Anyway, while we all dream on a regular basis, we don't tend to realise that our dreams are actually manifestations of our subconcious, and they can tell us plenty about our own psychological make-up. That's why Dream Interpretors are becoming big business. The more dreams are had, the more people want to know what they mean. After a crash course in dream interpreting (I dreamed the whole course), I feel suitably prepared to give people a firm imaginary diagnosis. Call me Dr. Strangedreams, but not on any postal cheques you care to send me. Call me Margret Montague on those.
Gemma Driveway – Toe Polisher
Dear Addman,
I had a dream that I was being chased by a crocodile. What the fuck?
Dear Gemma,
Crocodiles are ferocious animals that will clamp down on your arm with a legion of razor sharp teeth, and death roll you into the drink. However, a dream crocodile is usually a representation of a person that we know in real life. Most people will dream of a person they know who turns into a crocodile, like some kind of were-croc. The croc in your dream most likely represents someone in your daily life who terrifies you on some level. Perhaps it is a rather imposing boss or work colleague. Maybe you feel intimidated by the actions of a friend. Or perhaps you're just really scared of crocodiles.
Either way, these dreams are going to get more and more intense. I've observed many people who have been driven insane by crocodiles in their dreams. To avoid this situation, you need to stop falling asleep right away. Irreprable damage to your psyche may occur if you so much as go for another snooze. If you're having trouble staying awake, I recommend Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).
Either way, these dreams are going to get more and more intense. I've observed many people who have been driven insane by crocodiles in their dreams. To avoid this situation, you need to stop falling asleep right away. Irreprable damage to your psyche may occur if you so much as go for another snooze. If you're having trouble staying awake, I recommend Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).
Alaister Drew – Shelf Mopper
Dear Addman,
Last week I had a vivid dream that my wife left. I woke up and I was so convinced she'd gone, that I went straight down to the registry office and filed for divorce, just to teach the smug bitch a lesson. When I got home and found her still asleep in bed, I realised I'd made a terrible mistake. How can I convince the courts about my dream and stop the divorce being finalised?
Dear Alaister,
We dream of relationship problems when we are having relationship problems. Simple as that. Plus, you seemed quite eager to get that divorce, so I suspect there's more than a little trouble in chinatown island. I can't fix your marital issues, but I can guess that your wife is going to murder you as you sleep. As such, you need to stay awake by drinking Nescafe Gold Blend (tm). This luxorious coffee will pep you up enough to avoid any thrown knives or mustard gas released by your enraged missus.
Barry Shogun – Jolly Good Fellow
Dear Addman,
The other day I had a really weird dream that I was excavating ancient ruins with Ringo Starr. He still had his shades on, despite the fact that we were working by torchlight. Eventually, we uncovered a stone tablet with directions to El Dorado. What on earth does this mean?
The other day I had a really weird dream that I was excavating ancient ruins with Ringo Starr. He still had his shades on, despite the fact that we were working by torchlight. Eventually, we uncovered a stone tablet with directions to El Dorado. What on earth does this mean?
Dear Barry,
Stuart Pourer – Outhouse Renovator
Dear Addman,
I dreamed a dream of times gone by. Am I gay?
Dear Stuart,
Yes. As a newly qualified homosexual, you should drink Nescafe Gold Blend, the official sponsor of manlove.
Nicole Papa – Dole Recipient
Dear Addman,
I had a terrible dream that Jeremy Kyle had been cancelled. I woke up in a cold sweat and switched on ITV, but luckily it was still on. It was the American version where a woman was trying to get a guy to confess to being her "babydaddy". Then Jeremy got all up in someone's face and shouted at them, making them feel 2 inches tall and compounding their self esteem issues. It was a classic episode.
Dear Nicole,
I'm not sure if you want some analysis, or just wanted someone to gossip with about this chat show. I'll give you some analysis anyway, but I suggest you get some friends to alleviate that lonliness.
Anyway, a dream that we have lost something or someone dear is an emotional response to an overwhelming desire. Your brain is fighting against the obsession, and is doing so the most frightening manner possible. You need to evaluate just how much time you spend watching the show, and consider the fact that you may be addicted. Try and limit your exposure to Jeremy Kyle, or replace it with a caffine addiction, courtesy of Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).
Anyway, a dream that we have lost something or someone dear is an emotional response to an overwhelming desire. Your brain is fighting against the obsession, and is doing so the most frightening manner possible. You need to evaluate just how much time you spend watching the show, and consider the fact that you may be addicted. Try and limit your exposure to Jeremy Kyle, or replace it with a caffine addiction, courtesy of Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).
