Heston's Christmas Recipes

Hi mothercookers!  It’s Heston Blumenthal here.  You’ll probably know me as that loveable scientific TV chef.  Others may know me as the world’s foremost Harry Hill impersonator.  Regardless, I’m here to teach you some wonderful Christmas recipes that I just made up straight from the top of my dome.

Now, we’re all sick to the back teeth of traditional Christmas food.  Turkey is the least popular bird since Rod Hull’s Emu ended up on Operation Yewtree.  And the less said about yucky sprouts the better (or as I call them, the Devil’s Haemorrhoids).  So, I’m here to teach you how to make some alternative, interesting, and sciencey foodstuffs to dazzle your friends and family with this festive season.

Edible Christmas Presents

Ingredidents: 2 x rolls of sugar paper
1 x block of black marzipan
Food Colourings (red and green)
1 x PS4
1 X Phial Of Liquid Nitrogen

Recipe:  Take your sugar paper and draw cute, Christmas designs all over using your food colourings and a paint brush.  Draw some Christmas trees, mistletoe, or a shopping centre Santa getting kicked in the bollocks by a petulant child.  Once done, deep fry your child’s Christmas present (in my case, a PS4), then wrap it up with the sugar paper and use flattened marzipan as a ribbon.  Present the gift with some liquid nitrogen for extra gravitas.


23 Bird Roast

Ingredients:  Turkey, Chicken, Duck, Pigeon, Pheasant, Grouse, The Famous Grouse, Goose, Swan, Moorhen, Sparrow, Chaffinch, Robin, Blue Tit, Wren, Crow, Magpie, Hawk, Falcon, Kez, Ostrich, Dodo, Kiwi
1 x Phial Of Liquid Nitrogen

Recipe:  Take your first bird by the head, and shove it up the arse of the next bird.  Complete the chain until you have a fully joined circle, creating an ouroboros of cruelty.  An avian centipede.  A duck-dynasty daisy-chain.  Cook in the oven for three to six days, then serve on a bed of liquid nitrogen for a cool, funky effect.


Pourable Gammon

Imagine this, but as a liquid

Ingredients:  1 x Gammon Joint
1 x Blowtorch
1 x Phial Of Liquid Nitrogen
1 x Curly Drinking Straw per person

Recipe:  Take your raw gammon joint and slam it down on the table in front of your startled diners.  Take your blow torch out and heat the gammon to around 2000-2500C, until it becomes runny and pliant.  As the resulting mess begins to drip off of the table, throw in some liquid nitrogen to give it texture, then allow your diners to drink the meat through their curly straws.


A Giant Fucking Dinner

Ingredients:  1 x Giant Turkey, Giant Carrots, Giant Peas, Giant Brussells Sprouts, Giant Pigs In Blankets, Giant Gravy
1 x Phial Of Liquid Nitrogen

Recipe:  For those Christmas traditionalists who want to put a little spin on the usual Christmas dinner, why not just do a giant version.  That’s basically what I do on my TV show, just make gigantic versions of normal food, then prance around like I’m an unholy cross between Willy Wonka and Moby.  Throw in some liquid nitrogen because it is an essential ingredient in any recipe, and Bob’s your new, creepy step-uncle who tries to watch you change.

And there you have it, four sumptuous Christmas feasts fit for any deranged, inbred King.  I wish you all a glorious holiday season, and I pray to God that you don’t watch Gordon Ramsey’s cookalong on Christmas morning, you heathen bastards!  Tally bye!

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For those of you looking for a little more, I encourage you to read Bumferry Hogarts latest Blog post, in which he interviews a very handsome character about his upcoming book. You can view it here.  I hope you'll find it to be as amusing as we found it to be, and follow his Blog while you're at it because he's a talented, funny guy.

Other than that, that's it for 2013 as Muppets For Justice will be closed during the Christmas season.  This is partly because I have the long-awaited eBook coming out on the 3rd of Jan which I have to prepare for, and also because I will have family commitments that will keep me away from Blogging.  Until then, I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year.  Normal service shall resume on the 3rd.

