Everyone loves a good wizard, don’t they? They do a lot of wonderful things, such as
shooting lightning bolts from their fingers and wearing pointy hats. When they’re not doing those things, they
tend to speak words of wisdom, and grow fantastic beards, like the grandparents
you wish you had.
Many of you may already have your own favourite wizard,
but are they really a wizard? They might
be a warlock, who is a male witch. Or
they might be a necromancer, who tends to raise skeletons and zombies from the
dead. With so many different types of
magic user out there, it’s important to know how to classify them correctly.
Wizards are predominantly male. This isn’t through some kind of gender
discrimination where women who apply for wizarding positions are routinely
overlooked in favour of their male counterparts. No, this is because most women lack the
ability to grow a magical beard. A beard
is the most magical property a wizard can own.
In a similar way to how Samson drew his strength from his locks of hair,
wizards can channel paranormal forces through their facial fuzz. As such, the wizarding world is sorely
lacking in ladies, except for my aunt Ada, who is the only woman I know who
managed to grow a successful beard. She
also tends to scream a lot and throw her cats-I mean familiars, at passing
trains.
A group of wizards is called a Band |
Robes are another valuable resource in the wizard’s
wardrobe. Normal clothes only prove to
be a distraction for a magic user. When
you’re busy throwing lightning spells at a dragon, the last thing you need is
to be worrying that your shoes match your jacket, or finding your mobility
limited due to wearing a pair of leather trousers. So that settles it; plain grey, black or
white robes all the way. I tried to
replicate this style by wearing nothing buy a dressing gown once, but was
promptly arrested after being challenged to a dual by a local child, and
reaching for my wand.
Now that you’re aware of these points, you’ll be well
placed to spot a wizard. However, Even
though you might now be the authority on wizard recognition, let me throw a
curveball in your direction. How would
you categorise Wizadora? She’s not a
witch, her name suggests that she’s a wizard, but she doesn’t have a
beard! She’s like the jaffa cake of
magic; uncategorisable.
Or perhaps she's one of Santa's elves? |
Wizards (or wizzardSS as they prefer to be known - wizards are only good at one type of spelling) are a subject close to my heart.
ReplyDeleteMy favourite is Rincewind from Terry Pratchett's Discworld. He's definitely a wizzard as it's written on his hat.
Also... Wizadora?! Wow that brings back memories.
I like Wizards but not Magicians although I am not entirely sure what the difference is!
ReplyDeleteWell, what's the difference between Paul Daniels and Gandalf?
DeletePaul Daniels is married!
ReplyDeleteUtterly brilliant comments. I might as well take my post down and just let you two have a conversation. It's certainly more amusing.
ReplyDeleteHaha love it!
ReplyDeleteI am furious that the computer age has cheapened the wizarding experience. Now there are "Set up Wizards" and "Connection Wizards" and such. I hope that someday a Wizard form the days of old, smites those smug bastards and their bits.
ReplyDeleteToo right! Also it would make Harry Potter a little more geeky.
Delete"You're a connection wizard, Harry!"
It seems that a new trend in television is depicting Merlin as a groomed lady's man. It doesn't make sense. Where does his magic come from if not from his big, bushy beard?
ReplyDeleteIt's a different type of magic called "sexual magnetism".
DeleteAm I the only one that ever noticed that wizards and mental asylum patients share a lot in common? Like, they all have scraggly beards, they all run around in nothing but a white robe, and they all think the world's going to end?
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of wizards go mad with power, and have to be locked away in padded rooms for the safety of the public.
DeleteWoman can't grow beards? I don't know, I've seen plenty that can!
ReplyDeleteSo people with big beards and robes are wizards? I always called them hobos!
She's an elven wizard (they can be girls)!
I'm excluding women who work in charity shops.
DeleteWhat the hell! Why didn't you mention Merlin? The geek in me is really pissed at you right now.
ReplyDeleteNo, seriously. He would have kicked Gandalf's ass something wicked. Think about that.
ReplyDeleteMaybe so, but I cant stand that recent bbc adaptation of merlin.
Delete