Modern Parables

In the olden days, people were all about parables.  There were parables for just about everything, from eating your greens and sharing your toys, to polite methods of performing a reach around on your significant other.  Some would say that the world was in the grip of parable fever.

However, parables have sadly died off these days.  Perhaps if we still had parables to teach us a moral code, we wouldn't have fights over the remote control, or divorces over ill-advised decorating choices.  I think there's a lot we could learn from them.  That's why I've taken on the challenge of writing my own.  I hope that these examples alter your fundamental principles:

A homeless man sits on the curb, begging pedestrians for change.  The first person he asks a rich, successful lawyer.  He asks if the fancy-suited man can spare any money for a bite to eat.  The lawyer completely ignores him and carries on walking.  The second person to pass by is a middle management type.  Again, the beggar asks him for money so that he can survive.  The middle management man simply shrugs apologetically and moves away quickly.  The third man to pass is wearing a filthy, ragged jacket and smells faintly of wee.  The hobo decides not to trouble this man, as his outward appearance would suggest that he cannot afford to give to the poor.  However, the scruffy man approaches the hobo and hands him several gold pieces.  The gold gives him bad luck for the next seven days and later, a drainpipe falls on the hobo, killing him instantly.

Moral of the story:  Don’t accept cursed Aztec gold.


A man is sat at home looking at his toes.  He laughs and gurgles at the absurdity of his appendages.  His wife comes home and says “why are you laughing at your own feet?”  The man replies “When I was a baby, I used to do this all the time”.  “But you’re not a baby anymore” the wife states, to which the man says “Well if that’s case, how come I’ve just shit my pants?  Your move, Sherlock.”

Moral of the story:  It’s important to retain a youthful outlook.

Me last week, telling parables and stuff

A tiger is sat on a rock in Africa.  It’s a Tuesday afternoon and the weather is clement.  As the tiger contemplates matters of great importance and manages to rethink his entire understanding of molecular biology, he is interrupted rudely by a lion.  The lion says “What are you doing?  You’re on the wrong continent!”

Moral of the story:  Lions and tigers live on different continents.


A banana falls off a tree and makes a squishy sound.  A man who was around to hear it wonders what it would sound like if he wasn’t around.  He sets up a microphone and leaves it next to the tree for several days.  Through this investigation, he discovers that the exact same noise is emitted if no one is around to hear it, thus ending years of speculation around the subject.  Unfortunately, the scientific community took away his grant after he was found to be putting bananas up his bum.

Moral of the story:  When people trust you with money, don’t use it for sexual gratification.

A bumnana

Two men walk into a bar and order drinks.  After the first sip, the first man falls over to the ground, clutching his chest.  It’s clear that he is having a heart attack.  The second man promptly ignores him, as they were never that close anyway.

Moral of the story:  Don’t let strangers stand in your way.

A parrot was travelling through the forest one day.  As he walked along he came to a river which appeared too fast and deep for him to cross.  He walked for miles in each direction, but couldn't find a suitable spot to cross.  Just as he was thinking of turning back, a frog jumped out of the river.  This gave the parrot an idea.  "Hey buddy!  Lemme hitch a ride on your back across the river!" the parrot said.  The frog was nervous about this proposal.  "How do I know you won't sting me halfway across?"  "I promise I won't sting you, because I really need to attend a funeral on the other side" explained the parrot.  The frog was still unsure.  "But how do I know you won't sting me when we reach the other side?" "That wouldn't be a nice way to repay the favour" said the parrot.  With that, the frog was convinced and allowed the parrot onto his back.  Halfway across the river, the frog did a barrel roll and flung the parrot into the water.  The parrot, struggling for air, shouted "Why did you do that?" "Because you didn't offer me any money for petrol!" screamed the frog, before swimming off and leaving the parrot to drown.  A nearby bear who witnessed the whole thing didn't understand any of it.

Moral of the story:  Never trust a frog.

A friend of mine at junior school once snorted an earthworm.  It made him choke and he had blocked sinuses for the rest of the week. 

Moral of the story:  Don't snort earthworms.

Well, I feel like I’ve learned a lot from myself today, and I hope you have too.  Do you have any nonsense-I mean wise parables you’d like to add?  Feel free to do so.

----- Submitted for this week's Dude Write, an awesome blog full of awesome dudes.