The Best Stuff Of 2013

Hello and welcome to the Muppets For Justice Best Of The Year post, which I have never done before.  Now, 2013 was filled with all sorts of miscellaneous stuff and things, far too many to list.  Some of those things were good, some were bad, and some fell somewhere in between.  But to scrutinise and identify all of these things and stuffs, we’d be here all day and my fingers would be worn down to the skeleton just from typing about it.  To save us all time and copious amounts of blood, I’m just going to talk about the very best things that have existed within the year of 2013.

Best Movie For Excluding Midgets

The Hobbit quite simply has to snag this award.  In a film which should be chock full of parts for the vertically challenged, not a single midget or dwarf was cast, even when most of the cast are supposed to be dwarves.  As an example of how to exclude minorities (some of which could possibly be classed as disabled), The Desolation Of Smaug is a unparalleled, shining beacon of intolerance.  They didn’t cast a real dragon either.

Best Television Moment

In a year which has seen the finale of Breaking Bad, it seems strange to award this to Confessions Of An Alien Abductee, where a woman named Chantelle genuinely believed that she was being abducted by aliens everytime she ate KFC.  As it turned out, she was the most abducted person in Britain, claiming that aliens were moving her cigarettes.

To put that into the context of her beliefs, basically, an alien race evolved over millions upon millions of years, gained sentience, mastered space travel to a point that is deemed physically impossible by human understanding, travelled out in the cosmos to search for intelligent life, found a lone woman in Manchester, then proceeded to move her cigarettes around to annoy her.  That is their entire galactic strategy, to steal fags from people.  Utterly hilarious.

We have travelled the galaxy, for the smooth flavour of Malboro.

Best Awful Celebrity

The winner of the Best Awful Celebrity award for 2013 (and every year) is of course, Piers Morgan.  That’s not just because he’s the smuggest git to ever get his gittish face on TV (although his television shows are horrible exercises in elitist bonhomie), but mainly for his historical actions.  Basically, Piers was a major player in the phone hacking scandal, even admitting to Paxman that he knew how to hack people’s private voicemails and offered to demonstrate.  He also doctored photos of soldiers abusing prisoners in Iraq, just to sell a few papers.

Best Blogger

This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the coveted Best Blogger award.  This goes to the Blogger who has made an outstanding contribution in the field of Blogging.  Bloggers are scored on quality, persistence, and having an obnoxious orange banner at the top of their page.

The results are in…normal, no evidence of autism.  Take that trolls!

Oh, and the award for being the Best Blogger goes to….ADDMAN!

I was so shocked by the outcome that I demanded a recount.  But as it turns out, it came out as me again!

I am so proud to accept this award from myself.  I’d like to thank all of my fellow Bloggers for not being quite as great as me during 2013, and here’s to 2014.  Merry Christmas everyone!

One Sentence Movie Reviews

As someone who has viewed screens that have movies on them for, sometimes up to two hours in one sitting, it's quite surprising that more people haven't asked me for my opinions on films. Well, since I am an opinionated person with a Blog, I will inflict those opinions upon my readers.

However, we are all very busy people with far too little time on our hands. That's why I am going to keep my reviews short and limit them to one sentence maximum.

So anyway, here's a rundown of films I have seen this year, in one sentence or less:

Do they even use projectors anymore?

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Quite simply the funniest thing put to celluloid for years, and that's not a joke because I can't think of anything funnier than what's in this film.

The World's End

Not quite the funniest thing put to celluloid, but it has robots filled with blue stuff in it.

The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug

Fucking Legolas wasn't in the book, so the fact that he keeps fucking swanning around and saving every fucking fucker, is just a shrivelled rabbit turd on top of a delicious sundae.

Thor: The Dark World

Chris Hemsworth battles generic aliens again in the background while everyone pays attention to Tom Hiddleston.

Man Of Steel

They must have paid Russell Crowe a substantial amount, because the amount of times he comes back despite being dead suggests that the producers wanted their money's worth.

The Lone Ranger

Jack Sparrow vs Cowboys

Star Trek: Into Darkness

Benedict Cumberbatch cries, then rips people in two with his bare hands.

