Friday 3 August 2012

Ethical Pimping

Since the time of the ancient Greeks and their elite, sordid ways, it has long been established that pimpin’ ain’t easy.  I believe it was Plato himself who once said “bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks”.

While this catchy quotation caught on and gave pimping the reputation that it has today, some might say that the game has always been marred with a sexist slant.  That’s why, as a certified pimp daddy and chair member of the Board Of Pimps, I have decided to give pimping a modern makeover and force it to comply with political correctness.

For starters, the term pimp needs to go.  From now on, pimps will be known as “Sexual Liaison Coordinators”.  These coordinators will be solely responsible for the well being of their ho’s.  Stringent checks are to be carried to ensure that all staff are complying with the new regulations.  Pimping inspectors shall be hired to perform annual inspections on crack dens.  Any ho found with more than 5 bruises and too little crack in her veins will incur a financial penalty upon the coordinator.

Also, women in the industry will no longer be referred to as ho’s.  Instead, they are to be known as “Relief Technicians”.  This new title will hopefully start to address the sexism imbalance that is inherent in this line of work.  I believe that, due to the dangers of this job, the women who give their time and bodies for this profession need to be rewarded accordingly.  As such, a new minimum wage is to be introduced.  3 hits of smack a day should make these ladies feel more appreciated in an industry that has taken them for granted over the years.

Our old mascot (above) will be replaced by Prince William

My intention is that the industry will start to become more customer friendly over the next few years.  Clients who don’t pay up front will not be met with initial violence.  Instead, they should be strongly encouraged into one of our offices, in which we will start to negotiate the terms of a repayment plan.  If the payment is not given there and then, penalty charges will occur at the current rate of inflation.  We will offer clients the opportunity to pay monthly, by direct debit if needs be.  We will also start to take credit cards in order to modernise our service and to give the customer more choice when it comes to payment.

Baseball bats will not applied to the shins of rival Sexual Liaison Coordinators.  Instead, we shall explain politely if they have intruded on our turf, and that any further incursions will result in a major leaflet campaign against them.  Turf wars can ruin neighbourhoods and bring down property values, which will be detrimental for our own business in the long run.

It is my hope that these changes will start to improve the reputation we get.  I believe that the public will be more sympathetic to our front line workers as well, which will improve our profit margins exponentially.  I hope you will take this overhaul in the spirit it is intended, and that we can give this industry the facelift it desperately needs and deserves.

Yours

T-Dawg

18 comments:

  1. This is actually an impressive business strategy. I wouldn't be surprised if a Sexual Liaison Coordinator stumbles upon this site and spreads the word to his homies. They will no longer need to abuse their palms against the hard bodies of Relief Technicians in order to "keep their pimp hand strong." Instead, they'll require nothing less of keeping their palms green with money with this foolproof system. Way to go, T-Dawg!

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    1. By the way, they're not called homies any more. They're "Valued Colleagues".

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  2. Well pimpin isn't really all that sexist. Men are sold for sex too. But I think with these changes we can help remove any and all negative connotations to pimping and prostitution. By the way I found the new job titles hilarious, and I can see them catching on.

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    1. I hope they do catch on. They represent the new face of the pimping industry. Admittedly it's a toothless, black eyed face, but a new face all the same!

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  3. This post was fun to read, creative, and a good business model. Prostitution was not always looked down on. Ancient Rome and Europe during the Renaissance both esteemed prostitutes and many became fabulously wealthy. Most major civilizations had had legalized prostitution. Your idea of putting a new face on this ever-present industry deserves more study.

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    1. I know. The only thing that stops me selling myself as a gorgeous chunk of man meat is the legality of it. If there were no threat of legal ramifications, I would certainly charge.

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  4. I absolutely agree with your very 21st century ideas on the oldest business trade. And the new titles all have their professional touch, bravo! I surmise that similar to all the huge enterprises you run and sit at the Board, "turfs" can now be defined as territorial business parameters, right?
    Maybe you can add a succession plan along the way, rookies can start as Relief Technicians but will eventually progress into Relief Specialists, Relief Experts and eventually, Relief Consultants. That way, you can retain your best talents in your brothel err... organisation.

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    1. I think the top of the relief technician chain should be "Peace Bringer"

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  5. That is a noble thing that you have to done. I pray that when you have brought about the sweeping changes that you have so boldly put forth, you turn your attention to some other fields that could use some wholesale changes. Assassins. Arsonists. Extortionists. Bloggers. Muggers. Drug Runners. Soccer Hooligans. Kindergarden Teachers. Psychotic Serial Killers. Schizophrenic Serial Killers. Regular Old Run of the Mill Serial Killers. Sororities. Satanists. Mad Scientists. Mobsters. Gangsters. And Hipsters.

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    1. I'd love to, but I doubt there's little I could do to improve the reputation of Bloggers. Filthy scum!

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  6. You have to take this to the Dragon's Den

    The oldest profession is now modernised

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    1. I shall! I'd love to the Dragons investing their money in prostitution rings.

      "I'm in!"

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  7. Hilarious posting, but over here (that'd be in the U.S.) Pimps can now be charged under a law of Human Trafficking and can get life in prison at least that is what happened in a town near mine when a pimp was arrested. They say he is being charged under a new law, idk just sounds a little crazy.

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    1. You mean that pimping wasn't illegal before? Why did no one tell me this before?

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  8. LOL Addman I take it pimping has always been illegal just like the oldest profession, but seriously life in prison for it? :)

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    1. Ahh I see. To be fair, prison is the worst place to put a pimp. He's likely to start pimping out his cell mates.

      Life does seem a bit harsh. Then again, you have to consider the victims and how their lives have been fundamentally destroyed and degraded for someone elses profit. I think that's the most serious paragraph I've ever posted on here.

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