Get Twitter Singing

I've always wanted to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony.  Failing that, I'll teach the world to spit filthy rap lyrics while they bounce through a car wash on hydraulics.  It's a simple dream of mine, to bring music to the masses without having an ounce of musical talent myself.  That's why I started ripping off song lyrics and posting them on Twitter.

Using my Twitter alias, Ollie The Pigeon, I have begun spitting phat rhymes into the Internet ether.  Hopefully it will catch on and we'll all sit around campfires singing these songs.  Perhaps we'll have peace on Earth someday and I can claim full responsibility for it.

Here's to you Mrs Doubtfire, Jesus hates the sinful way you dress.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 15, 2014

Last night a DJ saved my life with his schlong.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 28, 2014

Dance then wherever you may be, I am the lord of Dance Dance Revolution said he.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 10, 2014

Take me down to the Vatican City where the grass is green and the girls are marginalised in the name of Christ for the last 2000 years.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) April 27, 2014

I wanna know what love is. Oh, so it's an overwhelming feeling of affection for another person? Thanks for clearing that up.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 29, 2014

Relight my fire, your calor gas is my only desire.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 21, 2014

"Who's that girl running around with you?" Jessica Ennis.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 16, 2014

Skinny jeans are not my lover, they're just some clothes that won't pull up over my knees.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 4, 2014

Bye bye Miss Melton Mowbry pie, drove my rover down to Dover for some cheapo French wine.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 15, 2014

Don't want to be an American idiot. Luckily I'm British.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 21, 2014

Not technically a song, but a job opportunity for Snoop Dog/Lion/Bobcat:

Crowdfunding: please back my campaign to make the gangster WWII film, Fo' Shizzler's List.
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 24, 2014

And this is one is more of a confession:

#ShamefulSecrets there was a once a time when I thought Missy Elliott was encouraging folks to "Get Your Free Corn"
— Ollie The Pigeon (@Olliethepigeon) May 9, 2014

Please join my movement by following me on Twitter:

@Olliethepigeon

 The results of the 400th post contest will be posted on Monday.

Representin'

When sucker MC's try and chump my style, I let 'em know that I'm versatile. You see, I'm a straight up G who's all febreezey on your grill, so I know what hood life is like. Even though I got out of the game, I always remember to give something back to my homies by representing all the gangsters all across the world, in a court of law.

Fo' shizzle. I'm Lil Grizzle, attorney at law, and I'm here to tell you who the best criminal lawyer is. You might thinking it's that hombre Saul Goodman, but it ain't. Are you ready for this? It's me! I was so shocked I asked for a recount, but it came back as me again. And you can take that to the bank!

You been busted by a cop for a drive-by shooting that wasn't your fault? Call now! I'll use my street smarts to make the prosecuting lawyer leave town. For a few extra benjamins, I can persuade some cats in the jury to be sympathetic to your ass. A court of law ain't no different to a turf war.

The scales of justice, homie

 You been extorting some cat who turns out to be the Prime Minister's son? They got your DNA and prints all over that shit like a scat fetishist's lair in a tornado? I can make it all go away, because I gots connections. Connections that were once clients who owe me favours. Then I'll do the same for them once they get busted. The circle of streetlife continues.

You see, I know all about the legal system. I read up on laws and shit, and lemme tell you, there's some whack-ass stuff in those law books. Did you know that you're legally allowed to shoot a Welshman if he's within the city walls after midnight? It's an ancient law that was never repealed. Well I know tons of loopholes like that, so I can get you off scott free. (I do ask though that, if you absolutely, positively have to ice a dude, make sure he's Welsh and it's after midnight. It'll make my life a lot easier.TIA)

Drug charges ain't nuttin' but an easy peasy thang. I'll just find some backwoods corner of the globe where those drugs are legal, then fake your birth certificate. Not only do most of my clients avoid an inside stretch, but they also get a free holiday/deportation to said country of origin. No need to thank me.

Sound good? Of course it does, fool! All you gotta do is dial 0800-LIL-GRIZZLE, that's 0800-LIL-GRIZZLE. I operate on a no-win, large-fee basis. Catch you in the dock, suckaaazzzzz!