The Great Gatsby

Tobey Macguire earns his keep as a man who looks at everything with amazement and wonder.

Tobey, what wonder do your elf eyes see?

Captain Philips

Tom Hanks turns skinny in this fascinating hostage situation, but a Stockholme Syndrome-styled romantic plot wouldn't have gone amiss.

Saving Mr Banks

Tom Hanks looks a lot fatter in this.

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For anyone who wants a bit more Muppets For Justice action, or anyone who wants to learn a little bit more about my upcoming book, please go and check out Rob Z Tobor's blog, specifically this post.  It's an interview about my upcoming ebook, which should hopefully prove humorous and insightful in equal measure.

Unlucky For Some

The late and great Rebecca Black (RIP) once sang those immortal words that resonate with all school kids and bored office workers alike; "Friday, Friday, can't wait 'til Friday".  Whilst that is normally a universal truth, this particular Friday is one that you shouldn't be looking forward to. For this Friday is the unluckiest of days, the dreaded 13th.

But why is the 13th considered so unlucky?  Well, it all dates back to the Viking invasion, when Throngar The Mighty, after delivering a rousing battle speech, accidentally put on a novelty helmet that had the horns on the inside.  As such, the battle was lost that day.  And what was that fateful day?  Why Friday the 13th of course.

But surely the myth hasn't sprung up around some foolish event that happened hundreds of years ago.  As it happens, there are tons of historic mishaps that have occurred on this date.  Here are a few examples:

51 BC: Caesar's thumb fell off after an unexpected bout of gangreen. This meant that many enemies of the state were unable to be killed after returning triumphant from the gladiator pit.

Ever wonder why statues of Caesar never show his hands?

1536:  Anne Boleyn had a traumatic day when one of her servants unwittingly put dog's milk in her tea.  Due to a shortage of cows, dogs were conscripted to provide dairy produce to the masses, but this putrid brand of lactation was not drunk by the upper classes, who still enjoyed the luxury of cow's milk.  Anne was said to be livid about the whole affair.  Oh, and that awful behedding business was pretty unlucky too.

1775: Marie Antoinette wet herself in public while laughing at a beggar with a withered hand.

1784:  Pitt The Younger celebrated becoming Prime Minister with a plateful of his favourite jelly.  Unfortunately, there was a bone in it, which caused him to choke violently and totally ruined his vocal chords, giving him a prepubescent speaking voice for the rest of his life.

1797:  Napoleon was found stranded on his toilet after a mixup with the builders left his toilet roll holder on the wrong side.  As his hand as tucked into his shirt, Napoleon spent the whole of his Italian campaign stuck on the bog (although the history books don't mention it).

Yeah....

Given this evidence, it's no wonder that Friday the 13th is considered the worst day of the year, even worse than my annual bath.  If I were you, I'd stay indoors, don't eat anything, and for the love of God, don't go to the toilet.  Most accidents in the home happen on the toilet, or as I call it, the shitting death trap.  I hope that none of you die on this day, and I hope to see you all on the other side.

Deadline Day

It’s deadline day.  Your boss is riding you hard like a bush baby over some hot coals.  He wants that important, business critical report and he wants it by yesterday; last year in fact.  Even if you had a 25 hour day, there’s no chance that you’ll finish it because you’ve been too busy playing Angry Birds for the last 3 weeks.  What are you going to do?

Basically, you need a shit-hot excuse and you need it fast.  Well, you’re in the right place my friends because I am the king of last minute excuses.  Here is a list of excuses you can use to placate your boss and save yourself from a certain firing.

The most important tome in the universe

1.  A singularity spontaneously opened in the office, meaning that space-time has been disrupted and that you actually completed the report a week last Tuesday.  Due to this, time has skipped to a point before the report was due, meaning that your work was destroyed in the process, along with everyone’s memories of the event.  If you manage to weave this tale well, you can confuse your boss into thinking it has been done, and he’ll just go along with it anyway.

2.  Your secretary is an incompetent ass.  When your boss points out that you don’t have a secretary, point to the hamster you’ve bought in.  Bonus points if you can get it to fire off tiny raisin poos on demand, just to illustrate the point further.

