Achy Breaky Hearts

~To the guy who held a door open for me at the local department store, thank you.  You were gorgeous.  I gave you my number, so call me!  Also, thanks for letting the door swing shut in my friend’s face and breaking her nose.  The bitch has been starting to look cuter than me lately.

~Me:  Lank hair, bear-like physique, Gears Of War promotional T shirt with only two custard stains on the front.

You:  Lovely brunette lady who didn’t complain when I pressed my erection into your back on a crowded train.  Your hair smelled like cinnamon.  Fancy a Butterbeer sometime?

Nice day for a geek wedding

~Thanks to the pregnant woman who gave me her seat on a crowded bus.  It was useful to rest my shopping bags full of dog food on that seat.  I’d quite like to be your baby’s step daddy sometime.  I promise I won’t lock it in the basement in favour of our own, legitimate offspring.

~Me:  Cute blonde you caught staring at you from behind a copy of Heat magazine.

You:  Man who tried jumping in front of a speeding train.  When you’re feeling a bit better, let me know and we’ll end it together, in style.

~You:  Toothy crack whore, last seen gnoshing on my junk behind Kwik Fit.

Me:  Guy with the penis you said looked like an Allan Key.  Perhaps next time I could use it to tighten your lock.

~To the man who was caught streaking around the children’s playground at my son’s school.  All the other parents were furious, but I rather enjoyed it as a performance piece about our immediate fury over sexual imagery around infancy.  Nice arse too!

~You:  80 year old, grandmother to four, living in the Blakesley Care Home, flat number 13, ground floor.

Me:  Your home help.  Next time I promise you a sponge bath you’ll never forget!

~To the beautiful young lady who ran me over in a Vauxhall Corsa, I think I might have left my heart in your wheel-arch.  If I win the court case, I’ll use the money to buy you a bunch of flowers.

~To all the women I saw in last month’s edition of Playboy, I’m single, willing, and able.  I’m available to apply lotion and help with any costume changes.

~Me:  Guy you found rattling around in your rubbish bins last night.  You called me a freak when I picked out some of your hair and wore it on my head.  I don’t know why you called the cops halfway through our date, but I’m still game for date number two.

You:  Britney Spears

~To the dashing gentleman who saved me from a tribe of cannibals, then whisked me away on his galleon, then began fighting hordes of invading pirates whilst proposing marriage to me, why aren’t you fucking real?!