Monday 16 June 2014

The Drawbacks Of Being A Brainiac



If there’s one thing that many of you will have learned from reading Muppets For Justice over the years, it’s that I am a veritable genius.  I can’t help it.  Having an oversized cranium is as big a burden as it is brilliant.  I’m starting to get neck cramps from having to support my gargantuan brain, which is why I have to wear this neck brace, and nothing to do with that time I tripped over in a rockery.

There are many serious ramifications (that means consequences) to being so smart.  Normal people may look at a simple object like a pencil and think of it as merely a writing implement.  When I see a pencil, all sorts of mind-bending possibilities emerge.  Most people wouldn’t think to pick their ears clean with it.  Very few people would try to taste the pencil.  It’s this kind of experimentation that separates me from the average layman.

Having a high IQ means that I can perform complex decisions at a blistering pace.  While I’ve never actually taken an IQ test, using my intellect I can estimate my IQ to be somewhere around 4000.  You can only work out your own IQ if you already have a high one.  Don’t try this at home folks!

The card my teachers gave me when I left school

Quite often I find that people cannot understand me when I talk.  Because my brain can process information so much faster than other people, I tend to communicate with them at a higher frequency then they are used to.  I also use huge, complicated words that most people don’t understand.  Because I am trying to relay so much information to you all at once, it may sound like I talking gibberish.  Some have described my speech as “Underdeveloped” or “Like listening to a howler monkey having sex with a tumble dryer”, but I would argue that my sentence structure is just too complex for your primitive brains to decipher.  If you were to record me speaking, slow it down, play with the reverb, reverse it, then get a voice actor in to record some dialogue over the top, I’m sure you would understand me perfectly.  You’d be pretty impressed at what I have to say.

Throughout my childhood I was persecuted for being so clever.  My teachers held me back several years because they couldn’t accept my radical theories regarding clothing.  Trousers are such an unnecessary distraction.  Those same teachers couldn’t accept that glue was vital brain food for my development.  However, keeping me back those years allowed my education to continue for far longer than any of my peers, which helped to keep my mind sharp and allowed me to absorb more information like a thirsty sponge.  By the time I left school I had a reading age far beyond the kids 4 years below me; the point at which I was initially held back.  Despite being a bright kid, I was constantly picked on and degraded by my contemporaries.  They called me names such as “milk chugger” because I used to drink my milk so fast that it came out of my nose.  I drank so fast because I wanted to get back to my studies quicker.  Why this is seen as a negative is completely beyond me.

Milk chuggers are ballers after all

Now in my adult years I am starting to find that the job market persecutes against clever people.  The clever jobs are never advertised in the local paper, so I never know when these jobs come up.  How am I supposed to apply for them if I don’t know where to look!?  They never advertise for nuclear physicists at the job centre.

I’m hoping that by typing this up, some of you smart people out there will contact me and let me know that I’m not the only one out there.  Then I will crush you all in an intellectual debate, because there can only be one person in the world as smart as me.  It’ll be like a cerebral version of Jet Li’s The One.  Like Kill Bill mixed with Mastermind.  Let battle commence.

22 comments:

  1. This also happened to me. Wait, did I write this? I am so smart I write things for other peoples minds.

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    1. My brain is so complex that all of you are actually fully fledged humans that have been rendered solid purely by the complex algorithms happening in my brain. None of you are technically real in as far as you are all imagined. That's my alibi for murder, and that's what I'm sticking to.

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  2. This reminds me of an old Carl Sagan quote:

    "The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses."

    (I say "old" Carl Sagan quote ignoring the fact that there aren't any new ones.)

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    1. That may be so, but if they point at you while laughing, that is a definite sign of genius.

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    2. My favorite "new" Carl Sagan quote is

      "Grrrrrahhhhh, brrrrraaaaaains." - Zombie Carl Sagan, 2014

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  3. You know you actually raise a very good point; how are these nuclear physicists being hired? I've never seen an advert for a physicist. I HAVE seen adverts for prostitutes and porn stars though. Do nuclear physicists even exist?

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    1. Why aren't there any application forms to build the next Lockheed super-sonic jet fighter? Doesn't make sense to me.

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  4. Representing the Caribbean, I accept your challenge to a battle of wits. I see your, "speech so intelligent, lesser minds consider your speech unintelligible" and raise my own, "choosing to not talk at all because I have grown tired of attempting communication with the simple-minded folk around me... so they just think I'm really shy."

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    1. It's not really a battle of wits. It's more like me slipping into your room at night and trying to drink your brains out through a straw. It's the only way to get at that juicy knowledge.

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  5. Using my acumen I found this post to be both superfluous and pedantic. And if you didn't understand that, it's simply because I'm smarter than you. If you did, though, then let's run away together and join MENSA.

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  6. My Intelligence quotient is such, that I do no need to consort with those with a lesser mental capacity, in order to prove my higher power of reasoning. I am in infallible and not easily distracted by...OMG, there's like a cute lil Kitty on your right side bar. Look at it's snuggly, waggly furry face, like one of them LOL cats that always haz cheezeburgers!

    Ahem...As I was saying...

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    1. What were you saying. I could just scroll up and reread it, but I don't like to duplicate the information in my brain. I like to leave room for more knowledge.

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  7. Just dont put that pencil in the microwave Mr Addman . . . . .O NO. . . . yes eat it and stuff thats fine but not the microwave. . . . .

    I too accept the battle of wits and I have inserted pencils in my ears so there will be no brain sucking out going on with me HAH HA HAH AH HAH AH HAH AHHA Hha hah ahah ahah ah ah ahah ah ah ahaha ha hahah ha ha ha

    And remember DO NOT PUT THE PENCIL IN THE MICROWAVE. . . . . . .

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    1. So what you're saying is that I should put the pencil in the microwave...

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    2. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo

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  8. I'm so smart that I went to go do my laundry, only to find out I did it yesterday. My brain recognized a need and processed it faster than my present body could react.

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    1. That's pretty smart, but I did mine last week. I have a pile of dirty clothes again, but I can't really do another wash as that would defeat the purpose of being so efficient.

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  9. What does pencil taste like? As a kid I heard you died of lead poisoning if you ate your pencils... but a quick taste can't hurt, right? x

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    1. Considering that pencils have graphine in them rather than lead, I doubt you would actually die from lead poisoning if you ate one.

      Graphine poisoning on the other hand...

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  10. This is so far ahead of my basic know-how-what of letter sequences. You done assaulted me with your smarty word darts. I aint got no thank-you's fer that kinda horse-shittery.
    But you are right about trousers being an unnecessary distraction. If everyone were walking around naked, and you invented trousers, wouldn't you feel stupid being the only one wearing trousers? See, that's how dumb it is to wear trousers, it's an imaginary social construct.

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    1. You're right. I always imagine people without trousers on anyway, which is something of a hobby of mine.

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