Wednesday 30 April 2014

Z - Zoo Keeper Keeper



Zoo keepers are respectable men and women who look after animals with little to no regard for themselves.  But who keeps the zoo keepers?  Spotting a gap in the market, I decided this is something I should pursue, with tranquiliser darts and nets.  Soon enough, I had amassed a modest collection of zoo keepers.

When they regained consciousness, the keepers didn’t seem too enamoured with their enclosure.  I gave them plenty of fresh hay and a few tyres to swing on, and yet they kept rattling the bars and screaming for help.  I couldn’t charge admission for this attraction, not when the keepers were aggressive to point of spitting at me whenever I walked past the enclosure.  I was keen to cover the cage in airtight Perspex, but one of the keepers informed me that they would suffocate, and he should know, being an expert keeper and everything.  Taking his professional advice, I decided against suffocation and opted to improve their enclosure to avoid spittle.

I found a few chew toys at my local Pets At Home store that I thought might keep the keepers entertained.  Although the keepers didn’t take too kindly to these squeaky toys, they did stop spitting so much due to acute dehydration.  With one problem solved, I opened my attraction to the public.

Attendance was slow to begin with.  I don’t think the general populace quite understood the concept of zoo keeper keeping.  So I decided to do what any zoo in trouble would do; breed my animals.

Luckily, I had captured a male and two females, so I didn’t think I’d have any problems.  Lock people up together for long enough and they’ll soon start breeding.  Just look at the prison system for proof.  However, I didn’t have time to wait for nature to take its course.  To try and speed things along a little bit, I spiked their drinking water with red wine, then played some romantic music into the enclosure.  Everyone knows that Barry White is the lubricant of love, but I didn’t have any, so I decided to try a bit of Rammstein instead.  It caused violent judders in my subjects, but not the kind of naked, mating judders that I was hoping for.  It seemed that the zoo keepers weren’t going to mate successfully, so I would have to resort to drastic measures.

These two look like a promising breeding pair
After speaking to Beijing Zoo about their panda breeding programme, they told me that their success is mainly down to artificial insemination.  I gave it a go, but found it to be incredibly difficult.  Have you ever tried to extract semen from a zoo keeper?  There was a lot of scratching, blood, and screaming, and I failed to get a single drop from the whole encounter.  Unfortunately, the zoo keepers overpowered me when I entered the enclosure and escaped, and they locked me in here as they left.  It’s not so bad actually.  I’ve got my tyre swing and all the wine I can drink.  Later, I think I might extract some semen.  It’s not such a bad life in here.

12 comments:

  1. If you can find a couple of more females, I might join you in there. Oh who am I kidding? I'll join you in there anyway.

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    1. You'd be welcome if I could get this door open. Bring a hacksaw, a disguise, and a cake. They always have a cake in those prison break movies for some reason.

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  2. I can see that what you were doing was for the benefit of mankind as a whole, as our wildlife is killed off there will be no need for Zoo Keepers and someone needs to save a few for the future when Zoo Keepers will be as plentiful as Dodo's. You should do as they do in Kew Gardens, keep them in a freezer so they can germinate later when Zoo Keepers are just a distant memory, I am sure I can get you a cheap chest freezer large enough for a few of them if need be.

    Four members of RATs started the A to Z and four finished and that is a very good result compared to the other bloggers involved in this. . . . So well done Mr Addman......

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    1. With all the rhino steaks, hippo toes and panda kievs I have, there's not enough room in my freezer. Can I store them at yours?

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  3. So, if I made my way over to your place could I take over as the first ever Zoo Keeper Keeper Keeper?

    And, congrats on completely the A to Z Challenge! Are you participating in the Greek Alphabet Challenge, next?

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    1. Well I need someone to clean out my poo corner. Looks like you're the man for the job!

      I will be participating in the Greek Yoghurt Challenge next. Videos of me getting fatter and sobbing into empty plastic pots will be uploaded in due course.

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  4. Our family had a zoo keeper when I was growing up. He was a lot of fun until we had to put him down.

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    1. Didn't you send your zoo keeper to a farm? Sounds a bit cruel if you ask me.

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  5. Where do you come up with these great ideas? No matter how much scientists pester you to examine your brain, don't let them cut it up until you're finished with it.

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    1. The only time scientists can have my brain is if they are going to insert it into a robot suit.

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  6. Really? No movement when you introduced Rammstein? In my informal experiments that has usually aroused either masochism or poo-porn. Not that there's a connection...technically.
    Strong ending, by the way.Well done.
    Hopefully, in the Zoo Keeper Keeper Zoo, they don't treat the "exhibits" like a Danish zoo.

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    1. Here at the Zoo Keeper Keeper Zoo, we never put a healthy zoo keeper down. Unless they bite me. Or I don't like them.

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