There are many jobs that I think I would be perfect
for. For example, I believe I could make
a successful career for myself in the field of bed-testing. Considering the ease of which I can remain
prone on a mattress, I don’t think there’s a person in the universe more suited
to this particular vocation, and I would happily fight anyone who says
otherwise. After I’ve finished my nap,
of course.
Another job I think I’d be great at is zoology. I mean, zoologists get to watch animals being
awesome in enclosures all day, then get to write about it. I reckon I’ve seen enough nature
documentaries to overcome the required biological knowledge for the job. I know that animals are chock full of meat,
and they need to eat and poo at least once a month. That is entry level zoology right there.
Is there anything better than being a zoologist? Actually, yes there is. There’s a job out there that combines the
amazing aspects of zoology with a touch of imagination and creativeness. That job is cryptozoology
 |
| These footprints were probably made by some sort of snake |
Cryptozoology is a fancy word to describe someone who
likes imaginary animals. These are the
type of people who get to go on a 6 month expenses paid camping holiday to try
and catch a sight of Bigfoot. If you’re
even luckier, you might be sent to discover some sort of shape shifting reptile
that some country bumpkin thought he saw after an evening of moonshine and
unprotected sex with his sister. The
Judgement Lizard is known only to appear in rural areas, peering through
people’s windows when acts of incest are about to occur, and generally doing a
great service to the community. It is my
intention to prove that the Judgement Lizard exists; I saw him shortly before I
lost my virginity.
One aspect of cryptozoology does puzzle me, though. Where does the money come from? Are they university funded, or are they self
employed? As I’ve never seen a job
opening for a cryptozoologist in the job section of my local paper, I’ve come
to the conclusion that they are privately funded, or that so many people want
this amazing job, that new positions don’t crop up very often.
I imagine that being a cryptozoologist is rather
easy. You could spend weeks dicking
around in the forest, then come back and say you saw some suspicious tracks, or
heard a mating call in the distance that you’ve not heard before. While you have nothing concrete, you are
convinced that there’s something in those woods, and you’ll need to come back
and investigate again with more supplies, more beer, and more prostitutes in
tow.
So, if I ever get fired for daydreaming about imaginary
animals at work, at least I have a backup vocation. What awesome jobs would you folks like to
move into?
