Friday, 31 August 2012

Suicide And Cheese: Part 2

It all happened on another typical day in the Cheddar Grounds.  The sun was singing and the birds were shining brightly.  The cheese deliveries had just been taken, and the underlings were preparing the day’s cheeseboards as I strolled into the president’s office for the day’s events, my head held high as I caught a whiff of a delicious baked Camembert being wheeled along in the hallway.  

As I entered, my head dropped as I saw the hideous haunch of president Herman, huffing and perspiring bountifully over a freshly wooed Philly.  No, I don’t mean a young lady, I literally mean a Philly.  A cow.  The already rather unlikeable president was defiling an animal in the hall where we’d be eating our cheese selections later.  The stench of sex juice pervaded the air, hanging lazily like a stoned sloth on a washing line, and causing me to gag uncontrollably.  

This was probably the most scandalous event I’d ever been party to.  I’ve seen many depraved things in my time.  I once saw a man poke a poo with his bare finger.  I also once caught my brother watching primetime ITV, but neither of these was as disgusting as this heinous act before me.  Unable to contain my horror, I let out an audible wretch as I clasped my hands around my mouth, trying to stifle the surprise.

“This isn’t what it looks like!” Attested Herman as he tried to cover his dignity and hoist his XXXL boxers back up and over his bulbous thighs.  But it was too late.  I’d seen everything.  You could have branded the image onto my retinas with a soldering iron and I still wouldn’t be able to recall it as vividly as I do now.  It took another 30 seconds of silence before I regained my composure.

“I camembert-lieve it!” Was the best pun I could muster at such short notice.  I was still surprised by what I’d seen, so don’t judge me.

“Now you’re not going to tell anyone are you?”

“Herman, you’ve used this place as a barnyard of pleasure for the last time.  I’m going to tell EVERYONE about this!”

Finally, I had the leverage I needed to get rid of Herman once and for all.  Never again will he be able to gorge his stomach on fine cheese, or gorge his sexual appetite on impressionable livestock.  This was the event that would make me president!  As I turned to leave, Herman shuffled forward (still doing up his flies), still protesting.

“You intend to ruin me?  Pah!  No one will believe you!”

I shot him a disdainful glance over my shoulder, but didn’t say a word.

“I’m too well respected around here!”

My hand reached the door handle.

“And what about Daisy here?  A scandal like this could ruin her modelling contract with Anchor spread! This could leave her broke and paddockless!  You can't expect her to live hoof to mouth over this!”

His puns were almost better than mine, but I was not going to be defeated so easily.  Without a second thought, I closed the doors on that decadent scene, leaving Herman to mop up, and headed over to the Elites hall to deliver the bad/good news.

[End of Part 1]

[Part 2]

For a man who had just seen the most immoral event in the world, I still had a song in my step and a spring in my heart.  Today was the day that I’d finally be rid of that crass, belligerent fool Herman, and ascend to true greatness.
I dodged past a giant cheese wheel being rolled into the courtyard and tipped my hat to the gentlemen delivering it.  They were unaware of the sickening scenes I witnessed only a few minutes earlier.  I merrily skipped around them and continued onward to the Elite’s hall.  

I couldn’t wait to deliver the most salacious gossip the society had ever known.  This was even more scandalous than when Alfred was caught cutting his Edam with LSD for a little extra kick.

As I approached, the door to the Elite’s hall flung open as if to greet me.  It was as if the building was welcoming me inside, urging me to deliver my important news.  Alas, it turned out to be the other Elites leaving, so I hurried over to them, waving my arms to catch their attention.  It was only then that I realised they were already heading my way.

“Fellows!  Wait until you hear about this!”

“Get out!” shot Johnny, the youngest member of the Elites.  At 9 years old, he still commanded an air of authority, and I had an inkling that the other two Elites tended to follow his lead.  I never particularly liked him anyway, but what he said next confirmed my initial hatred for him.

“Your membership is terminated.  You’re no longer welcome here at the club.”

“But...why?  What have I done?” Seemed like the most appropriate question.

“You know what you’ve done.  Daisy is an esteemed member of our society.  What you did to her is degrading and foul!”

Starting to understand the situation at hand, I spoke in a hushed tone and tried to avoid drawing any more attention than was necessary.  I was aware that many public eyes were suddenly upon me and that lower ranking members were stopping and staring at us.

“You think I had sex with her?  No, it was Herman!” I explained. “I was on my way over to tell you.”

“Save it.  He phoned ahead and said you’d try to pin the blame on him”

“This is outrageous!  I’ll take a DNA test to prove it!” I offered.

“Don’t make this into a scene.  Just leave now before I get the police involved.  It’s only because of your long standing service to this organisation that I haven’t alerted the authorities already.”  For a 9 year old, he could be rather eloquent at times.

“I will not be silenced” I declared in an ironically in a hushed tone.

“Frankly, it’s your word against Herman’s.  And we both know Herman has more clout around here”.

And that, my friends is how the best day of my life rapidly transformed into the worst.  I was escorted off premises to chants of “cow shagger!” and “udderly sexy”.  Outside the gates, a homeless man blocked my path and asked for some spare change, and I didn’t even have a lump of cheese to throw at him.  It was a truly vile day.


  1. That poor guy :( I'm sure though this would find it's way on to prime time ITV. "My boss shagged a cow and blamed me for it." I've also never heard a man having sex with a cow put so delicately and beautifully.

  2. I like the cheese pun fight. I'd say I feel for the guy getting kicked out of the sociaty but who'd want a boss like that anyway?

    Can't wait for more!!

  3. I notice there is a Cow and a Gate in that story, and a DNA test.............. I can see where you are heading, very clever.....

  4. Udderly mooving! This story is absolutely abs-herd. No bull, this novella is legen-dairy. Alright I'm off to read the next installment.


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