My Destiny

Things have been pretty hectic in the Addman homestead as of late.  Like other billions of moronic fools out there, I made an almost impossible New Year’s Resolution back in January, and I’ve realised that I have less than 6 months to achieve it.  That goal is to “Fulfil My Destiny”.

As with the majority of things in life, fulfilling one’s destiny is far easier said than done.  Frankly, I didn’t know where to start with such a task.  I’m sure that all humans have a destiny, but how do you discern it?  And once you’ve done that, what if you’re not up to the task?  I mean, my destiny may have been to make sweet love to Theresa May while blacked up, but the practicalities of achieving this are quite staggering.

If the stories are to be believed, fulfilling one’s destiny always requires some sort of journey.  Taking this as my starting point, I filled a backpack with the bare essentials (Slinky, Nintendo DS, backup slinky, pogo stick, emergency slinky, Diablo, rainbow slinky, plastic dog turd, etc.) and set out on my ambitious personal quest.

Everyone loves a slinky

I made it as far as the bus stop before I ran into my first problem.  Several people tried to get on the bus before me.  They didn’t understand that I was on a quest to fulfil my destiny, so I pushed them out of the way, toppled two toddlers, shattered an elderly woman’s pelvis, and slammed my cash down in the bus driver’s tray.  The driver refused to let me on for line cutting.  Apparently I had to be “courteous” to other passengers.  This was just wasting my time, time that could be spent fulfilling my destiny.  I explained this calmly and rationally to the bus driver as I tore his ears off and spoke softly into them.  He toppled over in agony, and it was clear that he wasn’t going to drive me to my destiny.  Frankly, I found him to be a rather rude individual, so I decided to continue my adventure on foot.

I walked for several days.  I walked over abandoned aqueducts, through untouched fields, and through the Aldi car park where my friend got bummed in a bottlebank.  Eventually, I came across a thick, dusky forest.  This seemed like an ideal location to find my true calling.  Despite the trees apparent whispering of “kill, KILL”, I entered the forest without a moment’s hesitation. 

Whittling a sharp stick as I walked, I whistled a ditty to try and drown out the whistling and followed my instincts deeper into the fauna labyrinth.  Without warning, a rabbit ran across my path, stopping in the centre to groom its cutesy bunny whiskers.  Perhaps this was a test.  Perhaps my destiny was to become the greatest woodsman alive.  I threw my pointy stick, but it narrowly missed its target as the rabbit bounded away down the path.  I gave chase, picking up my stick on the way, determined not to let this bunny live.  It weaved and bounced through logs and shrubbery, leaving the path behind, but I wasn’t deterred.  I was possessed, like a man who really wanted to kill a rabbit for no discernable reason.

Eventually, we ran out into a clearing.  I raised my arm to throw my makeshift spear, but I noticed something which stopped me in my tracks.  The forest clearing was rife with sickeningly sweet critters.  From fauns to frogs.  From rabbit to rodents.  All had gathered to bear witness to a majestic multi-horned deer, glistening in the centre of the clearing.  It raised its hoof onto an upturned log, then howled in a sweet deer-like fashion.  As I stood astounded, the log began to sprout leaves along its long deceased bark, sprouted new branches, and rooted itself back into the ground.  This deer was healing the forest.  Perhaps it was the forest guardian, responsible for every living thing, keeping the delicate balance in order.  I was stunned by this wondrous event, and all at once, knew what my destiny was.

The forest guardian.  Posh venison.

As I left the forest, I turned to look back at the towering inferno I’d caused.  As the woods were razed to the ground, I felt a sense of satisfaction spread over me.  The forest guardian turned out to be no match for man’s great fire, as I tucked into my chargrilled venison, enjoying the juices as they ran down my chin.  I surveyed the carnage and realised that this would be a great site for a new housing estate.  And thus, the seeds were planted and my destiny fulfilled.  I was to become the founder of Barratts.  We have brilliant houses at affordable prices!  Book a viewing today!