Whoop Whoop – All Aboard The Freedom Bus!

I always knew I was destined for greatness, even from an early age.  For some unknown reason, the divines have kept me from fulfilling my potential until much later on in life.  For nigh on 15 years I was forced to debase and humiliate myself into the secret herbs and spices at the command of the Colonel.  Well, those days are finally coming to an end as I have found my true calling, and I’m going to make a name for myself so that momma can be proud.

It all started a few nights ago.  I was in bed minding my own business when, out of the blue (or out of the black, as it was very dark), a disembodied voice burst into my room, booming away with such vigour that it knocked my Thundercats glass right off my nightstand.  It spoke with such command that I immediately stood to attention, then got out of bed.

“Lo, Addman, son of the milkman” spoke the entity in its most speakingest voice “Fear not, my child, for I have chosen you for greatness!”

Artists impression of the voice

I had never been picked first for anything before, except for the first to be sacrificed when my brothers and I were playing Aztecs as kids.  Understandably, I was rather excited about being picked for greatness.

“You will lead my people to the promised land.  I want you to gather up as many followers as you can for this great cause”

The very next morning (well, around 12:30PM.  It was a Tuesday after all) I put up a sign in my front window which read, in bold Wingdings font, “KNOCK HERE FOR SALVATION”.  The fish were ready to be caught, the line had been cast, now all I needed was worms.

Disappointingly, no one came.  I waited nearly two weeks and not a single soul came to me to be saved.  It seemed like a futile task, especially when work started calling and telling me that if I didn’t show up for my shift, they’d easily replace me with a spotty school dropout who would prove to be more efficient anyway.  Dejectedly, I ran to my bedroom and began to cry.  I prayed for the voice to come unto me once again, and bring me sweet relief with his kind lips.  My prayers were answered when he spoke to me for a second time.

“If the people won’t come to us, we need to go to them”

Genius!  It was time to take my mystical message to the road!

One evening, I commandeered a bus from the local bus depot, and began by driving around regular bus routes in the area.  Commanded by the voice, I pulled over for people at bus stops, opened the doors so they could get on, then wrestled them to the floor and secured them to the bus seats with duct tape.  I drove around for the rest of the night and managed to convert several followers to the cause using this tougher sales technique.

Us having a toilet stop

By the time I’d gathered seven or eight to my flock, problems started to set in.  The devil was trying to sabotage my efforts by possessing some of the passengers.  Some screamed obscenities at me and struggled profusely in their seats.  Others began sobbing loudly.  In the end, I couldn’t hear the voice over their incessant yapping, so I was forced to tape their mouths up as well.  Using a pack of plastic biros, I pierced the tape and allowed them to breathe through the hollow tube.  The biro cases converted their annoying screams into soothing whistles, and made for a rather tuneful sing/whistle-a-long as we continued our journey.  Who knew that Cliff Richard’s greatest hits would sound so great with a biro-whistling backing chorus?

For the last few days we’ve been travelling away from the cities, only stopping to pick up the odd hitchhiker and convert them to our cult-I mean cause.  We now have a grand total of 15 followers, which is more than I’d anticipated.  The freedom bus is rolling its way towards the promised land, which I just know we’ll reach when we arrive at our destination.  The only way to reach the promised land is to drive the bus at high speed over a 100ft drop into a quarry.  Or so the voice tells me. 

We've also had an advert on the local radio station.  The announcer said that authorities are looking for my bus, which is nice to know that local government are supporting my cause.  Perhaps this will attract some new followers as well.

Once we’re there, I’ll post something about how nice it is in paradise.  One lady on the bus has already wet herself with excitement, so I’d better go and clear it up.  If you want me to come and pick you up, just say so in the comments section, and I’ll try and swing by before we take the big plunge