Monday, 19 March 2012

Aptitude Test

Thank you for applying for the position of Operational Operations Operative. In order to complete your application, you are required to fill in an aptitude test, as below, to the best of your abilities. By completing this form, you hereby give us the relevant rights to use this as a psychological profile by which we can determine your suitability for the role against other candidates. You also give us the right to draw a “brain map” of your mental attributes, and sell this information to marketing companies, medical research, and government outlets. You do not hold any statutory rights to this information.

1) It’s deadline day, and your boss comes down to your office to find out why you haven’t submitted a report on time. Do you:

A) Inform him of the additional pressures of your job, make some useful suggestions as to how to avoid this in the future, and assure your boss that the work will be completed as soon as possible.
B) Apologise and offer to stay overtime to finish the report.
C) Tie your boss to the desk with his own belt, and then proceed to violate him with a stapler in front of your horrified co workers.

2) One of your colleagues tells a raunchy joke which could easily be classed as sexist. Do you:

A) Inform HR of the incident as soon as possible, recommending that the employee be fired for sexual discrimination.
B) Ignore the situation and make a mental note not to repeat such a filthy joke in the workplace.
C) Explain to everyone that the joke was so great, it has made you sexually aroused. Prove this using visual means if necessary.

3) A package arrives at the building that no one has ordered. Do you:

A) Set off the fire alarm and get everyone to evacuate. It could be a bomb, or dangerous material.
B) Ring the postal company and tell them that they’ve made a mistake.
C) Shout “BOMB!”, and then kick the package towards the most sensitive person in the office, exposing the package full of multicoloured vibrators you had sent to yourself earlier.

4) While on the phone, a potential client is being rather rude and abrasive. Do you:

A) Persevere with the call, as a lost client could cost the company money.
B) Inform the client that you will have to escalate this to a supervisor if their manner doesn’t change.
C) Invite the client to a midnight knife fight, then stand on the desk and urinate on the receiver.

5) You are running late for work. Do you:

A) Call the office and inform them, and offer to make up the lost time over lunch or at the end of the day.
B) Don’t call. Hopefully no one will notice.
C) Call the office to tell them that you’ll be in once you’ve finished your illegal alleyway poker tournament, placing bets using the company credit card.

6) Your boss comes to your cubicle and asks you if you can work overtime this weekend. You planned to take your children to the lightbulb museum on Saturday. Do you:

A) Say yes. When a boss asks you to jump, you say “how high?”.
B) Decline, but explain your prior commitment and point out that you’d like to be considered for any future overtime.
C) Kidnap your boss and take him to the lightbulb museum instead.  Offer to stress test the bulbs by inserting them into your boss, and running an electric current through him.

7) You notice that one of your colleagues, Bob, tends to take an extra 10-15 minutes for lunch every day and never works it back. Do you:

A) Grass him up. The company is losing money at this part-timer’s expense.
B) Turn a blind eye in the hopes that he’ll cover for you when you need some slack.
C) Tear his face off and wear it when walking past reception, taking extra breaks when you want and fooling your whole office into thinking you're Bob.  Then, attempt to sleep with his wife.

8) Your company introduces a charge for car parking, and begins to take the charge out of your salary automatically. Do you:

A) Keep silent and accept it. The company needs to pay for the upkeep of the car park after all.
B) Consider car sharing or participate in the firm’s Cycle To Work scheme.
C) See how much they’ll charge when you try to land your apache helicopter.

9) You get nominated for employee of the month, and get a bonus of £50 in your next pay packet. Do you:

A) Send an email thanking your colleagues, and use the extra money to buy celebratory cakes.
B) Feel satisfied that you’ve achieved something.
C) Give the boss back those photographs you’ve been holding to ransom, as agreed.

10) Your co-workers decide to hold their Christmas party at a restaurant which you don’t like. Do you:

A) Disregard it and still go. Perhaps they’ll go somewhere you prefer next year.
B) Decline to come, but make a mental note to be the first to suggest a venue next year.
C) Hold your own Christmas party in the office while everyone is out. Hire a whole platoon of prostitutes, and leave a “festive excretion” shaped like Santa or Rudolph on everyone’s desk.

If you answered mostly C’s, congratulations! You have been successful in your application to Depraved Bastards Inc. You start on Monday, or you know, whenever’s best for you.


