Your Health Problems - Vaccinated

Did you know that there is a 87% chance that one day, at some undetermined point in the future, you're going to die?  It's true, it happens to most people.  Notable exceptions include Bruce Forsyth and anyone with the surname Attenborough.

With that in mind, it's important to do everything you can to avoid the reaper.  I'm talking in a metaphorical sense.  You can't just cross the street when Death comes for you, nor can you find his house on Google Earth and plan your commute around it.  You need to take care of yourself and stay healthy, fit and limber.  That's why I've decided to help some of you saggy, rotting Internet corpses out there to stay in shape.  Below are some exemplary cases of medical perplexity that I have single-handedly cracked.  I'm like House, only I got evicted from mine for the unexplained disappearance of debt collectors around my area.  Regardless, let's get on with the show:

Gemma Driveway – Fish Wrestler

Dear Addman

Last week I cracked my leg on a table and now I can't even put it to the floor.  Walking is absolute agony, and I can't walk down to the doctors surgery to get it checked out.  Do you think I've broken it?

Dear Gemma,

Ages ago, me and a few friends co-owned a racehorse called Gimpy Steve.  We used to train him in particularly extreme conditions. The theory behind this was that if Steve could race in torrential rain, on ice, and through fields of landmines, he could race through anything.  Sadly, Steve slipped over on the first day, broke his hind leg, and the stable owner had to shoot him while we all cried.  It was the saddest day of my life.

Anyway, that's basically the situation you're in.  Do you know any farmers who can come and do the deed?  I'm sorry, but you need to be put down for your own safety.

Alaister Drew – Puddle Maker

Dear Addman

I have a penchant for the rotund posteriors of ladies that I simply must confess to.  My siblings all deny that this is normal practice.  When a lady enters the room with an iddy-biddy waist and a round object in my field of vision, I get feelings.  Is this normal?

Dear Alaister,

I refer you to the case of Sir Mix-A-Lot vs The Feminist League of America.  By law, it is not appropriate to encourage this kind of behaviour, and under no circumstance must you encourage a female to "shake that healthy butt".  In short, you are a monster and should probably be put down.

Barry Shogun – Pepper Grinder

Dear Addman

My head has gone septic.  What should I do?

Dear Barry,

When something goes septic, the best thing to do is to lance it.  Do have any lances lying around at home?  If not, I know a guy (coincidentally named Lance) who is an exceptional lance wrangler.  He has taken part in many renaissance fayres, and I have it on good authority that he is an expert LARPer, whatever that means, and has regular cause to use his lance during that.  I'll give him a call and get him to come round and lance your face.  If it doesn't work, he can always put you down while he's there.

Stuart Pourer – Serial Rappist

Dear Addman,

My daughter has become infected with a severe case of lesbianism.  She hasn't had a boyfriend in like, ever, and I saw her hug one of her "girlfriends" the other day, who I suspect may be the carrier.  I've tried praying to every Pagan god I know of, but so far, none have come up with a viable solution.  Is there some sort of pill she can take to cure her?

Dear Stuart,

There is nothing wrong with your daughter.  Lesbians are an important branch of the evolutionary Porn tree, and I'll be damned if I see another father try and dissuade his daughter from fulfilling her erotic destiny.  Frankly, I think you need to be put down.

Nicole Papa – STD Researcher

Dear Addman,

Last week I kissed a whole bunch of men in a nightclub, and now I have these weird sores all over my top lip.  At first I thought it was just stubble rash, but I used my husband's toothbrush  yesterday and now he's got it.  I need to find a way to clear this up quickly.

Dear Nicole,

As far a I know, this is a disease that has never been discovered or catalogued by medical science.  I'm pretty sure there are no infections out there that can be caught through sexual contact with another human being.  As such, there is no cure so you're pretty screwed, although there's no change there!  Hahaha!  No seriously, you'll need to be put down right away.

Brian Herbie-White – Toast Toaster

Dear Addman

Last week I went to eat at a local sushi restaurant.  That evening I was hawking my guts up and thought I was going to die.  Then the day after, the vomiting completely stopped.  What do you suppose happened there?

Dear Brian,

Isn't it obvious?  You've been cursed.  When eating out, always ask the waiters if the food has been handled or prepared by a witch doctor or shaman.  Check the waiter's belt for shrunken heads.  Scan the menu and look out for foods which sound like black magic, such as Juju sauce or calamari.  If you ingest these items, your body will become host to a thousand lost souls.  The spirits of the damned will hang around in your colon like they have nothing better to do, and make you violently sick.  The only solution is to have yourself put down, then you'll feel right as rain.

Alison Packard – Exhaust Fume Huffer

Dear Addman

I’m a busy woman who juggles a high powered business career and two children.  Last week I started suffering from heavy "women's problems", if you know what I mean, and I can't afford to for it to slow me down.  Is there anything you can suggest to alleviate these symptoms? 

Dear Alison,

Heavy women problems?  I understand, say no more.  In fact, I suffer from heavy women problems all the time.  Once a month, I get this irritating feeling and my blood starts to run cold.  This is all caused by the heavy woman who sits next to me on the train sometimes.  I only see her about 12 times a year, but she always seems to sit next to me for some reason, and she smells faintly of cheese sauce.  It's nauseating.  The only cure I can suggest is to pull the emergency cord and have them evacuate the entire train.  Or just put yourself down.

Marissa Duracell – Sexual Predator

Dear Addman,

Last year I had a flu shot and felt utterly dreadful for the next two weeks.  This year, my surgery has called me up to invite me for another flu shot, but I'm not sure I want it.  I mean, I don't want to catch flu, but I'm afraid I might get it from the vaccination anyway.  What are your thoughts?



Dear Marissa,

Flu?  Hahaha!  Last year I caught smallpox twice, and it never did me any harm.  You must be a real wimp to get upset by a little bit of baby flu.  You should try playing beach volleyball while you have gout sometime.  How about space hopper racing with hemorrhoids?  You don't know you're born, do you?  Don't make me put you down.

Phew, I think I've given enough advice for today.  Join me next time when we meet a man who has caught rabies from some babies, and a woman who describes herself as a "Vagician".  Ciao for now!