Friday 17 May 2013

Your Friend The Bee

Bees bees, the musical fruit.  The more you eat, the more you toot.  ~ Ancient viking poem on bees.

The plight of the bee is well documented at this point.  You've probably all heard the phrase Colony Collapse Disorder; a mysterious event where bee colonies suddenly and unexpectedly die.  This has been happening across the world for the last few years, with startling acceleration.

So what's causing the issue?  It has been speculated that mobile phone signals might be interfering with their navigation, causing them to be unable to find food.  Others have suggested that parasites or disease might be the root of the problem.  However, one bright spark suggested that pesticides (the insect killing chemicals they spray all over bee food sources) might be killing the bees.

This seems to be the most likely cause.  Who knew that insect poison might poison insects?  Of course, the bees weren't the target of the crop spraying, but that's similar to me infecting everyone in the world with HIV in order to try and kill Piers Morgan.

Obligitory bee picture for bee article


"But Addman, why are you so concerned with the plight of the bee?  Haven't you been known to tear apart hives like soft bread to get at the sweet, sweet honey?"

Yes, and that's exactly why I'm concerned.  No more bees means no more honey.  In fact, no more bees means no more flora and fauna in general.  Bees are the single most effective method for flowers to have sex with each other.  Through some complex mechanism that I was too busy doodling dragons on my biology book to full take in, bees get inside flowers, flowers have sex with them, then the bees go other flowers and spread the sperm around.  It's called pollination; a fairly new phenomenon that all flowers have been upgraded to with the latest patch.  It's so cutting edge that it's no wonder science hasn't yet thought of these consequences.

So, how can you help bees and beekind?  First off, don't spray them with a can of Raid.  If they enter your house, catch them in a glass and let them out outside.  They only sting if you threaten them, so a gentle touch should keep both you and the bee safe.  Don't shout at them, curse their mother's, or throw ball bearings at them from the opposite side of the room.  In fact, a bee sting equals certain death for the bee as it tears out it's own digestive tract with the sting, meaning that it will only use it as a last resort to protect the hive.  If you're really scared and squeamish, just open all your doors and windows and wait for it to leave.  Trust me, the bee doesn't want to stay in your house.  He has no interest in sleeping on your couch, watching Dog The Bounty Hunter and eating all your sliced cheese.  He'd much rather be out in the wilderness, naturing it up like a motherfucker.

Dear readers, I implore you, please be kind to the bees.  They are on the verge, and your kindness and understanding will help.  Allow flowers to grow in your garden that may attract bees.  Don't pave over your back yard just because you can't be bothered to maintain it.  Let the bees do that.  If we take away their pollen sources, as well as poisoning them, we're signing their death certificate.

I would also encourage you to have sex with the bees and try to repopulate the Earth with a hybrid race of rabid man-bees, but I have been assurred by a scientist that this isn't a viable option.  Instead, I beg you for your awareness and your support for the bees.

15 comments:

  1. I think we can do without human/bee hybrids but I do think we need to take better care of bees. Bees are pretty awesome and they're as necessary for our existence as trees are.

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    1. You're probably right on the hybrid front, but a man can dream...

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  2. Also, if there is a bee infestation in your home, call a nearby beekeeper. Not only will it be cheaper and more environmentally friendly than calling an exterminator, but beekeepers are well-known for their smooth-talk and seductive nature. The ratio of having sex with a beekeeper is much higher than that of an exterminator... I-I've heard.

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    1. I don't know about that, it might create a bit of a buzz with the neighbours.

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  3. Hello Mr Addman . . . . . I think you need to know, you can only breed with the Queen.

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    1. I don't think Her Maj would be best pleased with that.

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  4. I wouldn't think of killing a bee, and recall having a fight with Mrs. C. because I wouldn't kill the one in our bathroom. Life on this planet would change significantly without bees. Most of the food we eat would vanish and the human population would plunge from massive starvation.

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    1. You are a true saviour of bee-kind, and yet, your wife is a horrible monster for wanting to kill it. No offence.

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  5. That was very educational Addman. Now can you explain the steps in which one likes to nature it up like a motherfucker. I think I missed that part on the Wildlife channel. :)



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    1. I wrote a letter to Attenborough asking him about this, but he never replied.

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  6. Do you know who I blame for the fall in bee populations? Philip Schofield.
    For no other reason that he looks too squeaky clean to be THAT innocent. He must be guilty of something and I can't think of anything better than to catch him in the act and parade his Bee killing ass around every garden centre and Public park so we can "tut tut" at him and waggle our fingers in his direction.

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    1. I blame him for most of the ills and shortcomings in our society. Most This Morning presenters are secretly working to destroy the Earth.

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  7. I've wanted to keep bees for a long time. Mostly to try the man-bee hybrid thing, but this sounds like a good reason, too. Thanks for spreading the bee love like a good little Muppet pollinator.

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    1. I don't know if being a Muppet pollinator is a good thing, but I'm going to have fun trying!

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  8. I'm not going to believe in any of those potential causes as to why the bees are disappearing until we have fully exhausted all the theories that involve aliens.

    GO BEES!

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