Classic Intercourse

Sex!  Sexy sex!  Sexual sextasy sex!  Now that I've got your attention, I'd like to talk to you about sex.

As humans, we love a bit of sex every so often.  This fact was scientifically proven by the sales figures of 50 Shades Of Grey, which was now sold more print copies than The Very Hungry Caterpillar (a rather depressing fact, I know).  Before this "50 Shades" book was written, women were physically and mentally incapable of having a wank.  Now, in this post-ladysex reality we are currently inhabiting, women simply refuse to stop strumming themselves stupid over the erotic thoughts of millionaire men who dupe them into signing rape contracts.  Or at least, that's what I've gathered from the media.  I've also gathered that these books are very badly written.

As you can tell, I've not read 50 Shades Of Grey, or any of the trilogy.  I can't comment on their content very much.  As an outsider, I find it difficult to imagine how the concept of legalised rape can take up to three novels to fully explore, but I guess I'm not the target audience.  It appears that there is an audience for this type of thing though, as the novels have single-handedly proven that there's a real market out there that not even Mills & Boon managed to satisfy.

However, I have come across an astonishing new trend.  Publishers are intending to rewrite classic novels in a more sexual format.  In the wake of this tidal wave of literotica, the bandwagon has formally rolled into town, stopping just long enough for publishers to shove a bunch of classics onto it.  The funniest part of that article is that Sherlock Holmes is being rewritten to include a homosexual romance with Dr Watson.

Here's where the trouble started

Of course, many purists are outraged that such classic literature is being desecrated by what is essentially bad fan fiction.  Their criticisms are well founded, as fan fiction is always 90% awful and 10% confusing.  The surprising thing about fan fiction is that it can spring up around any type of media.  For example, who on Earth would write fan fiction for the poorly received video game, Kane and Lynch?  I won't link you to it, but I assure you, it exists.  Even more surprising is that this type of fan fiction is about to hit the mainstream, and will be available in print.

But this got me thinking (I know, it's a rare occurrence).  Perhaps these stuffy old novels really do need to be sexed up a bit.  I've come up with a few ideas of my own, so publishers, if you're reading, I'm available and willing to write any of  these "mummy porn" novels for a modest fee:


Catch-Syphilis


Follows the struggles of pilots during World War 2 and their attempts to escape the pitfalls of an excessive, contradictory bureaucracy and numerous examples of STIs.


Nineteen Eighty-Whore


A young woman travels the dystopia of Eurasia whilst engaging in constant erotic liasons under the watchful eye of "Big Brother".


Of Pubic Lice And Men


The story of a man taking sexual advantage of his mentally disabled friend across the farmlands of depression-era California.  Includes many references to "petting soft things" and gloves "full of vaseline".


To Thrill A Mockingbird

A moving account of race relations in America, and how to sexually satisfy avian wildlife.


Lady Chatterley's Growler


Exactly the same as the original.

Anyway, why should I have all the fun?  I'll open the floor to you, dear readers.  What sexy classics would you to see?

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As a bonus this Friday, I'd like to present another spam exchange.  I received an email from a Rachel Grey (50 Shades Of...hahaha!), and I had absolutely no idea what it was about:

Hi,                        

I'll take this opportunity to introduce myself, my name is Rachel Grey,very nice to meet you. I work as a SEO manager for Optimized SEO.

I'm making a research for one of my partners and while doing soI noticed muppetsforjustice.blogspot.com and I have few interesting suggestions for youand I would like to tell you more about them.

If you are interested I will be happy to send the additional informationand all the SEO details needed.

Thanks alot,

Rachel Grey

See?  What the hell does that mean?

Hi Rachel Grey,

I too am always making research.  The other week, I made an astounding research in the toilet.  I had to invite my neighbours over to look at it, it was such a research.

I hope you don't think I'm stupid, but what is an SEO?  I think I saw something about that on the Internet once.  Doesn't it stand for Sexy Erogenous Orgasm?  If so, I'd be very interested in more information, especially in Optimised SEOs.  Perhaps we could do a research on it?

Thanks

This is is her response:

wow.you are right ...you have won 1 million dollars for your sense of stupidity :D..gaga

Ouch.  Not cool Rachel, not cool at all...