldies your granny likes to dance to.

As a prime example, take the song "yummy yummy yummy I've got love in my tummy".  Sounds innocent enough, right?  That's until you realise that you can't actually eat love, what with it being an abstract concept.  So what kind of love is in my tummy?  The only conclusion you can draw is that it refers to seminal discharge, making the whole thing a massive reference to oral sex.

That's not the only depraved showcase out there.  Take a look at this monstrosity and see if you can spot the sick references:

"Sugar sugar, doo doo doo doo doo-doo
Oh honey honey, doo doo doo doo doo-doo
You are my candy girl"

First off, no girl is made of candy, not even Katy Perry.  Secondly, the song insinuates that it would be nice to eat a girl as a dessert, which is obviously erotic cannibalism.  I'll stick with a cheese board thanks, even if she does use strawberry body wash.  Lastly, the song makes several references to "doo-doo", which is basically poop.  Pooing on people for sexual pleasure, no doubt.  Was this song written by a German?

Which leads me onto my next song, The Candyman.  No, not the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory version, that one is actually about chocolate (although Gene Wilder does say that he mixes it with "love").  I'm talking about the one that talks about "giving a sweet side of sugar for the candyman".

"What's wrong with a peck on the cheek?" I hear you ask.  Not a lot, unless you have herpes.  However, the song is actually referencing something far more seedy and sinister.  You see, a "side of sugar" is a sexual act in which you roll your testicles around in the sugar jar, then dangle them over a dog.  And if that wasn't the original intention of the song, it certainly was by the time Christina Aguilera covered it.

Ban this sick filth!  Well, just give me 5 minutes to finish up first, then ban it!