When sucker MC's try and chump my style, I let 'em know that
I'm versatile. You see, I'm a straight up G who's all febreezey on your grill,
so I know what hood life is like. Even though I got out of the game, I always
remember to give something back to my homies by representing all the gangsters
all across the world, in a court of law.
Fo' shizzle. I'm Lil Grizzle, attorney at law, and I'm here
to tell you who the best criminal lawyer is. You might thinking it's that
hombre Saul Goodman, but it ain't. Are you ready for this? It's me! I was so
shocked I asked for a recount, but it came back as me again. And you can take that
to the bank!
You been busted by a cop for a drive-by shooting that wasn't
your fault? Call now! I'll use my street smarts to make the prosecuting lawyer
leave town. For a few extra benjamins, I can persuade some cats in the jury to
be sympathetic to your ass. A court of law ain't no different to a turf war.
 |
| The scales of justice, homie |
You been extorting some cat who turns out to be the Prime
Minister's son? They got your DNA and prints all over that shit like a scat
fetishist's lair in a tornado? I can make it all go away, because I gots
connections. Connections that were once clients who owe me favours. Then I'll
do the same for them once they get busted. The circle of streetlife continues.
You see, I know all about the legal system. I read up on
laws and shit, and lemme tell you, there's some whack-ass stuff in those law
books. Did you know that you're legally allowed to shoot a Welshman if he's
within the city walls after midnight? It's an ancient law that was never
repealed. Well I know tons of loopholes like that, so I can get you off scott
free. (I do ask though that, if you absolutely, positively have to ice a dude,
make sure he's Welsh and it's after midnight. It'll make my life a lot
easier.TIA)
Drug charges ain't nuttin' but an easy peasy thang. I'll
just find some backwoods corner of the globe where those drugs are legal, then
fake your birth certificate. Not only do most of my clients avoid an inside
stretch, but they also get a free holiday/deportation to said country of
origin. No need to thank me.
Sound good? Of course it does, fool! All you gotta do is
dial 0800-LIL-GRIZZLE, that's 0800-LIL-GRIZZLE. I operate on a no-win,
large-fee basis. Catch you in the dock, suckaaazzzzz!
If I ever found myself in need of legal representation I would totally choose Lil Grizzle. I could do anything and get away with it. Especially if it's icing a Welshman in the right circumstances. Sometimes I get tempted to follow one of those crazy backwater laws. A lot of them still exist, even with the knowledge of them being out there. Gotta love the legal system.
ReplyDeleteIn reality there is probably a counterlaw that would contradict the old law, thus meaning that you could be prosecuted anyway.
DeleteThis is my way of trying to convince you not to shoot a Welshman.
I killed a Welshman after midnight and I got 15 years in a maximum security prison. American laws is whack, yo.
ReplyDeleteWas he really Welsh though? Did he say "Boyo"? Did he describe everything as "lush"? If you answered no, you're on shaky legal ground.
DeleteOh shit, son! I'ze be facing a bicentennial for straight up capping a fool who was frontin then raping his corpse. I needs me a G to represent me. But I'ze also aint got no skrilla, ya feel me? Y'all into some pro-bono shit up in this piece?
ReplyDeleteWhat the hell is that supposed to mean? Yo!
Delete"all over that shit like a scat fetishist's lair in a tornado," may just be the greatest singular analogy, written by a cookie eating monster.
ReplyDeleteConsidering that cookie-eating monsters do nothing but come up with weird, poo-based analogies, that is a fantastic compliment, Thank you!
DeleteI like your words here, but there's almost no way to satirize lawyers. No matter how over-the-top you think you're getting, some lawyer has already gotten there before you:
ReplyDeletehttp://youtu.be/5KfACTAOPa0
That dude is a real lawyer.
Yes you're right. It's like trying to satirize the news in a post Chris Morris era.
DeleteYo, err-uh... homie! I work in the industrial park in the West Side... yo. I was wondering whether you act as a prosecuting attorney as well. You see, I went to a, uh, hood-ass Dunkin' Donuts to order a hot coffee, but the rapscallion behind the desk gave me an iced coffee. Yo, I be iced I tellin' ya. Is there any way you might be able to get me some compensation?
ReplyDeleteI could perhaps win you some more donuts.
DeleteI read that in my gangster rap voice. Well in my head i did and I did the bit with the hand. . . .that sort of pointing at the ground thing like a worm has got in the way and you are trying to get the cat to move it . . . . . . YO. No S*********
ReplyDeleteYou obviously know all the moves. I always knew you were a rapper.
DeleteI rapped that in my head in Kevin G from Mean Girls' voice. I'm so hiring you when I get myself in trouble with DA MAN xx
ReplyDeleteWhich you inevitably will, you scoundrel!
Delete