  1. I'll start a week on Thursday, if I can be bothered! :)

    1. Hope you enjoy your new job. We have a pool table, a water cooler, and an endless chasm of damned souls. Perfect for a little relaxation time.

  2. Yay, I answered all C's! See you on Monday :)

    1. Wait, if you truly were a C, you'd never turn up! And we'd never pay you! Somehow, I don't think I've fully thought through the business plan of Depraved Bastard's Inc.

  3. I'd love to tear my colleagues' faces off and wear them in work.
    They should offer it as an incentive.

    They could call it 'Wear your manager to work' Day.

    1. Great idea! I write it on this memo paper I made from thinly-sliced colleague's buttocks.

  4. Dang it. I should have answered "C" on these profile tests. That would have gotten me a job by now. :P

    -Barb the French Bean

    1. To be fair, the average life expectancy of an employee in Depraved Bastards Inc. is approximately 3 minutes. Just don't tell the unions.

  5. Question 4 answer C - This is now going to be my go to response to all of my day-to-day irks.

    1. I'd like to see you pull that off without a phone.

  6. 5) I like your line of thinking, but I'd rather say this (by combining it with 4):

    "I'm finishing up my midnight knife fight, which carried over into the morning. Once this guy bleeds out, I'll be in."

    Your boss now fears you, and will never question your lateness again.

  7. You guys are fools. I answered A) to every one, if you answer C) they might get suspicious and come to your house and discover "The Chamber."

    (Nice Addman. That was awesome! Definitely one of my favorites.)

  8. I answered A, B, A, A, B, C, B, C, A, and C. They can't deny a well rounded gentleman. Plus, with such an inconsistancy in my answering, there's a better chance that they may note one of my undesireable answers as mistakenly marked.

  9. Like in college, answering all "C's" has once again lead to success! I'd be a kick ass OOO. But I'll only work from home where I can work naked. Or, I guess since it is Depraved Bastards Inc., I could come in naked. It would help prove that the joke is so good I got aroused.

  10. This makes me see RED! not out of anger but because I answer C) to every question! I'm a great employee!

  11. I answered C way more times than I should have...

  12. yep C's... cool new job :)

  13. Too funny! New follower here. I'm trying to get a head start on visiting my fellow "A to Z"ers. I'm really enjoying your blog and I look forward to visiting again.


  14. @Beer - Good idea. Making your boss fear you is definitely the way to get a promotion. Why, I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for my knack of acquiring compromising photos.

    @Flip - What's in the chamber? Now I'm too intrigued to NOT come round and discover it.

    @Chiz - You're fooling no one with this charade. I know that the only reason you didn't answer all Cs is because they were too tame when compared to what you'd usually do.

    @Pickleope - Nudity is not frowned upon at all, although it can get sat upon if you sit down too fast and possess rather pendulous testes.

    @Bersercules - I always see red too, but that's because I tried to write a memo on my eyeballs.

    @Dwei - It's healthy. Personally, I'm suspicious of people who don't display psychopathic tendencies, because they're really good at repressing them.

    @G - Sorry to say, but there is no job. Although, given your answers, I suspect I might loose my life if I don't give you job. Tell you what, I'll send you £50 for not killing me, deal?

    @Sylvia - Thanks. I've been a bit slack on checking out other A-Z blogs, but I hope to get up to speed when the challenge starts. I'll check your blog out though, thanks

  15. Woohoo!! I've been looking for a good challenging new job. :D

  16. i love this post. i laughed hysterically, all alone in my soul-sucking cubicle. I WANT TO WORK AT THIS WONDERFUL PLACE!

  17. I just left you an award because I think your blog is great!

  18. BTW, the award is at my blog...I used to be blond, cut me some slack.

  19. @Mich - It's challenging just to stay alive in this job. Especially when we have our 9:30 morale-boosting morning meeting/Russian roulette.

    @ihateeverything - Having read your blog, you could be a chief exec at Depraved Bastards Inc. I say that in the nicest possible way, of course.

    @Shay - Thanks very much! I'm actually half tempted to print it out and have it made into a badge. Would that be taking it too far?

  20. If I comment will my comment give you the right to draw a “brain map” of my mental attributes, sell my information to marketing companies, medical research, and government outlets? Do I hold any statutory rights to this information?


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