Toiletiquette

There is a mystical place that all humans visit on a daily basis to pay their respects.  Regardless of colour, creed or religion, everyone visits this same room, outhouse or specialist building to offer up a donation to the porcelain throne.  This shrine goes by several different names such as bathroom, toilet, crapper, shit closet or turd cupboard.

Despite the fact that everyone uses this facility with alarming regularity, the differences in how they are used by each gender is vast.  While women are quite happy to use the bathroom as a meeting place and hangout spot, the reverence that men pay to the tiled palace is worlds apart.  There are many unwritten rules and laws in the Gents loos, ones that must be obeyed without question.  Despite them being unwritten rules, I decided to write them down.  Consider this an education if you have recently become a man, or fancy going undercover as a man in the future.

Rule 1 – Your Gaze Must Stay On The Y Axis

This is the most important rule of all, hence it heads up our list at number 1.  Never look side to side.  Keep your eyes straight forward, or down on your yellow proton stream.  If someone catches you glancing at them you’ve volunteered yourself for one of two things 1) a beating, or 2) a rape.  If you are unlucky you may get a little from both columns.  Either way, pick a urinal and keep those eyes to yourself.

Rule 2 – Don’t Close Your Eyes

Closing your eyes while enjoying the sweet sensation of bladder relief might look creepy to onlookers.  This is especially true if you provide real time commentary such as “Oh yeah, that’s the ticket” or “Merciful respite”.  Some people may operate under the misapprehension that you are pleasuring yourself, which may also result in a beating or rape.

I am honoured to accept your human excrement

Rule 3 – The 3 Shake Rule

When finishing up, your urine stream slows all the way down from a verdant waterfall to a steady drip.  To discharge these final piss bullets from the clip, you may need to shake your weapon a couple of times.  This will stop those concluding droplets from leaking into your trousers, streaking them like grandpa’s slacks.  However, as with Rule 2, you don’t want people to think you are masturbating.  Do not shake more than 3 times.  3 times is cautionary, 4 times is self gratification.

Rule 4 – Zips Not Buttons

Always buy jeans or trousers that have a zipper fly rather than buttons.  Not only does a zipper give you easier access to your waste pipe, but it is also easier to do up once the deed is done.  Standing around trying to button yourself up may also look like you are taking extra pleasure from your piss.

Rule 5 – Pick Your Urinal With Care

This is all circumstantial.  Imagine there’s a row of ten urinals, and only one other person taking a leak at the far end.  For some reason you decide to use the urinal right next to him, second from the end.  Perhaps it’s set lower down or has a fresher urinal cake dispelling fresh, lemony goodness, I don’t know.  Do you have any idea how much discomfort you’ve just caused that man?  He thinks you have an ulterior motive such as to glance at his pee pee, or you’ve decided to box him in and proposition him into homosexual relations.  This might make him angry or scared, neither of which are great states of mind to be in when visiting a public bathroom.  As such, be a gentleman and use the urinal furthest away from him.

Rule 6 – Don’t Talk To People

No one wants to talk to you while they expel their waste.  No one wants to know if you’re having a good night.  Don’t do this.  It’s rude.

Rule 7 – Don’t Shake People’s Hands

This should go without saying really.  People’s hands are usually too busy in the bathroom to go through formal greeting rituals with you.  Plus, do you really want to touch people’s hands before they’ve washed them?

Urinal Cake - Not as tasty as Battenburg

Rule 8 – Never Sit In A Cubicle With A Hole In

Sometimes this is inevitable, but wherever possible, do not sit in a cubicle that has a hole in the stall wall, especially if that hole could accommodate the average phallus.  The hole may occasionally have arrows drawn with a marker pen pointing towards it.  If you see a hole matching that description, yep, you’ve just sat near the glory hole.  Chances are that someone’s expectant member will come peering through that hole at any moment.

Rule 9 – Always Check The Toilet Roll Situation

When sitting in a cubicle, make sure you check the toilet roll dispenser before you cave in to your rectal tremors.  If you poo without toilet paper, you’ll be forced to ask someone in a neighbouring stall for help, which may result in someone taking photos on their cameraphone over the top of the stall, and you being tagged on Facebook as “Shittyarse”.

Rule 10 – Never Accept An Invitation To Go Cottaging

I fell for this once.  I expected to go for a delightful jaunt around the countryside while evaluating rural properties.  Boy, was I surprised!

And there we have it.  Now that we’ve learned the basics, I’d suggest that you piss and shit yourself rather than suffer the humiliation of a public restroom.  Remember to stay safe out there.