Last week, as I rooted through the food cupboards at home, I found and devoured the last funsize Mars bar with hasty relish. Once the miniature bar had descended down my gullet and past the part where it's taste was lost to my endless digestive tract, I felt wholly unsatisfied. I needed sugar.
It was too late to simply purchase chocolate. It was a Sunday evening, and thanks to Britain's trading laws, even the supermarkets cannot stay open past 4:00 PM in case Jesus returns or something. Rioting was out of the question since all my best rioting clothes were in the wash. In my desperation, I fired up my laptop and sent an email to the Mars corporation:
Dear Sir/Madam,
I run a successful Blog with hundreds of subscribers and thousands of regular hits. Throughout my life I have made a massive commitment to Mars chocolate and have taken your slogan "A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play" to heart, so much so that my heart is probably caked in caramel by now. I swear it audibly creaks sometimes.
Anyway, I believe that a marriage between my Blog and your delicious treats might work. At least it'll work better than my recent marriage. Apparently, it isn't possible to enter into any kind of legally binding matrimony with someone who is trapped in the trunk of your car, but that's a story for another time.
What I am proposing is that I could review your chocolate and inform my readers how it makes me play amongst the stars, how Mars takes me higher than Jupiter or Mars. I think there's a song in there somewhere. It might make a nice jingle for your company.
In order to complete the reviews, I would require as much free produce as you can possibly spare. I am a thorough sort of man so I would have to conduct an inordinate amount of product testing. I will, of course, inform everyone to purchase your product immediately. Let it be known that my professional opinion is very fickle and can easily be bought with sugar.
Let me know if you are interested and I'll let you know where to send the chocolate to. Also, here's a link to my Blog if you want to check my credentials:
http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.co.uk/
I sat back and waited for the trucks arrive. Unfortunately, they never came, and all I got was this rather generic response:
Thanks for getting in touch.
Unfortunately, we do not have any samples of our products to send to you at the moment.Once again, thanks for contacting Mars and good luck in the future with your blog.
Kind regards,Samantha NewittConsumer Care Team0845 045 0042
They don't have any samples to send me at the moment? Surely that means that I should be eligible for free stuff when it becomes available.
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| For those who don't know what a Mars Bar looks like. |
After this failure, I decided to edge my bets a little and see if I could get any free stuff from any other companies. Since I needed some fizzy drink to wash down my chocolate, I contacted the Coca Cola company:
Dear Sir/Madam,
I run a rather successful Blog with hundreds of subscribers and thousands of regular hits. When I'm not Blogging about my incredible career as a bus shelter monitor, I am generally guzzling down litres of Coca Cola products.
As I am renowned in both these fields, I figured I should try and combine the two and Blog about Coca Cola products. I could review your products and tell my readers how awesome they are. I would be grateful for any free product you could send me to review, and I can promise you favourable write ups in return (unless you make something really gross like Sprout Cola).
I hope you don't doubt my resolve to review these products. I am dedicated to the consumption of carbonated liquids, so much so that I drank enough Fanta last week to cause hallucinations. I spent the weekend as a Hummingbird trying to pollinate flowers (chairs), and now I have arms as tight as a submarine porthole.
I hope you will consider this exciting business opportunity. Let me know if you're interested, and I'll give you the address to ship the free stuff to. Here's a link to my aforementioned Blog, for your perusal:
http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.co.uk/
I couldn't wait to be sipping that fine syrupy goodness.
Thank you for contacting us regarding your idea.
We receive many ideas and business proposals from persons outside of our company and we are complimented that our consumers are interested in our company.
Coca-Cola Great Britain uses a variety of agencies that assist us in advertising, marketing, manufacturing and sales promotions fields. Unfortunately as a matter of policy, we are unable to accept ideas or consider any proposal directly from individuals or business groups outside our company or its agencies.
I wish to emphasise that although we can not consider your proposal, this in no way reflects on its merits.
I am sorry to respond with this disappointing news but hereby return your proposal accordingly.
I would like to thank you once again for your interest in our company and to wish you all the best with your business venture.
Kind regards,Alas, it would seem that I have failed. Has anyone ever managed to get cool free stuff from a company? If so, let me know how I can better dupe them out of delicious product.
