Friday 13 December 2013

Unlucky For Some

The late and great Rebecca Black (RIP) once sang those immortal words that resonate with all school kids and bored office workers alike; "Friday, Friday, can't wait 'til Friday".  Whilst that is normally a universal truth, this particular Friday is one that you shouldn't be looking forward to. For this Friday is the unluckiest of days, the dreaded 13th.

But why is the 13th considered so unlucky?  Well, it all dates back to the Viking invasion, when Throngar The Mighty, after delivering a rousing battle speech, accidentally put on a novelty helmet that had the horns on the inside.  As such, the battle was lost that day.  And what was that fateful day?  Why Friday the 13th of course.

But surely the myth hasn't sprung up around some foolish event that happened hundreds of years ago.  As it happens, there are tons of historic mishaps that have occurred on this date.  Here are a few examples:

51 BC: Caesar's thumb fell off after an unexpected bout of gangreen. This meant that many enemies of the state were unable to be killed after returning triumphant from the gladiator pit.

Ever wonder why statues of Caesar never show his hands?


1536:  Anne Boleyn had a traumatic day when one of her servants unwittingly put dog's milk in her tea.  Due to a shortage of cows, dogs were conscripted to provide dairy produce to the masses, but this putrid brand of lactation was not drunk by the upper classes, who still enjoyed the luxury of cow's milk.  Anne was said to be livid about the whole affair.  Oh, and that awful behedding business was pretty unlucky too.

1775: Marie Antoinette wet herself in public while laughing at a beggar with a withered hand.

1784:  Pitt The Younger celebrated becoming Prime Minister with a plateful of his favourite jelly.  Unfortunately, there was a bone in it, which caused him to choke violently and totally ruined his vocal chords, giving him a prepubescent speaking voice for the rest of his life.

1797:  Napoleon was found stranded on his toilet after a mixup with the builders left his toilet roll holder on the wrong side.  As his hand as tucked into his shirt, Napoleon spent the whole of his Italian campaign stuck on the bog (although the history books don't mention it).

Yeah....


Given this evidence, it's no wonder that Friday the 13th is considered the worst day of the year, even worse than my annual bath.  If I were you, I'd stay indoors, don't eat anything, and for the love of God, don't go to the toilet.  Most accidents in the home happen on the toilet, or as I call it, the shitting death trap.  I hope that none of you die on this day, and I hope to see you all on the other side.

16 comments:

  1. Yeah, that "awful beheading business was pretty unlucky too." Never have I laughed harder at decapitation. You're absolutely right about the toilet. Look what happened to Elvis. I'll be sleeping the day away, thank you.

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    1. But lots of people die in their sleep! There's no escape!

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  2. I had one of those novelty viking helmets. It was fun sized so I decided to use it as a condom. Never again.

    I actually can't anymore.

    I think if you did look at history there probably was some bad stuff going down on Friday 13th. I do now find myself wondering how it all started. Until I get an answer, I'm going to say it was Vikings.

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    1. I blame the Vikings for everythings, especially when I'm feeling ill.

      Linguistic joke there. You see, words that end with "ill" are generally old Viking words, like "skill" and "kill". So if you didn't laugh, at least you learned something.

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  3. I hate to break it to people, but Vikings never wore helmets with horns on them. Just like there are no recorded instances of pirates forcing victims to walk the plank.

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    1. Ooops, better go and delete my entire post then. Thanks a lot!

      :p

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  4. I wasn't aware that it was Friday the 13th until the end of this post. I almost got through the day without any bad luck, but now every mishap from here on out will be attributed to this horrific day. Ah, I just dropped my pen! Damn this Friday the 13th!

    And, is that why Caesar always looks so emo? He longed to fill the colosseum with a scarlett lagoon of blood but lost the authority to do so.

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    1. Can you imagine life without thumbs? It really messes up your Fonz impersonation.

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  5. I'm trying to picture this withered hand. Are we talking just small and flopper or something that looks like it's rotted? x

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    1. Think of Jeremy Beadle wearing a rubber glove.

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  6. Well Mr Addman it is done the Interview is live and out there where folk can read the truth . . . . . .. I dont have a clue what I do now except run about a bit and chase crows and seagulls . . . . . . Feel free to respond to any comments. I have a couple of rather manic days ahead of me but I will try to do my bit ........................

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    1. Awesome, thanks very much! I've put a link to the interview on my latest post, so hopefully a few people will nip over and read it. I'll keep an eye on it and see what's happening.

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  7. At least this friday the 13th was near the holidays! That means its evil and festive!

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    1. Like every capitalist christmas! Hahaha, I mean ho ho ho.

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