T – Tofu

What is Tofu?  Yes, yes, I know it’s a meat substitute that’s suitable for vegetarians, but what actually is it?  What is it made of?  Where did it come from?

Tofu is like the dark matter of foodstuff; the Higgs Boson of gastronomy.  We believe it exists and we’re starting to be able to measure it under laboratory conditions, but it’s difficult to describe to someone.  How do you define it?  It’s an unquantifiable chunk of...thing.

As you can tell, there are many questions in my mind regarding tofu.  Is it carbon or silicon based?  Is it grown or created?  Is it healthy or chock full of additives?

I’m sure I could easily find all these answers and more by simply looking at the Wikipedia article for tofu, but that would shatter the mystery for me.  I’m a simple guy with simple pleasures, such as imagining the magical properties of a food which is probably a lot less magical in reality.  I know it’s probably created by adding a load of artificial flavourings into a stock cube of maize extract or something, but I prefer the illusion that it’s a type of natural resource that has to be mined from the Earth’s core in deepest, darkest Borneo.  Perhaps they are created from the yolk of alien eggs that were laid on this planet millennia ago.  That’s much more interesting.

WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU!?!

 Let’s face it, someone needs to liven up tofu.  It’s blander than a BBC4 documentary on sandpaper.  Quorn is just as bad.  Unidentifiable lumps of non-meat that don’t really taste of anything are hardly going to set the world on fire (unless you leave the oven on).  I think I’m the man to liven it up a bit.

Taking a leaf out of PETA’s book (they recently claimed that veganism can improve your sexual prowess), I’m going to start a marketing campaign which tells people that tofu can give them superhuman powers.  Quorn sausages are scientifically guaranteed to give you laser eyes.  A meat-free life will essentially elevate you to the status of a God.

However, that bacon sandwich does look tempting...