Monday 17 December 2012

Bringing Exy Back

What do you get when you fall in love?  Chances are that you’ll burst your own bubble.  When you consider the amount of relationships that fail, it’s staggering that so many people do something monumentally stupid and utterly screw things up with the one they love.

That’s why I’ve decided to step in.  You’ve messed things up and that’s too bad, but I’m here to limit the damage and potentially reunite you with your significant other.  If you follow my advice, you are guaranteed to kick-start your relationship again, regardless of the heinous relationship blunders you have already committed.  They don’t call me Doctor Love simply because I changed my surname to “Love” and created a fake diploma.  Here’s what you need to do:

1)    Get blind drunk and leave a voicemail.  Because nothing in this world is more charming than a slurred, slightly aggressive declaration of love.  The token of your affection will find it adorable that you’ve physically and mentally crumbled since you broke up with them.  It’s that kind of dependence that makes them feel wanted.

2)    Send them a Sext.  Preferably with a naked photo attached to let them know exactly what they’re missing.  You might need to be drunk again to summon up the courage to do this.  And as we all know, when you’re drunk, you absolutely need a kebab or a pizza.  Don’t be ashamed to photograph yourself naked covered in donner meat, or with suggestively placed pepperoni on your nipples.  Better yet, perhaps you could order a pitta bread the size of a duvet, wrap yourself in it and declare yourself to be a “Love Kebab”.  This will make your lover hungry for more!

3)    If they still haven’t succumbed to your inebriated charms, you need to make them jealous.  Hire yourself a prostitute/escort and walk backwards and forwards past their house, laughing and joking loudly with each pass.  If you really want to play hardball, have sex in your ex’s garden.

4)    Aggressively defend your territory.  If you see your ex out on a date with someone else, you have a legal obligation to punch them square in the face.  You need to fight for your mating rights.  You should also stand guard at the end of their street and warn away any potential rivals.  Pee on a nearby post box to prove your dominance.

5)    You need to start making yourself more appealing to the opposite sex.  It’s time you started working out, shaved those hideous sideburns, squeezed into that size 8 dress, bronzed your pectorals, or sliced off those wobbly bits with a breadknife and no anaesthetic whilst screaming “I WILL BE PRETTY!”.  Just select the ones which apply to you.  If you think that all of these apply to you, you are one scary bastard.  I heartily encourage you to spend the rest of your days living as a hermit in a bell tower.

6)    What’s your name?  Boris Bland?  Mavis Dust?  Shelly Bulpasly?  That’s a horrible name. You need to get that shit changed, and fast.  Go down to your local registry office and get yourself a super sweet moniker like Connor Sexbuttocks or Sultry Bangabout.  With the sheer sexiness of such names, you’re guaranteed to have your ex back, tongue wagging, ready for that sweet relief that only you can provide.

7)    If all the above fails, there is one last resort.  You should get over your ex.  That’ll teach ‘em!

So, now that we’ve learned how to bring exy back, it’s time to get out there and put it to practice.  I’ve tried these on Meryl and I can safely say...oh god Meryl, why?  WHY?!  WE WERE SO GOOD TOGETHER!


18 comments:

  1. Beautiful, sound advice. If anyone is not married or pregnant or both after following that advice, they may be hopeless. Question, though, who am I punching in the face, my ex or the person he/she is on a date with? I want to make sure I get this right. Also, thank you for the name advice, I wondered why I wasn't making any money at the strip club using "Shelly Bulpalsy" .

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    1. You could punch yourself in the face and see how that works out. Be sure to film the results and put it on YouTube.

      Just joking, I wouldn't want anyone to physically injure themselves on account of Muppers For Justice. Mental anguish is fine though.

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  2. I have a friend who has done two, that is they've done two of these things to try and sort things out. They're currently working on number seven. It doesn't seem to be going too well though, which is a shame.

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    1. Did he turn himself into a love kebab? Oh please, tell me he made himself into a love kebab.

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  3. Definitely have a couple friends who I am sending your advice, before they have restraining orders placed on them! Great post and Happy Monday!

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    1. BEFORE they get restraining orders? Are you sure they won't get one after reading this?

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  4. Oh no, we don't chop off the sideburns. You let them grow into a wild, sexually charged mane. Then you tell her, "run your hands through them, woman. Just touch my glorious mutton chops." And then she is yours FOREVER.

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    1. "Chops" has to be one of the funniest words in the English language. "Touch my chops woman!"

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  5. I may or may not be a repeat offender of tip number 1. There's a reason I don't drink much these days..

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    1. Yes, I think we've all been guilty of number 1 at some point. Except eunachs. They've got their love live sorted out right.

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  6. You, my friend, are the king of good usable advice. Although my wife is a little upset I've taken to wooing ex-girlfriends.

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    1. Why? What's wrong with trying to better yourself? She's holding you back.

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  7. I'll try this on the next one, for the previous ones are all unreachable. Thanks for these hilarious tips!

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    1. No problem. How are you so sure that you're going to get another ex?

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    2. My sureness depends on certain probabilities that I've deduced. I've got a 10 to 1 chance at finding another woman. Then there's a 1 to 1 likelihood that she will not be able to handle me and leave.

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  8. I just broke into my ex's house and took a picture of myself naked next to her bed whilst she slumbered. I'll send her the masterpiece in the AM. Thanks for the free dvice, Addman! Oh please, oh please let this work! *crosses fingers*

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    1. This definitely needs to happen. Let me know how it goes.

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  9. Sorry Addman I was naughty and did not comment on your witty as even post, but it is a subject on which I know very little, in the old days I seldom got to the Ex point I usually got to the "hay he's weird" stage first....... but that was many moons ago.

    I have called by to say HAPPY CHRISTMAS and have a good New Year........ Keep on Blogging

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