398th Post Spectacular

Muppets For Justice has reached another important milestone.  As we approach the illustrious achievement of 400 posts and set a new record for “Longest Running Blog Despite Numerous Government Attempts To Shut It Down”, now seems like the perfect time to begin our celebrations.

Since the last important milestone we’ve covered a unique and frankly inexplicable array of subject matters.  We have explored the phenomenon of garrotting in Victorian England, pitched some films , and campaigned against the right-wing oppression of the Disney Corporation.

Our fascination with celebrities has grown deeper and darker.  We’ve stalked 1Direction heartthrob Harry Styles , written a song for Engelbert Humperdinck, and taught aliens the joys of celebrity gossip .  Let’s hope this insidious trend continues in the future.

Obnoxious enough for you?

Looking back 100 posts ago, on my 300th post celebration I wrote a collaborative story.  Everyone contributed a sentence that I had to weave into a story, which proved to be so fun that I’ve decided to do it again.  That’s right, I want you to submit some more sentences for me to use in a new story.  Don’t be afraid to hold back.  Some of the submissions were utterly ludicrous last time, which is exactly what I’m after.

So, all I need from you is come up with the most ridiculous sentence you can muster and leave it in the comments.  Please write your submission between hash tags like so:

#Then Jimmy high-fived himself through the interdimesional portal, and all life on Earth was immediately restored.#

Please note that the deadline for submissions is the 27^th.  Any sentences submitted after that time will not be included.

I look forward to seeing what you come up with.

Metal Dad

Dearest offspring,

Undeath upon thee, young one.  Life on tour continues to separate us, but let it be known that through the black arts, as I lap at the blackest drainings from the sepulcher of Hades, I feel closer to you despite our physical distance.  I am putting my punctured, bloodied finger to parchment to inform you how much my maggot-infested heart longs to return the doomed orifice that is our dwelling.

My service to the band Vengeance Lust is long and arduous, but the rhythmic thumping as I hammer the skins every night is sure to appease the dark lord and keep our realm safe from his nihilistic ambitions.  Rocking out for the Blood God Rhazghul is more of a dark duty than a career.  Once my bones grow weary and crumble to dust, it is my hope that you, my progeny, shall inherit my legacy.  Until then I will crash these symbols until the very foundations of hell begin to shake.

CAN I PLAY WITH CRAYONS?!

You’ll surely be interested in the unearthly events that have plagued our black chariot (tour bus).  Well, Dave “Batfingerzzz” French moved heaven and earth with his righteous fury after losing a piece of jewellery inside a groupie.  It was the ring with the fossilised scorpion in amber.  When it degrades inside the unfortunate harlot, I imagine the festering decay will cause another black death across the western world.  At least, that’s what I’m hoping for.  

Also, Johnny “Pestilence” Horowicz opened his jugular on stage over a crowd of screaming fans.  He bathed them with the crimson spew of his lifeforce, encouraging them to ingest him as he performed a riotous solo during a metal cover “Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear?”  The fans left that gig with a souvenir that money cannot buy, and several blood diseases that money cannot treat.

Kyle “Firepisser” Jones spent the whole of last night trying to stick wings to centipedes.  He intends to release them during the pyrotechnics finale we are concocting.  I remain unconvinced that they will take flight and bring forth the rapture as he intends.

As for me, I have discovered the dark, dreadful delights of drinking from a goblet.  I refuse to consume any liquids that are not presented to me in a goblet, but conversely, I am eager to slurp down anything placed in a chalice of some description.  When the firey orb of daylight secedes into the horizon, my brothers of decay will often compete to fill my drinking chalice with the most foul things imaginable.  I have consumed little other than diarrhea, liquidised locust larvae, and Pot Noodles for the last seven evenings.  The others may find this amusing, but I am biding my sweet, dark time until the vapours within coalesce into the great Maggot Lord, Nurglesh, and he unleashes a noxious cloud of decay upon their mortal forms.  Then I shall devour their souls and use their absorbed shadow powers to reign down a new Armageddon, rending flesh from bone on an unprecedented scale.  Then I’ll have a cup of tea.

Regardless, I shall soon return to the homestead after next week’s show in the forsaken lands of Milton Keynes.   Wait for me my child.  Soon you shall receive me once more, and I’ll finally have the opportunity to give you that "My daddy rocks" babygrow.  Until then, don’t die.

