Monday 7 July 2014

String Theory Explained


There are many scientific theories and laws that, while they are essentially complicated, they can easily be explained.  The theory of gravity is a perfect example.  The practicalities and calculations behind determining gravitational force can be mind boggling, but it can be easily explained as the force that makes you stick to the floor.  String theory is not so easily described.

What exactly is string theory?  We’ve all heard Stephen Hawking talking about it; he loves it.  His eyes widen in wonderment at the sight of a string vest.  But why is string so important to science?

String has many magical properties that elevate it over other woven fabrics.  It is strong, taught, and useful for binding things together, which scientists speculate was an important part in the formation and binding of our universe.  Early telephone systems consisted of two yoghurt pots attached by string, which means that string can be used to transmit telephone signals and communications.  Despite all of this study, not a single scientist has been able to determine how long a piece of string is.  It also keeps unexpectedly appearing in people’s pockets for no apparent reason.  Go on, put your hand in your pocket right now and I bet you’ll find some string in there. Isn’t it marvellous?

In the same way that you can bind two sticks together with a piece of string, string theory indicates that the universe is held together by a mysterious, unseen force.  Some speculate that is the work of dark matter.  However, I believe that, given the evidence as to the important part that string already plays on our daily existence, that the universe is held together by long strands of invisible string.  This is the main reason why people tell you not to run with scissors.

The inside of a string

As an experiment, I’ve been trying to open tears in the space-time continuum by running down the street and madly slicing the air with a bread knife.  If my theory is correct, eventually I’ll slice through one of the invisible strings that bind reality, create a wormhole to another dimension, and transport myself into an alternative timeline where I didn’t wee myself in front of the entire class in 1996*.  I began screaming madly whilst doing this in order alert other people to the experiment. This should give them ample time to move out of the way should they not wish to be transported across trans-dimensional planes.  I also took the precaution of wearing a white coat so that people would take me seriously and understand that I was a man of science.  To underline this point, I wore nothing else other than the coat to try and draw attention to it.

It was shortly after I began slicing at a speaker in a KFC drive-thru that I was bundled into the back of a police car.  What kind of fascist would try and stifle a ground-breaking scientific discovery such as this? I don’t think the minds at NASA have to put up with this kind of bullshit.  And with that, your honour, the defence rests.

*Most of my experiments revolve around trying to reverse this tragic event.  It’s the main reason that I became a scientist.

((P.S.  Some of you saw a post on Friday about buttless chaps.  Those eagle-eyed readers may have noticed that the date of the post was 25th of July, so from the future.  Basically, Blogger decided to publish one of scheduled posts early in some sort of time travelling confusion.  Thank you for commenting and enjoying it, but I've taken it down to finish it properly and will post it again in due course.))


17 comments:

  1. Are your string experiments responsible for the rip in time that caused your July 25th post to post early? And thank you, now I finally understand String Theory...in theory. Ah, I did find a string in my pocket! Oh my god, I think I can see you in 1996 weeing yourself in front of your class. Don't do it little guy! There's time to get to the...damn, I guess it's true that you can't change time.

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    1. Yes, I think that my experiments are directly responsible for Blogger being a steaming pile of crap. In order to try and repair the rift, I have been eating Cheesestrings all day, but all that seems to happen is that my skin turns yellow and I go blind.

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  2. I don't know about this... I think your theory is hanging on by a THREAD! ahahahahahahahahahahaa

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    1. What an old joke. It's like money for old ROPE! ahahahahahahaha!

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  3. I always suspected that the world was held together by string. I'm sorry to hear that your experiment didn't go as well as you hoped. The problem was that you weren't wearing a cape and shouting "for science!". That's how you make sure everyone knows that what you're doing is a valid science experiment. The cape is just to make you look cooler.

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    1. I was trying to yell "for science", but in my excitement it came out as "death to the infidels!". An easy mistake.

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  4. Oh wow. Can you explain the whole Higgs boson thing now? And that whole thing about a photon being in a potential state until it's observed?

    I have trouble with that.

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    1. Funnily enough, I have already covered that topic here:

      http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/the-large-hardon-collider.html

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  5. So... I just ate a string cheese, and I'm kinda concerned that I ripped a hole in the space/time continuum. Maybe with this sewing kit we can patch it back together?

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    1. Hahaha! The universe doesn't work that way, you naive fool! You have to tie the cut ends together in a double knot.

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  6. WHAT you have removed my brilliant Butt joke because you wrote your post in the future. You are secretly writing stuff and using Scheduled posts. How do we know you wrote this now and not weeks ago. . . . In fact your whole Blog may have been written years ago. . . . Am I being strung along like a puppet on a thread, do you see this as money for old rope, its knot fair. . . .

    HAH AH AH AH HA HHAH Ah ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ha ha hah ah ah ah h ahah ah ah ah ah ah ha ah hahah ahha ha ah hahahah ah aha ha ha ha

    Only joking Mr Addman . . . . I love science.

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    1. I usually write stuff about three weeks in advance, so I'm used to the whole time travel thing. I knew you were going to write those puns too. You could say I've got this all tied up. Ahahahahahahahahahahaa

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  7. I found the string in my pocket! I've unfortunate tugged on it a bit too much and seem to have left myself pants-less and holding a whole bunch of string. I'm assuming my pants have been consumed by some wormhole of some sort. I'll mail you the string for scientific purposes.

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    1. This is what happens when science goes too far. I've ended up naked in the street many times due to my experiments. Only a true scientist must attempt these feats.

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  8. This is where science fails. If there is invisible string there is and invisible string maker. Knitting and weaving and looming and sewing and... crocheting... and... I'm out of things to do with string. But the magical string er guy isn't. Because he's omnipotent and he created the whole universe with magic invisible string which is very similar to a cotton/poly blend, breathable and all purpose, but much less tangible and a little on the invisible side. But machine wash safe. And that is why I'm a Stringertarian. First convention. Southern reformed.

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    1. If what you're saying is true, then the universe is in danger of losing it's colour on a hot wash. This is why I've stopped showering, to try and save the universe and preserve it for our children. I will join you in your bizarre beliefs.

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  9. To me, string theory says "Im annoyed with you. But thanks to String Theory I am comforted by the fact that in some alternate universe I can falcon punch you in the vagina and then force choke you Vader style and that makes me feel better"

    I got here from Pikleope's blarg and I enjoy you.

    I am at www.candyforbfast.co.uk and I hope to see you around!!

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