Brian Herbie-White – Champagne Campaigner
Dear Addman,
I keep getting this one weird dream where I'm falling. I fall and fall and fall, but there doesn't seem to be a bottom. I'm just falling through an infinite chasm. Eventually, I start to get bored and play with a yoyo. What on Earth does that mean?
Dear Brian,
Alison Packard – Bean Flicker
Dear Addman,
Dear Alison,
You know what else aids your mental development? Coffee! Specifically Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).
Marissa Duracell – Unconvincing Spy
Dear Addman,
Dear Marissa,
I think you need to drink more Nescafe Gold Blend (tm)!
Thanks everyone for your incredibly shit questions. Now...if you'll....excuse me....I've been awake for 6 days solid...TIME FOR A COFFEE!
P.S. The podcast is taking a short mid-season break today, but will return shortly.
P.S. The podcast is taking a short mid-season break today, but will return shortly.
I dreamed I was drowning in Nescafe gold blend (tm). In it, I was rescued by a green tea bag. The problem was, I was awake, it happened just now. It may still be happening. What have you done to my mind with your subliminal advertising!?!
ReplyDeleteMyesss, myessss, and now I shall reveal myself as the chairman of Nescafe! This whole Blog has been nothing but a viral ad for coffee! Everything you've read over the past couple of years has been a lie! Succumb to the latte!
DeleteI'm beginning to suspect there might be some product placement in this post. But I can't work out what it is. Boy do I want some Nescafe Gold. As for dreams, it's almost disturbing how many dreams mean you're gay or what to shag your mother/father.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly why I never want to study Freud. I'm afraid of what I might uncover about myself. Knowing my luck, I'll probably turn out to be a deep down right-winger.
DeleteSo I laughed really hard at the "I dreamed a dream of times gone by" line... but does that make me gay for understanding that reference? Time to pop in Les Mis and drink some Nescafe Gold, I guess.
ReplyDeleteI don't know who is the most gay. Me for writing the joke, or you for getting it.
DeleteI appear to be having a recurring dream where I am trapped reading the blog of a madman who interprets dreams, I keep trying to escape but I hear him shouting Nescafe Gold Blend (tm) . . . . I dont like Nescafe Gold Blend I would much rather have a cup of tea. Why is he doing this, why wont he give me a cup of tea, who is he, why is he throwing Jammie Dodgers at me, no one likes them. . . . .
ReplyDeleteTHe whole dream seems so real, but a nice cup of tea helps made with one of those nice PG Tips tea bags on special offer from the local supermarket, and if I say so myself a far more refreshing and economic drink than Nescafe Gold Blend (tm).
(OK when do I get the free tea bags chaps) . . . . . DAMN I was not meant to write that bit.
If we keep naming brands they're bound to give some freebies sooner or later. AUDI SAMSUNG IMAX HAPPYMEAL!
DeleteActually, that might be the name of the next Kanye baby.
NIKE (sorry nice) reply....
DeleteI had a dream once, in 2003. It was rubbish. Won't make that mistake again. I wrote a letter to my local MP about and demanded a refund.
ReplyDeleteStill waiting for a reply and a postal order for my troubles.... Bloody government. It's one rule for them that are allowed to cheat on their expenses accounts and another rule for those who have run out of medication and cant stop writing inappropriate letters to members of parliament...again.
Crooks, the lot of 'em! I bet MP's claim expenses for things they've bought in dreams too. It's disgusting!
DeleteSo, should I be concerned about a dream where I'm being chased by the undead corpses of the 14 budgies I unintentionally massacred by feeding them cabbage, or should I just drink a Nescafe Gold and assume my role as a homosexual?
ReplyDeleteBudgies can't eat cabbage? I have to go...to the budgie sanctuary I volunteer at...on completely unrelated business.
DeleteI don't know why, but this post really made me want to drink some Nescafe Gold Blend. I sense some subliminal programming.
ReplyDeleteI had a dream that an extra limb (a leg) erupted from my chest. What do you reckon? I think something phallic maybe be afoot.
Nice pun, but I reckon it's the opposite. Similar to the chestbursters in Alien, this is exposing the bizarre alien concept of pregnancy and what it feels like to play host to another lifeform.
DeleteSleep tight.
Very funny post. I laughed so hard my Nescafe came out my nose.
ReplyDeleteMwahaha, the plan is working! MWAHAHAHAHA!
DeleteI always use the website dreambible.com whenever I have a weird or scary dream.
ReplyDeleteWell that's me out of business...
Delete