3.  Your computer has been cursed by a gypsy.  You’ve been working on your laptop at home all week on this report, because you’re such a wonderful employee and you devote all of your free time to the company.  However, yesterday there was a strange ringing noise coming from the door, which was eerie since you don’t have a front door bell.  You opened the door to reveal a gypsy, who tried to sell you a whole range of shrunken heads, bat tears, and other black magic goods.  When you refused, the gypsy twirled her withered staff, putting a curse on you.  The curse means that you are physically unable to interact with the one thing you hold dearest to your heart (the report).  Whenever you open up the document, Windows crashes and a demon face appears on screen.  If you leave this demon face on screen, there’s a good chance that the demon will escape and bring about the end of days.  So the boss will need to ask himself; what’s more important?  His report, or billions of lives?

4.  Today is Groundhog Day.  If you complete the report, it will be incomplete tomorrow.  You might as well wait until Groundhog Day has passed before finishing it off.

Bill Murray never had to do some stupid report

5.  The Potato King has decreed that you don’t have to do the report anymore.  He has taken you on as a loyal subject, and your new duties include mashing all of The Potato King’s enemies.  When your boss asks you what you’re talking about, point to an exceptionally large King Edward potato with a crown on (this plan only works with a large King Edward.  People will think you’re crazy if you try and use salad potatoes).  Hold a potato masher menacingly to complete the illusion.

And there you have it, five top tips to get you out of trouble at work.  Or get you into more trouble, I forget what the original purpose of this post was.  Either way, I wish you all the success in the world with your report.

The Science Of The Parody Song

From Weird Al to…well…Weird Al, song parodies are a popular pastime for anyone weird who happens to also be called Al.  The man has created a staggering body of work and has made fun of some of the finest pop songs, from Beat It (Eat It), to Pretty Fly For White Guy (Pretty Fly For A Rabbi).

While these songs may seem like silly nonsense upon first listen, there is a very distinct science behind the creation of a parody song.  The rhymes have to conform to predetermined set of parameters in order to ensure cohesion.  In other words, there are staple words in every song that can be inserted.  As a man of science, with a demented psyche that always tries to think of alternative lyrics to any song I listen to, I have come up with a standard blueprint for any parody song.  These are easy rhyming words along with substitutions, and a few examples on how to use them.  You are welcome to add your own, or create entire songs using my parameters.

YOU -> POO

“You” is a common word that has no end of rhymes, but my favourite for parody purposes is to substitute it with the word “poo”.  This makes Phil Collins songs sound like a German sex den:

“When I’m feeling blue, all I have to do, is take a look at poo, then I’m not so blue”

Or we can go for a power ballad:

“And IIIIIIIIIIIII will always love poooooo!”

The possibilities for this substitution are endless, and always hilarious.  You can make your favourite pop singers sound like scat enthusiasts with minimum effort.

BABY -> GRAVY

To grasp the scope of this one, just think of how many songs there are out there that include the word “baby”.  This is the word of choice for any loved-up pop song.  With this simple switcharoo, you can turn any lovey-dovey ballad into a gastronomic groove.  We all know that food-based parody songs are the best.  Just take this popular Justin Beiber track:

“Gravy, gravy, gravy, ooh!”

Or perhaps a bit of Ace Of Base with their smash hit:

“All that she wants is a little gravy”

Or even a little bit of The Supremes:

“My gravy love, my gravy love”

There are more permutations here than a superhero ensemble.

PIE -> DIE

A lot of musicians are so passionate that they often threaten to die over trivial matters.  While we sometimes wish they would, it can actually provide some amusing song parodies.  Simply switch out “die” for “pie” and watch the whole meaning of the song change shape.  For example take this Bryan Adams song.  Combining this with the earlier YOU->POO switch, we can come up with something quite special:

“Yeah, I would fight for you, I'd lie for poo,
Walk the wire for you, yeah, I'd eat pie for poo.
You know it's true:
Everything I do, oh, I do it for poo.”

Don’t tell me that song parodies aren’t worth fighting for.  Anyway, I’ll hand the reigns over to you, my wonderful readers.  Can you suggest any?