Last Night’s Fight Club

Hi fight fans!

Let me start off by saying, last night’s Fight Club was one of the most successful we’ve ever had.  We sold more tickets at the door than ever, and attendance was so high that we had to turn several people away.  It seems that some of you have forgotten the first two rules of Fight Club!  Regardless, a good time was had by all.

Nevertheless, there were certain elements which spoiled the overall atmosphere. I feel that, since Fight Club is becoming more and more popular, these issues need to be addressed.

·         When you get hit in the mouth, please be careful where you spit out your blood.  I would urge people to cough in the opposite direction of the snack buffet if possible.  Last night I found that my punch (which I slaved over a hot stove all day to make) was full of scabby teeth.  It almost put me off my second glass full.

·         Whoever thought it was a good idea to bring a baby is sorely mistaken.  I ended up babysitting the thing for half the evening because I couldn’t find the father.  Luckily I had my emergency baby chest harness with me; otherwise I would have missed my bout with Kyle Hensworth.

·         Please can we try and keep the trash talk to a minimum.  I find it rather unsporting when I’m trying to grind an opponent’s face into the floor, and someone behind is calling me “Poop Breath” and “Farty farty trump nose”. 

·         When you bring food for the buffet, try to bring things that don’t require cooking.  The abandoned warehouse we use as a venue doesn’t have a toaster, a microwave, nor does it have any power.  This is just a waste of time.  Plus, cold Hot Pockets are disgusting.

·         The rules state no shirt, no shoes, but it doesn’t say anything about my red fleece all-in-one pyjamas.  If I want to wear them I will, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

·         If you insist on breaking bones, please have the common courtesy to drive your opponent to the emergency room afterward.  Some of us have families to go back to.

·         Some people are complaining that having your own entrance music is a little too self indulgent.  However, I refuse to believe that nobody enjoys watching me strut into the ring accompanied by Ride Of The Valkyries.  My teenage daughters even agreed to be backing dancers, and some inconsiderate souls said it was inappropriate.  Hey, my daughters are trying to get into dance school, so gyrating around in swimsuits is good practice for them!  Try thinking of others for a change!

·         I shouldn’t have to say this, but no pets.  A canary cannot fight and has no place at Fight Club.

·         We will not be introducing weight classes into Fight Club.  If you get hit by one of my belly bounces, that’s your fault.  Being the skinny twig that you are, you actually have the advantage due to my excess surface area.

I think that’s all for now.  I look forward to our next Fight Club on the 27^th and hope you can all make it.  Next time is Ladies Night, so if you want to bring your wives and girlfriends to be punched in the face, feel free.