Monday 25 November 2013

Extreme Survival

Hello, I’m Feral Bob.  For years I have been surviving in the wilderness using only my wits, and copious amounts of my own urine.  Today, I’m here to teach you how to survive some the harshest environments that that bitch mother nature can throw at you.

For example, if you ever end up as the sole survivor of a plane crash, the first thing you need to do is find food.  You need to start cannibalising the other passengers immediately to make sure you have enough sustenance.  Break off a shin bone, fashion it into a blade, and use it to skin their corpses until you have collected all available meat.  Use their skin as meat pouches to carry around your food, their fleshy folds make useful little snack pockets.

It must be hell getting stranded here


Hygiene and fashion is a huge problem when out in the wilderness.  If you crash land on a desert island, you can fashion yourself a pair of awesome trousers out of bamboo, or by using tree bark.  Castaway chique is a great look if you can pull it off.  If you need hair gel, there are various types of moss and bracken that you can squeeze for a rather suitable substitute.  If you can capture a flying squirrel and persuade it to lick your armpits, you have yourself a nice anti-perspirant.  Oh and make sure to snare yourself a large supply of rabbits for use as toilet paper. That’s essential.

Animal attacks are a huge problem in the wild.  See this wound on my arm?  Gouged by a boar, had to close the wound using only toothpicks.  This zipper scar on my chest?  Had to give myself open-heart surgery after eating a whole gaggle’s worth of goose fat.  Replaced it with a pig’s heart, no anaesthetic.  My missing arse cheek?  Shrimp bite that got infected.  I had to amputate it to prevent my legs going septic.  It didn’t matter though because I used my amputated leg to snack on.

You’re also going to need to make yourself a shelter.  If you end up stranded with a fat person, skin them immediately.  Their hide will probably be stretchy enough to make a canvas.  Failing that, you’ll need to acquaint yourself with the art of pit-digging.  Digging a massive pit is not only useful for trapping indigenous animals and children to eat, but it can also provide a great source of shelter.  If you build an underground labyrinth, you’ll be safe from any potential attackers, and might be able to attract your own pet Minotaur.

Up for grabs!


Eventually you’re going to want to think about escaping the island and getting back to civilisation.  Usually, because I have a camera crew and production team following my every move, filming me being all heroic in the wild and stuff.  So I can usually ask them to call in a plane to get me out of trouble.  If you’re planning to be stranded in the wilderness, I’d suggest getting yourself a major network TV show beforehand.  Otherwise, you’re on your own buddy!  Happy hunting.

16 comments:

  1. Who knew shrimps were biters, let alone how dangerous their bites are. If I use the fleshy folds as a food pouch, isn't there salmonella concerns? What's the proper way to skin a fatty, is it from anus up the back or thighs going up the side?

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    1. It doesn't really matter how you skin them as long as you don't cut into the sweet, insulating blubber too much. You could even fashion yourself a pair of shrimp-handling mittens, which will save any nasty bites.

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  2. Uh oh, I think I'm doing this wrong. I fashioned the skin of my fellow survivors into pants, and I'm eating the bamboo and tree bark. Was that supposed to be the other way around? Then I dug a pit into a fat guy and crawled into him like a tauntaun. Am I doing this wrong? This is the worst cruise ever.

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    1. I should also stress that you should only do these things in the event of getting stranded. Trying to skin other passengers before a crash tends to get you kicked off the cruise and violates Thomson's money back guarentee.

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  3. I really hope that I don't end up surviving a plane crash. I'm chubby and weak. I'm prime cannibal food. Damn.

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    1. To make yourself less appetising to potential cannibals, make sure you constantly shit yourself. Constantly.

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  4. If I were stranded far away from civilization it would be a blessing!

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    1. I don't know if you'd like it. Beer is a highly unlikely possibility when you're shipwrecked.

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  5. You need to illustrate this and make it a picture book. Now.

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    1. I'm working on a 4D experience version, where wild animals leap out of the book and spray urine on you. Actually, it's not so much a book and more of an unlicensed petting zoo.

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  6. Can these tactics be applied to all conditions? Say if I were stranded in an abandoned grocery store during a zombie apocalypse, would it be beneficial to lure in survivors and subsequently slay them and snack on their entrails? Maybe I can hollow out a turkey and use that as a pouch to carry my human snacks in? Also, there will be no trees or bamboo, but I'm pretty sure pineapples are made of the same stuff. Maybe I could make some slacks our of pineapple skin? I think I'm getting the hang of this. Thanks, Feral Bob!

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    1. After owning a pair of pineapple underpants, I would say go for it! That's if you don't mind a stinging sensation as pineapple juice constantly enters your unmentionable regions. Frankly, I quite like it.

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  7. The very nice Steven Spielberg will happily follow me with a film crew and his huge yacht so escape is not a problem for me. He also has several TV celebrity chefs on-board so food is not a problem either and his yacht is huge with many spare bedrooms so shelter is OK. In fact I would recommend that if you are planning on surviving in the wilderness that you need Mr Steven Spielberg and his yacht as your man Friday or you are a goner.

    One small tip that I can pass on is if you have to make a shelter, jellyfish stretched across the window frame make a good substitute for glass and by putting the stings on the outside also make your shelter burglar proof..

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  8. Excellent tip, but I would recommend that you double glaze or replace your windows every few days. The rotting jellyfish tend to be quite desirable to our seagull cousins.

    As for Spielberg, we don't all have million dollar movie contracts you know! Some of us only a have a humble prime-time TV syndication with a tiny 6 figure salary.

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  9. I mistakenly ate my camera crew. Can I borrow yours?

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    1. You never returned the last camera crew you borrowed from me. Frankly, I don't trust you with my camera crews any more.

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