Friday, 17 February 2012

Chat Up Lines

So, how was Valentine’s Day for you? No doubt you screwed up your relationships beyond repair by baking your other half a pie made from your own hair, or something equally creepy. I told you not to make hair pie again! Nobody likes it!

Anyway, now that you’re a certified bachelor/bachelorette, you’re going to need to get back in the game again. No one wants to be left on the scrapheap. As the dating game can be like a warzone, you need to make sure that you’re combat ready, armed with an arsenal of chat up lines that would make Johnny Bravo look like an amateur.

Please find below a list of the world's most irresistable chat up lines.  These are guaranteed to work, and they have all been tested on animals to ensure their quality. Ladies, feel free to use these too. Men are notoriously shallow and stupid so you probably don’t need them, but it always helps to be prepared:

Here's a vague image of a heart, which illustrates my point succinctly

• You must be a parking ticket, because you’re expensive and often found spread over the front of cars.

• Did it hurt? When they threw you out of heaven for being drunk and disorderly.

• You must be tired because you’ve been running from the police all day.

• I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed into a rocking chair. As a carpenter, I can do these things.

• If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would be dyslexic.

• If I said you had a beautiful body, would you even believe me?

• That’s a nice dress/shirt. It’d look great in my bedroom wardrobe.

• What brings a guy/girl like you to a penis/vagina like mine?

• Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend [No] Want one? [Yes] Then try They have thousands of suitable matches just waiting for you.

• Do you have a map? Because I have a very poor sense of direction and I can’t afford a GPS.

• What’s your sign? Mine is “Danger. Keep Out”

• You must be a thief, because you stole my heart and sold it on the black market to an illegal organ dealer.

• Your eyes are amazing. On the Dulux colour chart they would be “Muddy Skink”.

I think that’s enough for now.  If I were to write down any more, the overwhelming concentration of sexual energy would actually kill Peter Stringfellow.  For the sake of his life I implore you, go out there and get laid, pronto!  Either that, or you can contribute your own chat up lines in the comments box below.


  1. -Your lips are as plump and juicy as Limax maximus, or more commonly known as the spotted garden slug.

    -You make the hair on my neck stand up due to the physical stress response present in all humans.

    There are a few of my attempts at being suave and charming.
    Hilarious post as usual!

  2. Try a couple of these too:

    "Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?"
    "Hmmm, so you're a girl huh?"
    "If you were a booger, I'd pick you first. Then twist and turn and flick you."

    Bwahahaha ... just love your posts. Need I say more?

  3. I've been married for 22 years, the Hubby's idea of a chat up line is "roll over"

  4. 'Danger,Keep out!' I have those exact words tattooed near my 'Lady Garden'... OK... now understanding the reason why I'm still single.

  5. @chiz - I may not know much about women, but comparing them to slugs seems like a great way to go.

    @dopdavid - cheers dude

    @psycho- yes. You could say some more chat up lines. The booger one is great.

    @anne - you need to spice things up. Rub paprika in his eyes whilst he sleeps. When he wakes up, there'll be passion in his eyes.

    @lily - better than having "all workers must wear a helmet" tattooed there.

  6. How about, "if i could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I as far apart as possible."


    "wow.... you taste like my mum."

  7. "If you were a clocktower and I was a loner with a high powered rifle, I'd sit inside you and shoot stuff."

  8. Hilarious post! Visiting from the A to Z Challenge sign up list-- nice to meet you :)

  9. I have been married for a long time. A long time. Loooonnggg. A really really long time. So long. Holy crap it's been like forever, but I was quite the lady killer back in my day.
    And after I got out of prison I tried dating without murder, and discovered pick up lines work much better on live women.

  10. Just kidding... my pick up lines weren't any more effective.

  11. @Bumferry - You can laugh, but my mum does taste great. Cinnamon flavour...

    @Ash-Matic - Sexy serial killings, I like it!

    @Karen - Thanks. Nice to meet you too.

    @Flip - Do you find pick up lines still work when in a long term relationship?


Leave me a nice comment or die trying.