Laura Tomsett
Consumer Information Centre
Coca-Cola Great Britain
Even though I usually wonder if you really do the things you say you do, this time I really believe you did it. Or you're very good at faking official responses. It's a damn shame they wouldn't agree to your demands :( I think if you had enough followers they would have done it.
ReplyDeleteI do do the things I do, if that makes sense. I throw as much shit as I can out there and see what sticks. 80-90% of the email pranks I try end in failure, as does this one, but I wanted to see if anyone has ever managed to get free stuff from large companies.
DeleteWell, I've heard of people who start blogs solely reviewing useless gadgets, and once they get enough followers or views, company's will contact them and offer free products in exchange for an indepth review. Of course you probably already knew that, though.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'll give you a free lock of my hair if you agree to write a review on its thickness, sheen, and girth. Just kidding, but seriously, I'll do it. But of course I'm joking... unless you're not, in which case I'll do it... seriously.
I would seriously review your hair if you sent it to me.
DeleteThat is the creepiest thing I'll write all day.
Chocolate and Soda? You set your sights too high, my friend. Maybe if you asked for milk and asparagus, instead. I have never asked for anything free, in my entire life. I'm much too timid.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you're right. Next time I'll try and get Irn Bru and aubergines.
DeleteIf you're interested a few months ago I was contacted by Social Media chimps and asked to join. There are ppl out there who are interested in what you are requesting! Product reviewing and ads etc... I think some of them will even pay you. Anyway if you're interested the page is @ https://socialmediachimps.com/
ReplyDeleteInteresting, I might look into that. Not for this Blog, mind. The good people here don't want to read Mars bar review when they could read posts choc full of me trying to be funny.
DeleteThere was a time, a long time ago when companies were happy and cheery and would respond to certain things. I am aware of someone getting a huge supply of Munchies for free that lasted for months but it was a long time ago.
ReplyDeleteI also know someone who works for a small provincial newspaper who seems to get loads of free stuff like test driving flash cars for weeks on end and free trips to hotels and meals out.
But the days of companies sending a few samples in the post to a punter with a good yarn have long gone now. I think maybe a blog called Muppets For Justice may not help; maybe if you started a blog called The International Consumer (The professional guide of product purchase) they might just sit up and think OK better send a few chocie bars.
Alternatively say you intend to sit in a bath of Mars bars for a week collecting money for charity in the middle of Trafalgar Square, and then distributing the Mars bars afterwards to the needy...
By the way why are fun sized Mars bars smaller that to me is not fun it should be huge.
You're right. Henceforth, this Blog shall be known as International Conglomerate Inc. to make it more professional. Everyone must wear a tie.
DeleteThat charity idea might just work though.
You need to tell them how disappointed you were when half a cockroach dropped out of your Mars bar. This has never happened to you in all the years you've been enjoying their products and is there anything they can do to restore your good opinion of them, like sending you a cargo container full of chocolate.
ReplyDeleteCockroach-free chocolate of course. I'd imagine they'd want photographic proof though, especially since we don't have many cockroaches here in the UK. Can you send some over and I'll fake some photos?
DeleteThere seems to be a lack of intimidation in your proposals. You'd have a much better chance of getting free stuff from them if they think there's a real risk you'll turn up at their offices in person. Hell, it's worked for mafiaesque organisations for years!
ReplyDeleteNice company you have here. Shame if something were to happen to it...
DeleteIt is a brilliant idea. Maybe you just need to tweek it a bit. Try telling them that you've had interest from other companies, but out of respect to them, you want to give them first right of refusal. If you act like you don't need it, they give it to you for free. Or maybe just shoot lower like Jones soda.
ReplyDeleteShooting lower is the story of my life. I think I'll try reviewing Faygo next time.
DeleteI love that they told you good luck with your blog. I don't know why but it made me giggle. The only free stuff I've gotten is a couple of vibrators (one shaped like a flower no less). They're only "gently used" if you'd like me to send them your way?
ReplyDeleteSure, send 'em my way. Not sure I can review them successfully as I don't think I'm the target audience, but I'll do me best in the name of science.
Delete