Uncles Are Destroying Social Mobility

It has recently come to my attention that there is a sinister force at work in the employment sector.  Have you ever wondered why, when you absolutely aced that interview and gave the entire interview panel a metaphorical blowjob (or a real one if it would help your chances), they went with some spotty, uneducated and over-nourished prick whose only life skill is an offhand knowledge of saving throws in Dungeons and Dragons?  Well, I have figured out the sinister truth behing this phenomenon.  I can confirm that the entire corporate world is run by a cartel of uncles.

That’s right.  Every job that should have been yours but went to some unenthusiastic work experience kid is all the despicable work of uncles.  They infiltrate interview panels and put their nephews and nieces in positions that can’t possibly cope with.

They do this to ensure their own hereditary rule.  Their own kids are probably off having a gap year in Morocco “finding themselves” amid a vast stockpile of credit card bills.  Ergo, these uncles offer their vaguely related offspring the chance of employment instead.  They stack the cards in their favour, pull the strings behind the scenes, laugh at your CV like it is a script for a new series of Blackadder, and throw it out in favour of their own brood’s CV.  Even if their application reads like Vogon poetry, it will rocket to the top of the pile.

Don't you mean "Uncles rock the foundations of the world of business"?  No, that's a bit of a stretch.

South Park predicted this.  At least, I assume that’s what the Uncle Fucker song was all about, those pesky fucking uncles.  Or maybe they thought it was a humorous replacement for the word motherfucker.  Either way, I support their ongoing campaign against the uncle menance.

If you don’t think this consortium of uncles is an issue, just you wait until you become an uncle yourself.  I’m actually an uncle four times over.  I’m a powerful level four uncle, and I can feel my employment-stifling powers coming into blossom.  That’s right; I’m effectively campaigning against myself.  I’m doing this because I understand how dangerous I am becoming.  Once my uncleoscity is in full swing I will be unstoppable, ruining everybody’s employment opportunities and installing them in positions of authority.

Some of you probably think it’s high time that I started a protest against myself, although you didn’t think it would be for this reason.  Anyway, regardless of your reasoning for wanting me gone, I invite you all to a protest against myself next Thursday.  My aim is to be more successful than the Kony campaign in the regard that we can actually put an end to this evil right away.  There will be effigy burning, toasting marshmallows over the effigies, and perhaps even a giant Addman wicker man.  Basically, there will be lots and lots of fire everywhere, so bring shorts.  If enough people gather we can finally end this Addman threat once and for all.  Oh, and uncles.