Sony Conference 2013

Last week, the world’s most rapidly shrinking company held a press conference to announce their new, next gen console.  The Playstation 4 was unveiled to great fanfare; a two and a half hour lecture about dreams, content, clouds, and other miscellaneous wistful vocabulary.  But what did any of it mean?  I decided to summarise it for you so you don’t have to sit through a lengthy conference that those poor games journos were subjected to.  I mean, they were paid to sit and listen to a man talk about a medium they are interested in.  That’s hell on Earth right there!

Anyway, let’s take a look at the main points raised by this press conference:

Playstation 4 Has A New Controller

Look at this thing!  It has a blue light on it!  That’s awesome.  It also has a “Share” button.  The functions for this are almost endless, but the main use is for your mum to come in and press it, forcing you to let your sister have a go on Spyro The Dragon.

Also:  Nicer triggers and thumbsticks

It Will Play Some Games

Sony showed off a couple of games.  A shooty game, a driving game, and a shitty game.  Specifically Killzone: Shadowfall, Driveclub and Knack respectively.  This confirms that Sony’s machine will in fact play games and not the unfathomably abstract, social applications of your dreams.

Other People Can Watch You Game

Using the “Share” button on the controller, you can send people screenshots and videos of your gaming exploits.  You can invite people to watch your game session, offer advice, or even to take control of your character and make him leap straight into a pit of snakes.  Also, with the Playstation Eye peripheral, people can watch you masturbating in your living room while your dog glances at you quizzically.

The PS4 Has And Hasn’t Got Backwards Compatibility

People have been speculating for weeks and months as to whether the PS4 will be backwards compatible with older games.  Well, Sony shocked the gaming world by confirming that the PS4 simultaneously will and won’t support the full library of old Playstation titles.  You can’t pop a PS1, 2 or 3 disk in and expect it to run.  However, you can stream old games online.  But you probably have to pay for it or rebuy your old games.  But hey, you can stream them!


It Is Good At Rendering Old People

Are you sick and tired of playing young whipper-snappers in games?  Are you bored by controlling lithe, athletic men who are able to leap around and shoot guns?  Well, the Playstation 4 is just the thing you need in your life.  It can simulate the aging process accurately by depicting every winkle and crease with a cellulite-ridden avatar of you.  Age has never looked so good!  In fact, the console is rumoured to have a feature where it will go into “sleep mode” in the middle of a game, giving you chance to nap.

A man shows off a man's face at the Sony Conference

It Has A Typical PC Architecture

Some hardware specifics were revealed which put the PS4 in line with current high spec PCs.  It has an AMD x86 processor, which doesn’t mean a great deal unless you jack off over hardware specs until your gigahertz.  To games developers it does mean a great deal, as the PS3’s Cell processor was rather aptly like a locked door without a key, making it difficult to program for.  Although this doesn’t promise better games, it does offer hope that Playstation ports of games won’t be hideous.

Dreams

I lost track of the conference at some points, but I’m sure he spoke about dreams at some point.  I suspect that you’ll be able to upload your dreams somehow and have other people comment on them.  “LOL soggy mattress fail”.



As I'm sure you'll agree, the PS4 will usher in a new era of stuff and things.