Brain Shits – Vol.3

Please enjoy another Brain Shit.  For those who haven't read one before, please see Volume 1 + Volume 2 for an idea as to what it's all about.

I remember a song about tiger feet that went “That’s neat, that’s neat, that’s neat, that’s neat, I really love your tiger feet”. I often wonder what it was about. I suspect it’s a protest song against Chinese herbal remedies.

Now I know a lot of people say “I’m not a racist, but...”, and then they say “I know a lot of people say ‘I’m not a racist, but...’”, but why do Chinese people eat such weird food? There was a zoo in China that had too many hippos, so they ate them. The cafe served hippo toes on toast, along with any other animals that they had a surplus of. Rather than eat them, wouldn’t it be better to put them back in the wild and let other animals eat them instead? At least give them a fighting chance.

There’s a farm shop near me that serves ostrich burgers and crocodile steaks. I’ve often wanted to try some, but I’m scared that Greenpeace will get me. Those pacifists would tear me apart like a cream cracker. Oh god, now I’m imagining having crocodile meat on crackers! Animal rights campaigners will be camping outside my door now.

It strikes me that there aren’t many animals involved in animal rights protests. You’d think that dogs would march against being made to smoke. Why do you never see any vultures flying for their rights? Perhaps it’s because they can’t make any banners, or can’t come up with a catchy slogan. Or maybe they don’t care that much about their own rights. A person going to animal rights protests is like a man going to feminism rallies.

Well, you only have yourself to blame.

Are rally drivers people who drive other people to protests? I bet Colin McRae was one hell of a chauffeur, especially with all the off roading he liked to do. I don’t think he could drive a car on tarmac very well, that’s why he was always sliding around in mud. He’s probably as good at driving on roads as he is at flying helicopters. I wonder why they stopped making sequels to his video games?

On another note, just how short do shorts have to be before they become short shorts? Is there a line between short shorts and hot pants? I tried to ask our local fashion guru, Wilfred Bobbins about it. He said he’d model some for me so I could tell the difference. In his basement, he tried on various outfits but I was still confused. I was a little put off that he didn’t go behind a screen to change, and that he was playing smooth jazz on the stereo. He told me the music was by Charles Cunnilingus, and asked me if I liked Cunnlingus. I said I was unfamiliar with his work. I said I needed to go home as my Adam’s Apple was starting to hurt, at which point he became angry. He said I fooled him into thinking that I was a girl. I told him I didn’t mean to mislead him, but Tuesday is my dress and wig wearing day, just as Wednesday is pork chop day, Thursday is pizza day, and Friday is my police baiting day. He said he’d see me on Friday.

I tried baiting the police once. I put a lost wallet on a fishing line and dangled it outside the police station. Whenever a policeman came to pick it up, I wound it in a bit and had them chase it across the floor. The problem was, once I’d wound the line all the way in, they inevitably caught me. I was told that if I didn’t pay a fine I’d get a criminal record. I told them I’d take a Fleetwood Mac record, as it’s criminal that they haven’t released anything for ages. They gave me a Coldplay record instead. That taught me not to do it again!

Oh and, just so you don't think I'm mad, here's a news article about Beijing Zoo eating their animals.