Shark Life

Here's a little ditty to celebrate our brave and fearless lifeguards.  The original song can be heard here:

Confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur of what is known as (sharklife)
A morning bloodbath can be avoided if you wear a suit made of chain mail for what is known as (sharklife)
John's got intimidated while trying to feed the swordfish they love a bit of it (sharklife)
Who's that rowing out too far? You should try jumping in there mate, get some exercise!

[Chorus]
ALL THE LIFEGUARDS
SO MANY LIFEGUARDS
THEY ALL GO HAND IN HAND
HAND IN HAND THROUGH THEIR SHARKLIFE

I get up when I want except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awakened by a shark warning
(sharklife)
I put my speedos on, have a cup of tea and I think about leaving the beach house (sharklife)
I feed the Great Whites I sometimes feed the Hammerheads too it gives me a sense of enormous well
Being (sharklife)
And then I'm happy for the rest of the day safe in the knowledge they are far too full to try and kill me (sharklife)

[Chorus]
ALL THE LIFEGUARDS
SO MANY LIFEGUARDS
THEY ALL GO HAND IN HAND
HAND IN HAND THROUGH THEIR SHARKLIFE

It's got nothing to do with your great sailing technique you know
And it's not about you waterskiers who go round and round and round
Sharklife (sharklife)

Mystic Mike’s Ghoulish Goodies

Greetings, fellow believer.  I am Mystic Mike, but of course, you already knew that because I planted an image of myself in your mind.  Such is my power.  However, I am not here to impress you with mere parlor tricks.  No, my agenda has far more urgency.

No doubt you’ve heard the old adage “I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghost”.  You’ve probably even sung those words with enthusiasm during a long car journey and bonded with a new lover over your shared lyrical memory.  But are you really ‘fraid of no ghosts?  I doubt it.  Most people are bone-twattingly terrified of ghosts.  Imagine a ghost fondling your spaghetti meatballs while you’re trying to eat!  Scary, isn’t it?  Well, you need not be not ‘fraid of no ghosts anymore with my fabulous range of spirit-snaring gadgets.

Take my patented EMF meter.  This gizmo will detect spiritual activity from centimetres away!  Ignore the fact that all electronic devices give off some kind of electromagnetic force; this thing is actually detecting real live ghosts!  Available in white, off-white, beige, and whatever colour that is above.

How about a spook defuser?  This may look slightly like a Glade plugin, but is actually filled with anti-ectoplasm that will destroy any spirits that are infesting your house.  The electroparticles break down the midichlorians that spectres are made of, banishing them to the spectral plane and allowing them to cross over peacefully.  This is a humane spook defuser and is guaranteed not to kill ghosts.  Imagine how impressed your girlfriend will be when you declare her house to be teeming with poltergeists, and suggest that the two of you spend a dirty weekend at a hotel while the defuser does its work. You’ll be a hero, and she will surely reward you like one.

If you are a serious ghost hunter, you’re definitely going to need a Spirit Trap.  This trap will suck up ghosts and imprison them within the confines a dustbag secure ghost-proof container.  You can then display these containers as trophies on your mantelpiece, and use them to impress a sultry lady with your undead-busting prowess.

Check out this Astrological Looking Glass.  Simply look at a girl through this sensual prism, and you will be able to tell her star sign from her aura.  A red aura means she is a fiery Scorpio.  Blue, a lusty Sagittarius.  Brown means she’s hungry and would like a biscuit.   She will most certainly be impressed by your intimate knowledge of her spiritual wants and desires. 

Every budding psychic is going to need his own Brainwave Amplifier.  This snazzy helmet can extend your psychic reach through intense electomagnification, meaning that you can read everyone’s thoughts within a hundred metre radius.  With significant training, you can use this device to manipulate people, mainly women, into thinking that you are an attractive dating prospect.  It has Magic Mike’s guarantee!  (ATTENTION:  Do not use the Brainwave Amplifier in large crowds, house parties, or Tool concerts)

If you would like to purchase any of these items, please leave a comment in the box below and I will send you the necessary forms.  Thank you for your time and I’ll see you on the dark side.