Your Friend The Bee

Bees bees, the musical fruit.  The more you eat, the more you toot.  ~ Ancient viking poem on bees.

The plight of the bee is well documented at this point.  You've probably all heard the phrase Colony Collapse Disorder; a mysterious event where bee colonies suddenly and unexpectedly die.  This has been happening across the world for the last few years, with startling acceleration.

So what's causing the issue?  It has been speculated that mobile phone signals might be interfering with their navigation, causing them to be unable to find food.  Others have suggested that parasites or disease might be the root of the problem.  However, one bright spark suggested that pesticides (the insect killing chemicals they spray all over bee food sources) might be killing the bees.

This seems to be the most likely cause.  Who knew that insect poison might poison insects?  Of course, the bees weren't the target of the crop spraying, but that's similar to me infecting everyone in the world with HIV in order to try and kill Piers Morgan.

Obligitory bee picture for bee article

"But Addman, why are you so concerned with the plight of the bee?  Haven't you been known to tear apart hives like soft bread to get at the sweet, sweet honey?"

Yes, and that's exactly why I'm concerned.  No more bees means no more honey.  In fact, no more bees means no more flora and fauna in general.  Bees are the single most effective method for flowers to have sex with each other.  Through some complex mechanism that I was too busy doodling dragons on my biology book to full take in, bees get inside flowers, flowers have sex with them, then the bees go other flowers and spread the sperm around.  It's called pollination; a fairly new phenomenon that all flowers have been upgraded to with the latest patch.  It's so cutting edge that it's no wonder science hasn't yet thought of these consequences.

So, how can you help bees and beekind?  First off, don't spray them with a can of Raid.  If they enter your house, catch them in a glass and let them out outside.  They only sting if you threaten them, so a gentle touch should keep both you and the bee safe.  Don't shout at them, curse their mother's, or throw ball bearings at them from the opposite side of the room.  In fact, a bee sting equals certain death for the bee as it tears out it's own digestive tract with the sting, meaning that it will only use it as a last resort to protect the hive.  If you're really scared and squeamish, just open all your doors and windows and wait for it to leave.  Trust me, the bee doesn't want to stay in your house.  He has no interest in sleeping on your couch, watching Dog The Bounty Hunter and eating all your sliced cheese.  He'd much rather be out in the wilderness, naturing it up like a motherfucker.

Dear readers, I implore you, please be kind to the bees.  They are on the verge, and your kindness and understanding will help.  Allow flowers to grow in your garden that may attract bees.  Don't pave over your back yard just because you can't be bothered to maintain it.  Let the bees do that.  If we take away their pollen sources, as well as poisoning them, we're signing their death certificate.

I would also encourage you to have sex with the bees and try to repopulate the Earth with a hybrid race of rabid man-bees, but I have been assurred by a scientist that this isn't a viable option.  Instead, I beg you for your awareness and your support for the bees.