Ethical Pimping

Since the time of the ancient Greeks and their elite, sordid ways, it has long been established that pimpin’ ain’t easy.  I believe it was Plato himself who once said “bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks”.

While this catchy quotation caught on and gave pimping the reputation that it has today, some might say that the game has always been marred with a sexist slant.  That’s why, as a certified pimp daddy and chair member of the Board Of Pimps, I have decided to give pimping a modern makeover and force it to comply with political correctness.

For starters, the term pimp needs to go.  From now on, pimps will be known as “Sexual Liaison Coordinators”.  These coordinators will be solely responsible for the well being of their ho’s.  Stringent checks are to be carried to ensure that all staff are complying with the new regulations.  Pimping inspectors shall be hired to perform annual inspections on crack dens.  Any ho found with more than 5 bruises and too little crack in her veins will incur a financial penalty upon the coordinator.

Also, women in the industry will no longer be referred to as ho’s.  Instead, they are to be known as “Relief Technicians”.  This new title will hopefully start to address the sexism imbalance that is inherent in this line of work.  I believe that, due to the dangers of this job, the women who give their time and bodies for this profession need to be rewarded accordingly.  As such, a new minimum wage is to be introduced.  3 hits of smack a day should make these ladies feel more appreciated in an industry that has taken them for granted over the years.

Our old mascot (above) will be replaced by Prince William

My intention is that the industry will start to become more customer friendly over the next few years.  Clients who don’t pay up front will not be met with initial violence.  Instead, they should be strongly encouraged into one of our offices, in which we will start to negotiate the terms of a repayment plan.  If the payment is not given there and then, penalty charges will occur at the current rate of inflation.  We will offer clients the opportunity to pay monthly, by direct debit if needs be.  We will also start to take credit cards in order to modernise our service and to give the customer more choice when it comes to payment.

Baseball bats will not applied to the shins of rival Sexual Liaison Coordinators.  Instead, we shall explain politely if they have intruded on our turf, and that any further incursions will result in a major leaflet campaign against them.  Turf wars can ruin neighbourhoods and bring down property values, which will be detrimental for our own business in the long run.

It is my hope that these changes will start to improve the reputation we get.  I believe that the public will be more sympathetic to our front line workers as well, which will improve our profit margins exponentially.  I hope you will take this overhaul in the spirit it is intended, and that we can give this industry the facelift it desperately needs and deserves.

Yours

T-Dawg