Monday 6 August 2012

I'm Gonna Win


Since the nation is in the grip of sport’s fever at the moment (which is a lot healthier than swine flu, as I understand it), the right honourable, venerable, wonderbum Chairman Sebastian Coe is rallying the government for sports funding.  He wants to see more young people taking up sport in a push for British glory, and to eliminate obesity in all its misshapen, blobby forms.

Inspired by the Olympic splendour happening around me, I decided to get in on the act myself.  I may not be the most athletic person in the world.  In fact, I’m so out of shape I look like a Rorschach drawing imagined by Jackson Pollock.  Regardless, I’m young and impressionable so I reckon I can just pick it up.  The gold medal is assured!

But what sport is right for me?  I didn’t really know which discipline I would excel at so I decided to try a few different ones.  Here are the results:

Sprinting

Inspired by watching the men’s 100m finals and seeing the fastest men in the world compete, I decided that I’d try my hand (or foot) at sprinting.  I wasn’t sure what kind of distance I needed to run though.  I assumed the “m” in “100m” stood for 100 miles.  I wasn’t sure how Usain Bolt managed to run that kind of distance in 9.64 seconds.  It took me 3 days, 7 hours and 49 minutes.  With enough training, I hope to whittle down this time to something more respectable.

Hammer Throw

Since I didn’t have my own hammer, I went to the nearest building site to borrow one.  Unfortunately, a man on a ladder got in the way of my throw and now I’m being sued due to his incompetence.  It’s a shame because I reckon I was on for a world record too.

That's not a hammer.  That's a shot put on a lead.


Swimming

I heard somewhere that male swimmers shave their legs to help them move through the water more smoothly.  This sounded like a great idea.  The lifeguard didn’t seem too pleased when I sat at the side of the pool and started shaving my legs into the water, especially when a kid coughed up a hairball in the shallow end.  Apparently it’s “creepy” and I was banned for life.  I bet Michael Phelps never had to deal with this nonsense.

Synchronised Swimming

By my own count, I managed to achieve a perfect score in this sport on my first try.  The trick is to do it solo, so you can guarantee that you’ll always be in sync with yourself.  I’ve applied for the regional championships, but they rejected my application when I put “Me, Myself and I” down as team competitors.  It’s discrimination!

Water Polo

I threw a packet of Polos into a duck pond.  The ducks ate them all and had minty-fresh beaks all day.  I assumed that was a loss for me, and decided that this sport is too difficult to continue with.

Equestrian 

Since all my attempts to procure a horse ended up with me being chased away by farmers, I had to come up with a plan B.  I persuaded my brother to be the back end of a pantomime horse with me.  Although we faltered at the first jump and fell down like a bag of spanners, I heard the announcer say that we’d bought the event into “disrepute”, which I assume is a good thing.

Cycling

I had to try this out in the park since I was banned from the Velodrome for sliding around it in my socks.  Regardless, I figured I’d be able to get a decent time just by pedalling hard.  Unfortunately, my basket kept falling off whenever I hit a pothole at speed, which took valuable seconds off my time.  I also think the pink streamers were slowing me down.  Perhaps if I replace them with a go faster red, I might stand a chance.

Rowing

My rowing attempts were once again destroyed by those ducks!  They seem to have developed a taste for Polos and they attacked me on sight.  I’ve been pecked in places that I hoped no beast would ever explore with a sharp beak.

Long Jump

Now this might be something I could excel at.  I jumped right over my little sister’s sandpit in one massive leap.  I’ve never seen a long jumper completely clear the pit before, so I awarded myself the gold in an official ceremony held in my back garden.  No one can take that away from me.  No one!

20 comments:

  1. Re: cycling, have you tried putting baseball cards in the spokes? Because I hear that makes your bike 20% faster, based on noise level alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't have any baseball cards, so I used a large stick instead. Surprisingly, this slowed me down a hell of a lot.

      Delete
  2. I think sliding around the Velodrome in socks should be an Olympic sport! Team pursuit would be pretty fun :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Would you get disqualified if you had holes in your socks? If so, that's yet another sport I'd fail at.

      Delete
  3. Well you're right that I don't think anyone has cleared the sand pit, so by doing so you earned that gold medal there. I think that's actually a good time to run 100 miles too. Sadly nothing compared to Usain Bolt, who is so called because he can run at the speed of a bolt of lightning.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Really? I thought Bolt was named after a door latch which broke on the night he was conceived, where Bolt's Grandma caught his parents in the act and chased them with a broom. It's said that this is where his running speed came from.

      Delete
  4. Table tennis or as scientists call it, "Ping Pong," is a good Olympic sport to take up. The key is to play it in a sweaty basement with furniture and empty beer can obstacles. It really requires a lot out of energy, but the results are amazing. I was huffing and puffing after the point.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I should have thought of Ping Pong. I was never any good at Pong on the old Spectrum, so I doubt I'd be able to master this either.

      Delete
  5. I have been fixing some of the fences where we live and have done quite a good job of it if I say so myself, a bit of DIY can save a few quid.... So I might go for fencing. I was also rather good at Marathons and could eat one dead quick, but they changed the name of it to Snickers..... Another sport ruined, you can hardly go about saying you a great snicker'er or Im just going out to practice snickering without people thinking the worst.

    I'm still waiting for the skiing events to start, I assume that will be in the next few days if they plan to squeeze all the events in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought fencing was all about buying illegal goods from criminals. Yet another sport I have failed in...

      Delete
  6. I could have warned you about the ducks. Birds are mean and they are starting to mobilize against humanity (what, you don't think the Bird Flu is biological warfare?) and the ducks are the bird Navy.
    By the way, "I look like a Rorschach drawing imagined by Jackson Pollock" is my favorite line of the week. Hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So dolphins want to rape us, and now birds want to kill us? Is there an animal out there who doesn't wish for the demise of humanity?

      Delete
  7. You should get a gold medal for valiant effort.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm writing to the Olympic committee on that front. Can I put you down as a reference?

      Delete
  8. I'd say you totally deserve that gold medal. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, unfortunately I was mugged by a flock of magpies and lost it. Serves me right for wearing it to the supermarket.

      Delete
  9. What? No fencing jokes?

    i can keep the cows out better than anyone here. Except for maybe Ken-in-a-tractor

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I missed a trick there, huh? Sounds like you have the fencing wrapped up though.

      Delete
  10. I worked at the velodrome once, but unfortunately the only person to fall of their bike was a young girl so I couldn't laugh. Out loud.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Didn't you grease the floor up before letting anyone ride? That's the only way to guarantee hilarity.

      Delete

Leave me a nice comment or die trying.