Jeff sits alone in his cubicle. The strobe light effect of his dilapidated
monitor blinks with an insanity-inducing intensity. There is a large pile of “urgent” work in
Jeff’s in-tray, and Jeff knows that he needs to make a start on it lest Jeff
get shouted at by his boss, again. As he
contemplates the task at hand whilst trying to avoid succumbing to madness from
his incessant screen, he notices a mail icon appear on his taskbar.
An email has arrived.
An email that needs to be read before Jeff can even concentrate on his
important tasks. He clicks on the mail
icon and takes his sweet time in reading the contents, relishing this tiny
fractal of free time before he has to urge himself into submissive labour once
more. The email is from a work colleague
informing him that the lifts in the building are broken. This is the third time this month and is
becoming something of a nuisance for the lazier members of the office, Jeff
included. He didn’t pack any sandwiches
today either, meaning that Jeff will have to descend seven flights of stairs on
the stroke of twelve, pick up a sandwich, and then ascend those same steps
again. This was the main downside of
working on the top floor, more so than being the last out in the event of a
fire. Merely thinking about the journey
made Jeff’s calf muscles quiver in reluctant anticipation.
Why was the lift broken again? As the thought swirled round in his mind, he
read the second line of the email. “The
lift engineer will be out this afternoon to fix this”. Yeah, right, when pigs fly! The lift engineer had never turned up on time
before. To suggest otherwise was
madness!
As this thought occurred to Jeff, the further thought
occurred that other people in the office would be as despairing as he at the
current circumstances. Jeff immediately
formulated a joke in his mind. Going
with his ‘when pigs fly’ branch of thought, why not reply to the email with a
picture of a flying pig!? Everyone would
get that! Their exasperation would be
relieved by his mirthful response, and he would be hailed an office hero! This narcissistic thought spread to his
fingers as he grabbed his mouse and keyboard, and searched for a picture of a
flying pig online.
Babe: Pig In The Fuckin' Sky! |
With the relevant picture found, Jeff nimbly inserted the
picture into an email and fired it off.
He looked at his system clock, less than two minutes since the original
email was received and he’d already fired off a witty barb of magnificent
quality. Surely the lady on reception
would feel compelled to honour his fine comedy with a naked scarf dance.
As Jeff sat back in his chair in smug satisfaction, he
suddenly noticed that another new email had been received. Upon clicking on the icon, he was mortified
to see six new emails had actually been received, all relating to the lift
email, all containing their own jokes and all sent quicker than his! How could this happen? He clicked on the first one, a picture of
hell frozen over. Dammit! Why didn’t he think of that? He glanced over the office floor at the
sender, Clive from accounts. Clive
smirked back with a knowing “beat you to it” glance. How could an accountant be funnier than he
was?
There was no alternative.
Jeff needed to come up with a funny response to Clive’s email, something
that would dwarf Clive’s attempt at humour and divert all the attention back to
Jeff. Scrambling to open Paint as fast
as he could, Jeff imported Clive’s picture of a frozen hell, and then copied in
his flying pig, thus combining both jokes into a mashed up uber joke. This was surely on the cutting edge of comic
capability. Had such a combination ever
been attempted? Jeff was about to find
out as he clicked send, then peered over his divider at Clive to witness his
response.
Sexy vintage clipart |
Meanwhile, a lonely office worker in the corner sits
helpless as his screen fills up with a barrage of utter garbage. This is the third time this week that the
office has descended into this kind of unrepentant shittery. He slips his hand in his pocket, pulls out
his letter of resignation, and begins the work across the office floor towards
the boss’s office.
I really really really hope you're the "lonely office worker" and not either of the other two crafting said "hilarious" emails. Office humor is brutal. It's trite banality at its worst. Every office I've worked at has compared themselves to some "whacky" human zoo. "We're like that show The Office, everyone is such a character!" Said Hortence the Accountant who has more teets than lactating bison.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I got a little carried away with my rage. I guess that's the hallmark of a good story, one that inspires emotion in the reader. I actually loved this because of the ending.
I guess it's a good thing that I've inspired rage within you. Sounds like you've worked in a few "you don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps" kind of offices.
DeleteI think I would actually probably enjoy working in an office like that but I can see how it would also be mentally destroying. Although to be fair to Jeff if he had just read the email quicker and not been so despondent, he may have made the joke first.
ReplyDeleteHis mind works too slow to be the ultimate office joker. It's like a drag race to see who is the least funny person.
DeleteI think "unrepentant shittery" described my days as a cubicle jockey to a T. Also, office humor is difficult, especially when you're in an environment that sucks every last shred of creativity you have. As stated in my past comment, I'm still damn excited for this podcast. Make it happen already!
ReplyDeleteI'm trying! Wait, perhaps I should stop procrastinating by replying to comments and get on with making the podcast.
DeleteI told one of my co-workers I thought Louis CK was pretty funny. Now, I get a flood of emails containing links to clips of his stand-up that I disregard and simply reply, "Ah, that was hilarious" while faking hisses of hilarity from behind my desk so he thinks I watched it.
ReplyDeleteBut, yes, I get a flood of these types of emails as well. Everyone tries to one-up the last message and it goes on for eternity. Your account was wonderfully portayed!
You have to pretend to laugh at emails all day? If I were you, I'd ask to be waterboarded instead.
DeleteWhat that office needs is a staircase. . . . . . . problem solved. I will send a picture of a staircase soon, once the boss is looking in the other direction, distracted by the quiet hard working chap in the corner resigning . . . . . you know thingy....whats his name?
ReplyDeleteStairs! Why didn't I think of that! I've been base jumping out of the window every day, which isn't great because I've killed several endangered condors doing this.
DeleteTiming is everything with e-mail comedy.
ReplyDelete.....................................................indeed.
Delete